#1
Alright, this is my first post on here so don't rip me a new one right off the bat please. I would appreciate any opinions on this song, constructive criticism welcome.

"Interfearance"


Verse: Everyday, you're so afraid I'll make the same mistakes as you
You claim that you trust but
your choke hold on my life gets tighter every day


Bridge: Just gimme one chance to prove myself to you!

Pre Ch. I've found something for which I care
But you'd rather her life be plain and bare?

Chorus: This isn't the life you had, now please understand,
We've taken the warnings, guidance, directions
Rolled them all together, Yet you still close your eyes to where we stand.

Verse: Everday she's so afraid that she might hurt you.

Verse: You claim that you trust, yet your choke hold on her life gets
tighter Day by Day

Verse: Please, give her just one chance to prove herself to you

Chorus: This isn't the life you had, so please understand,
We've taken all the Warnings, guidance, direction
Rolled them all together, why do you close your eyes to where we stand?

Outro: She's never done a thing to you.
So let her live and make you... Proud.


The outro is gonna be played over some acoustic bit which I haven't quite worked out yet. Hope all ya'll like it. Once again this my FIRST time so please, any pointers from those with experience is invaluable.
#2
If you have a good melody, then it will carry this piece. However, in terms of lyrics...I think they a leave a little to be desired. There are some cliches, like "she's so afraid" etc. I don't feel like they add anything at all. However, for your first post.... I think there IS something good going on here, like the change in perspective, I think that was a good choice on your part.

And again, a good melody will carry these lyrics.
what comes up comes out
#3
I agree with haunted engines, the lyrics are not bad for your first go.

Chorus: This isn't the life you had, so please understand,
We've taken all the Warnings, guidance, direction
Rolled them all together, why do you close your eyes to where we stand?

One of the things I would change, your rhyming "stand" with "stand" it appears


I like how the lyrics of the second part are just a variation of the first part, it keeps the whole thing together and makes it seem more songish.

Btw, here's my latest piece; https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=708997
Last edited by J.A.M at Nov 9, 2007,
#4
I like how you have everything sorted out and organized...very good organization and good flow and i can just hear the ending part....it sounds great! and thanks for lookin at my piece....good job...keep it up