#1
Here's one I wrote on a plane coming home from a much needed holiday. These much more to it than that, but I cant explain

And as I write this I am standing on a thousand feet of air
I have smothered all my passions with my yearnings
And I have tried to put some distance between myself and my despair
But the more I flee the more I am returning
But I am weary now
And I cant keep up with it

And I think about that happiness, a silent ephagy
Like a candle in the darkness of december
The light that was extinguished once illuminated me
Now only seemed to make the darkness all the colder
And if I keep running
I might stand a chance in life

And I have grown homesick
For a home that does not exist
I keep moving around, when
All I want is to be motionless

So we continue burning bridges, looking forward to the flames
Of the bridges burnt by those that came before us
And we tell ourselves its normal to feel sadness when it rains
And take our medicines to quell the fear of loneliness
And our photographs are cold
Our mirrors are empty

So I'm paking my bags and leaving without a compass or a map
Just a hope and a vague idea of trajectory
And I'll probably miscaclulate and end up losing track
If Im lucky I'll discover it was where I want to be
And I have never felt
So anxious to be still

The last line middle bit I will admit I lifted almost directly from a Bright Eyes song, but I thought of it before I realized that, and it fit so well I just couldnt leave it.
#2
I enjoyed this to be honest. I don't really have much time for a thorough crit but I'll point out that you spelled packing wrong in the first line of the last stanza (left out the c) and that I liked the idea of the trajectory line but it seemed a little messy in the use of the word trajectory itself. You might wanna look into clarifying that.

You might wanna consider backing off on all of the "I"s in the first. It got a little repetative in a way that didn't compliment the piece much. Also, I found the first line a little dull and uninteresting like it doesn't serve a purpose. Sort of like speeches in elementery school that start out with "ok guys today i'm gonna talk about george washington." Of course this comparison is a little dramatic but I think you catch my drift.

Yeah, the topics you address are a little overused and aren't really new but overall I enjoyed this piece a lot more than I first expected.

Hope to see more stuff from you.
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#3
Its okay to borrow things from other people, obviously. I got kind of a Bright Eyes, I'm Wide Awake Its Morning sort of feel from this piece.

First Stanza: seems VERY prosey. Not very lyrical. I like your ideas though, about being high up, about trying to escape from despair, about being weary. You just need to reword it. And remove the last line... to be honest, its a very weak line.

Second Stanza: Excellent. Make the first stanza more like this one.

Third Stanza: I'm guessing this is the chorus? Very good ideas here. Maybe not the most original, as jiminizzle suggests, but I think you said it in a very fresh and interesting way.

Fourth Stanza: hm. I don't like the ideas of bridges being burned by people coming before you. That idea seems a little complicated..and like it doesn't really belong in this song (perhaps a different one?) Also, the idea of burning bridges is a cliche. We've all heard that so many times we don't really take anything from. Say the same thing, in a completely different way. "destroyed doorways" "broken pathways" ...i dont know.

Fifth Stanza: I'm going to go ahead and say that the word 'trajectory' isn't very lyrical. I think it could work..but it doesn't here. This stanza is very methodical, unlike the others. I don't think it works, because it isn't consistent with the theme. HOWEVER. I always say, end on the strongest lines... and I think you have. The last two lines, are GENIUS. Good work.
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#4
Wow!!!....that actually blew me away!!!.....poweful song you have there......emotion and a rhyming scheme and really meaningful lyrics....three things that can be amazingly hard to combine in a song....but you pulled it off.....this right here- "And I have grown homesick
For a home that does not exist
I keep moving around, when
All I want is to be motionless"

Is my my favorite verse within the song by far.....and shows of your ability the most....keep writing!!!...I'l keep reading.........

Dan

P.S If you wouldn't mind having a look at my latest piece- 'Don't Tell Me' I'd be very grateful......
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#5
Wow, some great feedback! Sorry I haqvent been able to return the critiques but I have been away in New York for a while. Computers with internet access dont come with hotels in the Village, im afraid. I will post some of the songs I wrote there soon.
#6
Actually it is a song. And if you hear the music it actually fits perfectly, the metre is one of the things I really like about this one, when I play it it's got a lot of rhythm and the lines dont sound so overlong. I know there's an aesthetic aspect to poetry and how it is presented affects the way it is received, but when you play it it sounds right.
By the way, an ephagy (I think that's how its spelled, I cant find a dictionary) is apparently something you burn in someone else's memory, like a tribute.
#9
Who says a song cant be poetic?
Sure it could be recited as a poem, but as far as I'm concerned a lot of the nuance of its expression and the conveyance of its meaning and especially tone, is in the melody, and the marriage of melody and poetry.
Play E and A major in 4/4, two bars each, and two bars per line. It fits perfectly. The last two lines are B and A (again 2 bars). You get the idea. I like it as a song.
#10
wow this peice is quite good, the "metre", as you said, is a little it wierd in places. do you think you could record this, because i would like to se what chords go uunder this piece
#11
This is great, I did enjoy it. I mean, yes, it does have some spelling errors, as were pointed out, but overall that's not important. probably just typ-os. Anyway.
I mean, I have my good days, but most of my lyrics are nothing compared to this! I like the way that, unlike most songwriters, you don't try too hard to sound artistic. It flows very well. Good job
Last edited by freakykatt at Nov 6, 2007,
#12
By the way it was about an alcoholic.

