#1
working title, crit for crit. i edited a bit

september 21

when the dust is settling, and the temperature dropping like leaves on the trees,
your compact stalls, idling in the student parking lot.
(spring, like a creeping moss, will return.)
even when winter’s cold steals the air from my lungs—
you still can’t find the will to exhale.

that’s okay with me. i won’t leave until you’re ready to follow.
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Last edited by Fugazirancid at Oct 31, 2007,
#2
i liked 'when the dust is settling' but then you went straight into clichés with the leaves and the sky. i didnt really like the second line, it was far too cliché IMO, i think there are other ways to describe what you're saying here. third line, i didnt like 'gray turned to green' but i liked how you ended it with the 'creeping moss' thing. that was clever. next line 'colours have faded' blabla you know what i'm going to say, but then i loved how you ended the fourth line and what you said in the fifth line. last line wraps it up nicely, i actually loved that.
so all in all, i thought this piece was full of clichés, but with a great ending. of course, you're writing about seasons here, so i guess there's no way around these overused images. don't get me wrong here, i'm not saying that it is bad writing, it's just that i've seen those images before, hell, i even used most of them myself at some point but again, i loved the ending, it was cute and it took the piece to.. let's say 'a higher level'.

thanks for doing mine.
J.