#1
this is the first work ever, its probably really bad, i know, but help me with some constructive critism, remember this is the first song i ever wrote, so be nice.

Ideological Renaissance


as your surroundings sink
and your senses fall
the world around you fades
and you enter a new space


thinking about thoughts
the thoughts, about thinking
it seems right, to live
in the arms of one's mind
in the womb of one's wit
but as the clock ticks by
and you leave your mind behind
the world around you again
everything seems much clearer

What once was logical
just isn't clear
what was so concealed
now makes sense

EDIT: the song is about thinking, about new things, or seeing things through a new prespective, i think im gonna add a new paragraph inbetween the first and second. what do you think? thanks.
Last edited by Spitz13 at Oct 30, 2007,
#2
not bad
not bad
better than mine


check mine out if you have time
GEAR!

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#3
Quote by Alexnewman123
not bad
not bad
better than mine


check mine out if you have time


thanks, sure thing dude =]
#4
Quote by Spitz13
Ideological Renaissance


as your surroundings sink
and your senses fall
the world around you fades
and you enter a new space
i'm not sure if i like this rhyme..it just doesn't really work for me. but i do like the idea behind what you're saying.


thinking about thoughts
the thoughts, about thinking
it seems right, to live
in the arms of one's mind
in the womb of one's wit
but as the clock ticks by
and you leave your mind behind
the world around you again
everything seems much clearer
once again i like what you're saying, and i like the way you've said it. however, i would appreciate more punctuation, just for grammar's sake.

What once was logical
just isn't clear
what was so concealed
now makes sense
a fitting ending..a good message. however, i think the presentation of it is a little weak. not too bad though.

thanks for the crit, hope that helps some!