#1
Rearrange my dna,
make me something new.
A nameless, sweet abomination
Unfit for mortal worlds.

Wreck me, ruin me, rip me apart,
leave me writhing on the floor.
A mangled mess of limbs and love—
all I deserve to become.

Passers-by still shake their heads
with pity and disdain.
I can hear their thoughts,
see disapproval in each face.

“Silly little girl, still sleeps with both eyes closed.
No matter how she’s broken, she’ll never learn a thing.
Who would teach one who’s hopeless, when it’s all in vain?
She lives her life in vain.”

Melt me down and watch me boil
the glass that lines the street.
Keep your eyes on me as I disappear,
as the sun pulls me into the sky.

If I were you, I’d buy an umbrella.
The rain’s about to come.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
I loved this. It takes real skill to be able to write flowingly without rhyme.


“Silly little girl, still sleeps with both eyes closed.
No matter how she’s broken, she’ll never learn a thing.
Who would teach one who’s hopeless, when it’s all in vain?
She lives her life in vain.”


This bit is my favourite, it sortof reminds me of the cardigans-live and learn. Obviously-not the same, just the same sort of perspective.

I'd give this a 9 out of 10

return if ya get a min?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=591210
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#3
Quote by hope's downfall
Rearrange my dna,
make me something new.
A nameless, sweet abomination
Unfit for mortal worlds.

Good opening. The only thing I can say is, when I first read it, I read the last word (worlds) as wounds... and though that doesn't make sense in this stanza... I really think it helped the flow. Throughout the whole piece, I felt like the last line of each stanza was really killing the flow... it felt like it needed one more syllable or some sort of bastard rhyme to make it really keep rythym. With 'wounds' there is that bastard rhyme, and it really helped me stay in tune with the piece. The first three lines were epic though, and the flow in those three was spectacular. So maybe just work out something with that last line in order to not hault the piece so much... as people like me (with ADD) lose interest when it comes to a scrreching halt like that.

Wreck me, ruin me, rip me apart,
leave me writhing on the floor.
A mangled mess of limbs and love—
all I deserve to become.

Again, its the last line that really kills this stanza for me. It has soo much build up and so much imagery (which is lovely by the way... very good connection to something I can see and what you are feeling) and then it just drops off because the last line feels out of place. I think one more syllable would fix that right up though... because if I just hum a syllable at the end... it works well.

Passers-by still shake their heads
with pity and disdain.
I can hear their thoughts,
see disapproval in each face.

This one is much better... You're imagery and connection stanza to stanza is spectacular... muchos kudos young grasshopper. The only thing I don't like here is 'still' because it implies that you've noted this before... and up until now you've never mentioned passers-by... so maybe take out still (it would still flow well IMO) or replace it with another descriptor... either way, I think it will help keep connection and fluidity throughout the piece... so its not like you are referencing parts of something that the reader hasn't heard of.

“Silly little girl, still sleeps with both eyes closed.
No matter how she’s broken, she’ll never learn a thing.
Who would teach one who’s hopeless, when it’s all in vain?
She lives her life in vain.”

Personally (this is just my opinion, some will like it, I know) I hate the repetition of vain. I just don't feel like it fits here, if nothing rldr, repeat hopeless.... it at least makes more sense. Again, you're last line is just too short to hold on to a flow... it just sounds choppy, which would be fine if the rest of your piece didn't have an amazing flow to it. First two lines = Favorite in the piece... just spectacular.

Melt me down and watch me boil (I Love you... just so you know... this line has made me love you)t

the glass that lines the street.
Keep your eyes on me as I disappear,
as the sun pulls me into the sky.

Take out the 'the's' in the last line... leave it (as suns pulls me into sky.) This has a more artistic quality... and gives it a little more depth while still leaving the same meaning. I might even recommend using 'and' to start off your last line, instead of repeating 'as' in back to back lines. Just an idea though.

If I were you, I’d buy an umbrella.
The rain’s about to come.

This is a neat concept... however, I don't feel like it fits here. I'd be much happier with the piece had you just left this off... I feel it just makes the piece choppy, and that 'sun pulls me into sky' would bring better closure to the piece than this did. Don't through this out though... fit it in another piece, as I really like how it sounds when it is read.


Overall... this is a very strong piece. Your flow, for the most part, is amazing... its just those last lines that get to me... and its really hard for me to keep reading once you've lost my attention with breaking up the flow. Your imagery was very good. Good work.

Thakns for getting to my piece.
peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#4
Quote by hope's downfall


Rearrange my dna,
make me something new.
A nameless, sweet abomination
Unfit for mortal worlds.

Rearrange my dna.. very interesting. I think your main problem with this stanza isn't content, isn't diction, but flow. Its choppy, it doesn't sound quite right. I think you should reword it, especially the last two lines.

Wreck me, ruin me, rip me apart,
leave me writhing on the floor.
A mangled mess of limbs and love—
all I deserve to become.

