#1
This is the first song I've written in a long while. It's been wanting to come out for a bit now, I just couldn't find the rhythm for it... Or how to say it really.

Well, I just had a rhythm going in my head and the song came screaming out. So here you go:

'Nobody Cried' -10/30/07

Looking at the past
There are things I want to change
Things I've done wrong, times I've complained
All the pain I've caused
Simple, yet complex
Self affliction hurts, yet not like the rest

Feeling like a bird
Lost without a home
Looking to the south, look in to the soul
What do you see?
Happiness or sad and old
Withering away, or growing like a big black hole?

I, I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end, I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.

Loneliness consumes a broken heart
Fingers deft, yet writing this is hard
Feeling ill, sensation overtakes
My senses gone... The blackened dawn

I, I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end, I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.

I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end(the end), I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd ever done, last thing I'd ever do
The pain is gone, but still.... I love you.
Last edited by eXperiment63 at Oct 30, 2007,
#2
Quote by eXperiment63
This is the first song I've written in a long while. It's been wanting to come out for a bit now, I just couldn't find the rhythm for it... Or how to say it really.

Well, I just had a rhythm going in my head and the song came screaming out. So here you go:

'Nobody Cried' -10/30/07

Looking at the past
There are things I want to change
Things I've done wrong, times I've complained
All the pain I've caused
Simple, yet complex
Self affliction hurts, yet not like the rest
when i read the first few lines of this, i felt certain i had seen this before. but i think its just because the way you start this is really overused and predictable. i would change the first 3 lines, find a new way to say a cliche thing, or else people will get bored with the song before it really starts.

Feeling like a bird
Lost without a home
Looking to the south, look in to the soul
What do you see?
Happiness or sad and old
Withering away, or growing like a big black hole?
the last two lines ruined the flow of this stanza. they're too wordy, too clumsy. the first part flows so well, and then its stopped in its tracks by the last part.

I, I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end, I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.
i'm not sure really what this means...you died and nobody cried? that sucks for you...

Loneliness consumes a broken heart
Fingers deft, yet writing this is hard
Feeling ill, sensation overtakes
My senses gone... The blackened dawn
this is just a personal preference, but i really don't like when writers talk about writing a song in that song. i would change it, but i may be the only person out there who has a problem with it. your call.

I, I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end, I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.
First thing I'd done, that nobody cried.

I had a dream... in which I died
But in the end(the end), I felt blessed inside
First thing I'd ever done, last thing I'd ever do
The pain is gone, but still.... I love you.
sorry, but the last line made me laugh in a way that i'm sure you didn't intend. it's just so cheesy to me... kinda like a hallmark card.


im not really sure if i liked this or not. the topic is pretty cliche. but it did flow well, except for the couple of spots i noted. maybe just think more about new ways to voice old ideas. its not easy, i know, but it can be done.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
If you knew the subject matter you would realize it isn't all that cliche. You take it how you take it, and others will tke it completely different; the beauty of art.

The lines that don't flow to you, that's because you don't know the rhythm I hear in my head, there is a lot of dead space vocally, so those extra words fit rather well. This is a song, not a poem.