#1
this song is from my first collection of lyrics i wrote.

One Love!

One love
I thought I had
but was thrown away
But still i count
883 days
being eaten alive by a
love that had consumed me
Never saw her after that
**** it i'm done with that fantasy

chorus:
One love...
to be...
intangebale...
to be...
unparalleled...
to be...
understandable...
to see...
to watch her fall
from my grasp
(X2)

one love!

one love
i thought i had
but reality had shown me
how blind i really was
my life had been thrown away
a waste of days
a waste of words
Now waste away
(you had your shot)

Chorus/guitar breakdown/

Bridge 1:
you keep calling me
subconsciously
begging me
to come back
but i'm not going willingly
or diligently
i am so unamused by your
archaic mode of thinking
I'm not going back
(it's all uphill from here)

breakdown

bridge 2:
calling me!
consciously!
begging me!
i'm not going!
not going willingly!
or diligently!
I'm not going to break!

melodic breakdown/

I've got...
chorus(x2)
(END)

no specific rhyme scheme, some here and there C4C
#2
It's pretty good. a lot better than anything ive wrote. im a guitarist who plays pretty well but im having trouble with writing lyrics.
#5
Its good, but I get the impression you're not writing about anything you feel particularly strongly about. The lyrics are a bit vague, and not cliche or anything, but not wildly original either. I would say change the chorus, it seems a bit basic, like you just listed words. You should try writing about things that are important to you (and this goes for you too Rockstar112) draw as much imagery from real life as possible. Remember, poems aren't told, they're shown.
Some lines I liked, "archaic mode of thinking" was one, but there are a lot of overused lines in here; "one love" is something you hear a lot, and the "Im not giong to break" bit was a little out of place.
Your narrative is a little jaunted , too. At first I got the impression it was you who was hurt, it sounded so bitter "Im done with that fantasy" (the swearing only hinders it, I really would remove it) but then towards the end it seems you are the one doing the hurting: "You keep calling me...begging me" turns you from apparent victim into perpetrator, and now we dont feel for our narrator at all.
Its not bad, but I just got the impression it was written without any direct influence from life, and you just plucked rhymes and ideas from the top of your head.
I'm being rather harsh here, actually. I did like it. There were some very good lines. I just didnt feel your heart was in it.
#6
hm, i don't really dislike it... but i think you could improve it, it's good written, i even saw one or two enjambements that make it faster than it already is...

it sound like an aggro song to me, but i can be wrong... i mean cause of the yelling..
PS: that last opinion i gave to youlooks really stupid now that i read it myself...
#7
Cacophonaut i appreciate ur crit, the whole point of the song was to figure out who the victim is. it's all opinion, the lyrics are vague to open up interpretation, it makes u think
#8
honestly, a lot of good bands swear in their songs. its to show aggression and give it more taste, imo