I like the first two lines, they are vivid and grotesque. Also, good alliteration in the third line, mangled mess, limbs, love. Good. This stanza flows better as well

Passers-by still shake their heads
with pity and disdain.
I can hear their thoughts,
see disapproval in each face.

while this is a pretty good image... it seems that if someone is writhing and in agony, a 'mangled mess' then people wouldn't be disapproving, but they would be more... horrified? It seems like a little bit of a conflict here, you might think about what exactly you mean by being mangled, and where exactly you want this poem to go.

“Silly little girl, still sleeps with both eyes closed.
No matter how she’s broken, she’ll never learn a thing.
Who would teach one who’s hopeless, when it’s all in vain?
She lives her life in vain.”

I think you should change the last line, you've already said its vain, you don't need to reiterate it, besides, I feel that there is more going on here thta isn't necessarily revealed.

Melt me down and watch me boil
the glass that lines the street.
Keep your eyes on me as I disappear,
as the sun pulls me into the sky.

"the glass that lines the street" is an amazing image, but I have no idea what relevance it has to your poem. I think you should validate it by keeping the image throughout the stanza, talking more about it. Although, I do like the disappearing part, and the sun pulling you into the sky. Although that seems to be more a property of water, than of glass. Think about your images.

If I were you, I’d buy an umbrella.
The rain’s about to come.

mediocre ending. If I were you, I'd come up with something a bit stronger.


Overall, there isn't a whole lot wrong with this poem. There are some problems, however, with flow, and some other problems with content. I LIKE that you've used sensory detail, I think that's something some poets forget. However, some of them seem half-done, or I feel like they need more. This piece needs a lot of work and I think you know it, but since you've asked me for a critique, I think you're willing to do what it takes to improve it. PM me if ever you want me to look at your revision.

Regards,
h_e
what comes up comes out
#5
thanks for the crits, guys, they're super helpful.

zc, its funny that you mention the last lines of my stanzas. i actually struggled with those a lot while writing this. i dont know why, but i was almost incapable of making them longer, or giving them more syllables...i guess i have to try harder, huh?
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
this poem's given me inspiration for a song!

i hope you don't mind if i use some of the concepts from this?

if you do, ill leave well enough alone
#7
i dont mind at all, as long as you tell people about the brilliant internet girl who inspired you.

just kidding, you dont really have to tell people about me. i'd love to see what you write, though. you should post it, or pm me when its done.

good luck!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
will do, ill give you credit from your screen name, unless you want me to give you credit with another name
#9
i don't think thats really necessary. you may have gotten concepts from me, but its not like i'm writing it for you, ya know? unless you're using direct phrases/quotes from this piece, the credits all yours.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#13
Rearrange my dna,
make me something new.
A nameless, sweet abomination
Unfit for mortal worlds.

the first line is good in theory, but in actuality you can't rearrange DNA. the idea is still powerful despite that. "sweet abomination" is a good use of oxymoron, pretty ironic. "mortal world" is also a strange choice, since all worlds are mortal. changing the wording might convey a different image. i know what you meant though, so it may be all the same.


Wreck me, ruin me, rip me apart,
leave me writhing on the floor.
A mangled mess of limbs and love—
all I deserve to become.

the images are poweful. writhing is always a good word to use haha
the alliteration in the third line is also striking. the plesant flow it creates contrasts with the violent nature of the actual words.
while it is powerful, the cause for the violence is unclear. why do you deserve to be gored in such a fashion?



Passers-by still shake their heads
with pity and disdain.
I can hear their thoughts,
see disapproval in each face.

this passage is great in terms of its rhythm, but it seems like the dismemberment/disembowelment of a little girl shouldn't be a public spectacle... haha



“Silly little girl, still sleeps with both eyes closed.
No matter how she’s broken, she’ll never learn a thing.
Who would teach one who’s hopeless, when it’s all in vain?
She lives her life in vain.”

"who would teach one who's hopeless" is awkward. who/who is always pretty awkward, but you could remedy it easily if you wanted. also, the last line has already been implied in the third, so it really isn't necessary.


Melt me down and watch me boil
the glass that lines the street.
Keep your eyes on me as I disappear,
as the sun pulls me into the sky.

the first line is probaby the best line in the poem. the line about the glass that lines the street fits rhythmically, but detracts in terms of the image. it doesn't really compliment the previous line, which was a great one. i got kind of lost with the image presented in the second half of this stanza, i don't see how it relates.



If I were you, I’d buy an umbrella.
The rain’s about to come.

is this rain your melted body? haha
i don't personally understand the function of this line.



Overall, it has powerful images and a great flow. creating a flow that smooth without rhymes takes talent. in terms of the content, some of it made no sense. the first two stanzas created a solid theme, but some lines in the poem just didn't have anything to do with it from my interpretation. i may be a total retard though and could have missed their points entirely. good poem though, it was pleasant to read.
Last edited by noahray at Nov 1, 2007,
#14
Quote by noahray

the first line is good in theory, but in actuality you can't rearrange DNA.





lol, i've never been so good with science...


and i'm critting your piece right...now!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?