#1
okay this one is alittle on the psychotic side i know this
but anyways i thought it was decent fell of track a little near the end
but i dont think it hampered things too much i sure i got my point across
and i swear im not a psychotic killer. please tell me what you think and leave a link so ican crit your stuff

the name of this peace is "heroin cant take your pain away"


Smile,
your soul
is on show.

Everyone can see,
You now know.

No more hiding,
For you its
done.

If i were you i would
scream, shout, and
Load my gun

Try to get help,
But its no
use

Because,
for you,
its done,
and honey
I think you should Run.

I'm coming
this you
should know.

Its me, you see,
You know
the Typical tragedy.

Its the dark one,
The one you never
got too know

The one that kept
everything
inside so you
wouldnt cry

But i dont care anymore,
I hope you cry
Infact i just wish you would die

I was fooled this you
must know

But never again
beacuse for you
its done.
I hope you Run!
#2
I tend to like this one, alot, I don't know why though, it's just really good to me, good job, keep up the good work
#3
Because,
for you,
its done,
and honey
I think you should Run.

Its the dark one,
The one you never
got too know

The one that kept
everything
inside so you
wouldnt cry


But i dont care anymore,
I hope you cry
Infact i just wish you would die

These are my favorite parts of the whole piece (esp. the parts in red)
and "wouldn't cry/just wish you would die"- nothing else would sound better there thats very good

As a woman, I don't feel threatened or like you sound psycho-love makes us all a little psycho; you have a lot of talent
#4
Quote by cjsquid

the name of this peace is "heroin cant take your pain away"
Hang on, that was another post's title, I'm sure...

Smile,
your soul
is on show.
I felt this was too short. Stanzas like this can work but only when they are real intereting, and as an opener this didnt really work for me.

Everyone can see,
You now know.
The syntax reversal in the last line felt amateurish, like Green Day or something. I understand you had to find something that flows and has the right amout of syllables, but maybe something else.

No more hiding,
For you its
done.
Now this worked, imo. I would change "its" to "it is", but aside from that, its okay.

If i were you i would
scream, shout, and
Load my gun
Great stanza, really good, I think for some change you should link this to the next one, just to give it a feel of significance.

Try to get help,
But its no
use
Like I said, this feels tired on its own, so link it with the last.

Because,
for you,
its done,
and honey
I think you should Run.
Some of the line breaks here made it feel to sporadic. I think "because" and "For you" should be one line, maybe.

I'm coming
this you
should know.

Its me, you see,
You know
the Typical tragedy.
I defintely think these two should link, it sounds way more profound than the rest and needs to be made to stand out.

Its the dark one,
The one you never
got too know

The one that kept
everything
inside so you
wouldnt cry
I like this.

But i dont care anymore,
I hope you cry
Infact i just wish you would die
I dont like that last line, a very cliche rhyme, and a very amateurish extended metre so yo could say it.

I was fooled this you
must know
You need a comma between "fooled" and "this"

But never again
beacuse for you
its done.
I hope you Run!
You can surely come up with a more intereting end than this. I also dont think the exclamation mark is nescesary.
I felt this peice was solid, but sporadic in its line breaks and stanza arrangement. It felt like you just hit "return" at random, rather than thinking about what would give maximum impact. That and you really need to bring some imagery in, you use too many adjectives and not enough images. Otherwise its pretty good.



Peace
Dave.
#5
eltyr18 =thanks for the crit and im glad that you liked my piece. have i crited any of your pieces? if i havent send me a link in a priv message and i'll crit-scratch that i found your links
but anyways thanks!!!!


q-z sue = thankyou for your crit and i do appreciate your suggestions!!



Cacophonaut= now im kinda sure that only my piece has that title but if it isnt that was done totally unintentionally. anyways i liked the suggestions that you gave me and a few of those i do agree would make my piece more enjoyable/meaningful. also i know that i have crited a few of your pieces but if there is something in particular that you would like me to check out then send me a priv message with a link!

anyways thank to all that have read my stuff and i greatly appreciate those few that had suggesstions for me!!!!