#1
This isn't a song yet, it's just a poem. I call it 'high school' lol. just tell me what you think so far!

misrepresented faces
"the ones who had it all"
unrealistic places
a society ready to fall

malicious gossip and glares to
"the ones who didn't fit in"
condescending to the few
calling all differences sin

feuds of cliques and lovers
anger, hatred, dissent
all the lies just hover
none of this will relent

ligitamacy of reality
after they leave this place
will set in the actuallity
of the gruelling race
Freedom is all that matters anymore...

--Chase
#2
I like this piece, mostly because I relate very well to it. I actually had a piece up a while ago called "Class Reunion" covering a similar idea. Anyways, on to a crit.

1st: This it catchy... The rhyming is simple, but at least it doesn't seem forced. Honestly, as a poem, this isn't very deep or holding a lot of meaning, however as a Song I feel this would be a great intro verse.

2nd: Ok, in the first line, I can guess who you are talking about, however you have a verb with no subject or really implied subject... it reads very awkwardly. Somehow or another, you need to relate that you are talking about the "elite" giving the glare... because otherwise it leaves this to vague and hard to read. Love the last line.

3rd: Favorite verse. I really like the 2nd line with the three strong words, and how it flows in there... kudos.

4th: Also good. Not too much to complain about.


Overall: It wasn't groundbreaking, it wasn't overly meaningful or thought provoking... however, its catchy... and while the rhyming is simple, it works. Not a bad piece... but honestly, I think its already a song, not a poem... this just seems like its in a song style.

please crit one of my pieces back (in my sig)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#3
I can see you have strong emotions about the subject. There are some interesting ideas in these lyrics.
#4
I think it might be more groundbreaking if you knew what and who it was about, lol. I appreciate the critique. I think I just tried to keep it open so everybody could put in their own ideas and meanings to the soon-to-be lyrics.
Freedom is all that matters anymore...

--Chase
#5
I agree. ^^^

I like lyrics/poems to have some element of "vagueness" to them because it makes you think about what is being said and leaves more room for interpretation. It's something one of my teachers called "poetic license," in the sense that, while it's not gramatically correct, it adds a dramatic element to the words.

That being said, the writing was good, and it's about something that pretty much anyone could relate to, but if you're to make this into a song, you might consider adding another stanza or two to make it a bit longer.