#1
hey
well recently i seem to have little confidence in my songwriting and havent wrote something in a while, so i thought id write something quickly to see what sort of response i got. I think i might start posting more stuff on here just to get your views maybe some of my older stuff, what are the rules is it one song a week or one song a day i cant remember?

anywho it aint got a name yet so im just calling it words fail me for now

i feel like ive been spoken for
in everything we hear
words taken straight from my mouth
ripped all thought and feeling out
misses your heart goes straight through you ears

i can see this getting old
i can see you getting colder
all we need is a spark
a little fire in the darkness

take back what they said
so i can tell you what i really want
without you telling me
you've heard it all before
close your eyes
and ill show you what i really mean
just dont say something like
you've seen it somewhere else

it feels like we're loosing
cos words fail me
i cant even comfort you
cant even help you through this
its just crazy talk
from rogue lips
goes in your ear dont care how much you hear
gives you the ammunition to shoot from the hips

listen to me
im half the man i used to be
even my speech has left me
cos its not worth unless im talking to you
listen to me
listen to me
somethings gone wrong
but let me try n change your mind

take back what they said
so i can tell you what i really want
without you telling me
you've heard it all before
close your eyes
and ill show you what i really mean
just dont say something like
you've seen it somewhere else

i feel like ive said all i can
nothing more i can do now
im holding on by a threadbare heartstring
would you let me fall
how can you let me fall

ps sorry bout the thread a sec ago, should of read the rules my bad. Hopefully this is ok just let me know if it aint and ill re read the rules again haha
My Stuff: Epi Black Beauty Les Paul with Bareknuckle Pickups, Fender Telecaster MIJ, Cort Electro acoustic, E-ross 12 string acoustic, Fender Hot Rod Deluxe, Cry Baby, BOSS DS-1 , Fulltone OCD, Digitech Whammy, Boss TU-3
#2
i feel like ive been spoken for
in everything we hear
words taken straight from my mouth
ripped all thought and feeling out
misses your heart goes straight through you ears

the first four lines are good i like the idea, the couplet is pretty cool flow seems all good and well though the last line doesnt seem to sit with me well. i dotn kno if its right or not but i suggest revising it

i can see this getting old
i can see you getting colder
all we need is a spark
a little fire in the darkness

mmm not much to say here it conveys a idea very straight foward nothing too subtle, the last line once again.. it fits the principle but... just doenst flow with the rest. too many syllables compared to the other lines

take back what they said
so i can tell you what i really want
without you telling me
you've heard it all before
close your eyes
and ill show you what i really mean
just dont say something like
you've seen it somewhere else

well... this just seems like you slaped words ont he page, try to find words that supplement the others, i mean the idea is there you have it bu t the hard part is saying it with some flow hence style is what seperates writers. soryr to be so harsh. uhh the first line and the second line odnt seem to mesh very well. the third and fourth are ok as is the fifth and the sixth the last line and the 2nd to last just seems... strange.. a bit forced

it feels like we're loosing
cos words fail me
i cant even comfort you
cant even help you through this
its just crazy talk
from rogue lips
goes in your ear dont care how much you hear
gives you the ammunition to shoot from the hips

ok the majority is ok. i mean there is always room for improvments the first line is good second is.. akward, third and fourth are ok fifth is just.. out of no where? crazy talk doesnt seem to fit in the stanza rogue lips are good like the idea the seventh is the best i've seen so far. the last line.. is jsut out of no where i cant make anything of it...

listen to me
im half the man i used to be
even my speech has left me
cos its not worth unless im talking to you
listen to me
listen to me
somethings gone wrong
but let me try n change your mind

wow this stanza is jsut o ut of no where!! you should write like this more often this is a good stanza out of no where. i like the tribue to stp and cos is cause dont know if you being lazy or ignorant lol but cos is cause you did it in the stanza above too

take back what they said
so i can tell you what i really want
without you telling me
you've heard it all before
close your eyes
and ill show you what i really mean
just dont say something like
you've seen it somewhere else

repeated stnaza

i feel like ive said all i can
nothing more i can do now
im holding on by a threadbare heartstring
would you let me fall
how can you let me fall

mmm i'm getting lazy lol.. but uhh firs tline is good good closing line followed by a good second, third is good i like the threadbare heartstring w/e that means. last two are a bit strange to my ear. the repetion is ok but just sounds forced almost almost cliche b/e falling is a common idea liek giving up and stuff

overall this has far to go b4 it is ready to become a song, just keep working at it sorry to be so discouraging with my comments but sometimes being harsh is the only way to become better. i mean i cant sit here all day and praise your work if it's bad then no one would get any better
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#3
lol its ok ill take it all into account and apply it in future
My Stuff: Epi Black Beauty Les Paul with Bareknuckle Pickups, Fender Telecaster MIJ, Cort Electro acoustic, E-ross 12 string acoustic, Fender Hot Rod Deluxe, Cry Baby, BOSS DS-1 , Fulltone OCD, Digitech Whammy, Boss TU-3
#4
ok wanna crit. mine? the city of light
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")