#1
Please darling stay with me tonight?
However bright the light may seem outside,
Just stay with me tonight?
A light will illuminate and you will be overfilled that you stayed.

I walk down this road alone, without her.
I don't necessarily need her, she'd just make things better.
But they all will become what we all most certainly hate.
She'll turn on you and I, when you least expect it,
stab you in the heart. Rip it out, shatter it, like the window to your head.

If you try to stab hers, you'll break through alright, and shatter her glass.
But her glass leads to a shark tank, and you're now standing there helpless.

Oh God, oh God, I wanted this. Oh God, oh God, I needed this.
Oh God, oh God, I hated this. Oh God, oh God, why can't I win?

In a world where every girl is led by one desire, and they just can't win.

Oh God, oh God, I just don't understand. Why the light outside is so much more appealing,
why must they be guided by that? Why can't they follow our light, and understand,
that being a model isn't as important as being with me.

----------------

Now please realize that this is a rough-rough sketch up. Open criticism is welcome, and appreciated. Please be kind though. I just threw this together, and plan on working on it, and throwing up an edited version next.

Lastly link to your work, and I'll crit you. Thanks!
#2
Quote by JonM.
Please darling stay with me tonight?
However bright the light may seem outside,
Just stay with me tonight?
A light will illuminate and you will be overfilled that you stayed.


I cant stand the last line- it seems to completely interrupt the flow.
I dont think this was a very good start-but it is the only part of this piece that I dont like


I walk down this road alone, without her.
I don't necessarily need her, she'd just make things better.
But they all will become what we all most certainly hate.
She'll turn on you and I, when you least expect it,
stab you in the heart. Rip it out, shatter it, like the window to your head.


In particular-your main chunk of writing is the best of this piece, again the last line seems to be a bit of a mouthful but its a good, strong, solid piece of writing.

return crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=591210
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#3
Quote by me
Quote by JonM.
Please darling stay with me tonight?
However bright the light may seem outside,
Just stay with me tonight?
A light will illuminate and you will be overfilled that you stayed.

you use "light" and "stay" too much in this section. "overfilled" doesn't seem to make sense to me in this sentence. the last line breaks your flow.

I walk down this road alone, without her.
I don't necessarily need her, she'd just make things better.
But they all will become what we all most certainly hate.
She'll turn on you and I, when you least expect it,
stab you in the heart. Rip it out, shatter it, like the window to your head.

"necessarily" seems forced. it might sound better without that. who is the "they" you are refering to? maybe break the last line as it is too long and breaks your flow again.

If you try to stab hers, you'll break through alright, and shatter her glass.
But her glass leads to a shark tank, and you're now standing there helpless.

these are the best two lines in here. i liked the imagery of a glass of water with sharks in it.

Oh God, oh God, I wanted this. Oh God, oh God, I needed this.
Oh God, oh God, I hated this. Oh God, oh God, why can't I win?

this section isn't bad, it just feels like i have heard it before.

In a world where every girl is led by one desire, and they just can't win.

Oh God, oh God, I just don't understand. Why the light outside is so much more appealing,
why must they be guided by that? Why can't they follow our light, and understand,
that being a model isn't as important as being with me.

glad that you brought back that image of light in the end. it brings a sense of closure to this piece that would otherwise lack closure.


overall, this was an alright piece. as you stated it does feel rough and thrown together. take some time and correct some of the things that have been pointed out and it should feel more cohesive.

also, the "to" in the title should be "too."