I agree with haunted engines on the topic of the line about burning bridges. As critiqued of mine I can not similarly find a lack of meaning as it's stated in pretty straight forward terms throughout though, because of this it gets stale by the end. This is also a popular subject in lyrics and other forms of poetry, and I didn't really feel that it was all that different. I will say this: Of all of your submissions, this one is the best.
#13
Thanks. The funny thing is its not even (imo) the best thing Ive written, just that I've posted. I have reams and reams of stuff waiting to be read and I cant even post it till next week. And even then I can only post 2,and then I have to wait another week.
Its not fair.
You are right about it being a re-used subject, but I find that irrelavent because its one that epplies to me, so its a song I feel emotionally linked to.
#14
Quote by Cacophonaut
Who says a song cant be poetic?
Sure it could be recited as a poem, but as far as I'm concerned a lot of the nuance of its expression and the conveyance of its meaning and especially tone, is in the melody, and the marriage of melody and poetry.
Play E and A major in 4/4, two bars each, and two bars per line. It fits perfectly. The last two lines are B and A (again 2 bars). You get the idea. I like it as a song.


Mate i didn't say that songs couldn't be poetic! You need to think before you speak! I said i liked it and that its more of a poem than a song!
#15
i must say ive felt this lots of times, and you're very good at portraying feelings with poetry.
#16
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Mate i didn't say that songs couldn't be poetic! You need to think before you speak! I said i liked it and that its more of a poem than a song!


Man Im not getting pissed or anything! I was merely voicing my argument for its worth as a song! Chill man!!

Thanks izaguF, but I do accept that it is an overused topic. I have been making little chnages...I'll post them when is done.

Oh yeah, I read on a (closed) thread about advice to songwriters that posting work your'e confident with on a forum means it will only be nicked by other writers and claimed as their own! Does anyone on here do this!? I really hope not!
#18
you know the part that you said you got from a birght eyes song i thought that it sounded familiar to me but anyways i cant figure out if its supposed to be a song or a poem. though i did like it iwasnt really feeling a good flow from it it did however capture my attention almost immediatly which is good, also i really like how that your ending paragraph wrapped things up i really doubt that my crit will help you in anyway what siever but i thought i would tell you what i think about it oh and also i want to thank you for the crit you gave me yours however was very helpful and im goin to crit the other two pieces left just to let you know what i think and maybe i can help like you helped me anyways thanks
#19
some irregular choices in langauge, no punctuation and some spelling errors that you should look at..

"And I have grown homesick
For a home that does not exist
I keep moving around, when
All I want is to be motionless"


reads really awkwardly... and .. well it just puts me to sleep.. so boringly written and double-done

the last stanza's rhymes were so forced i'm surprised they didn't snap and and and and and... find another connective?

other than that a solid piece of writing i suppose
#20
Man, youre a harsh critic. By the way this is a song not a poem so punctualtion is irrelavent. And what do you mean by connective? Double-done? Snap?
Be more constructive, dude. There's not much I can do with critiscism like this. Other than delete the song altogether.
#21
you've got a very good flow. i like how you did the rhyme scheme and you chose words that have similar sounding rhymes but not exact rhymes... it makes it more interesting.

I'm assuming this would fit well with either an acoustic song as in an indie or rock ballad style.

i also like the chorus. a homecoming to a home ive never been. thats really well written and portrays a lot of feelings that a lot of people feel as well.

please crit mine: Nocturnal Nemesis
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11428618#post11428618

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#22
Quote by Cacophonaut
Man, youre a harsh critic. By the way this is a song not a poem so punctualtion is irrelavent. And what do you mean by connective? Double-done? Snap?
Be more constructive, dude. There's not much I can do with critiscism like this. Other than delete the song altogether.


A connective is a word that links two constituents together, e.g I am tall and skinny.

Double-done means it's been done more than once.

Snap as in - to suddenly break..

There is alot you can do with criticisms like this. You can use connectives other than the word "And", you can try to make the line I emphasised a little more original, you can use rhymes that aren't forced, etc.

I don't believe I was paticularly harsh...