#1
well it's been a while since i've been active here. this is my first poem i've written in.. a long time. well i'll be happy for any crit. i will return a crit. for a crit should you decide to help me out

Where are you, I see you every where I am
boston to cali your still with me all the time
invading every thought i think
i'd run to you form new york city

if i stopped to take a breath, i'd be so damned
depressed. incarcerate me for my crimes
i'd still think of you on the brink
of suiside. its hard to cry and be witty
at the same time. i hope you dont mind

i've been watching your world from a star
hi there, i missed where you are
nothing so virulent as your touch
it poisons my every thought

i want to give to you
more then a love song
worthless words they cant explain
what resides in you my dear
tried and true are my darkest fears

all these words they do but try
the stars at night their big and bright
deep in your eyes they shine at night

i've been on the run
Chicago here i come
light my way, the setting sun
starry skies they seem so high

the heart of the city
i hold so tight, holding it right
finally back in the city of the light
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Jan 13, 2008,
#2
Holy ****, i think this is WAY too long. but I'll have at it.

Stanza 1: The first line is a cliche..doesn't give us really any emotion, just a kind of pathetic pathos kind of thing. BUT, I do really like the use of specific places, that really adds to the feeling of distance, and of longing. AND also I like the use of the word invading, like you don't want to think the thoughts, but you do anway. Good ideas.

Stanza 2: I think you can remove the first two lines. Honest opinion: NOT good. Incarcerate is probably the most non-poetic word out there. While words like that CAN and DO work sometimes, it doesn't here, so I recommend you find another way to say your heart is imprisoned, or change it. BUT, "Its hard to cry and be witty at the same time" is a good line, because I think we've all felt like that before, and universal ideas, (but NOT cliches) are important to lyrics and poetry

Stanza 3: Are you watching her FROM a star (as though you're an alien) or are you watching her FORM a star (like she's God)? That is a question that Poisons my mind about this stanza. I like the use of the word Virulent, here.

Stanza 4: cliche, but, I liked it. Its kind of a dumb love song kind of idea and I think you put it simply, and beautifully.

Stanza 5: Now you're just rambling. Delete this stanza.

Stanza 6: same here. I mean, "the stars are big and bright?" you can come up with better.

Stanza 7: need I repeat myself?

Stanza 8: ok AGAIN, I like the idea of a specific place, and how this poem is kind of omnipresent, in America, it switches between places, or its between them or amongst them. But again, you say that the sky is high. Everyone knows this. Don't reiterate it, it adds nothing to the poem.

Stanza 9: No.

Stanza 10: Better

Stanza 11: Okay, i think you have a lot of superfluous stanzas in this poem. Get rid of them, and the poem will be more cohesive, much stronger, and WAY better.

I feel like i've been harsh, but I only mean it in a good way: to help improve your poem.
what comes up comes out
#3
hi there i miss you, no matter where i am
boston to cali your still with me all the time
invading every thought i think
i'd run to you form new york city
The start is okay, as said, the use of locations is a plus. Personally I really think the start should be more of an attention getter, instead of hi there I miss you. I think that just doesn't work.

if i stopped to take a breath, i'd be so damned
depressed. incarcerate me for my crimes
i'd still think of you on the brink
of suiside. its hard to cry and be witty
at the same time. i hope you dont mind
I personally don't mind incarcerate, I like this whole stanza really.

i've been watching your world form a star
hi there, i missed where you are
nothing so virulent as your touch
it poisons my every thought
Good feeling, good imagery, just pretty good.

i want to give to you
more then a love song
worthless words they cant explain
what resides in you my dear
I wouldn't talk about worthless words since that could make you a hypocrite in a sense? I get what you're trying to convey, but I just don't like worthless words. Something more like "cliche words they can't explain" would be better.

dont know where i came from
dont know where to go
all i know is what i'm singing
and here the words they seem to flow
I agree, this isn't really needed. It works, but I don't see how this really pertains directly to her/him. I think you need something more about how you "don't know where you came from but you do know where to go..."

the stars at night their big and bright
lighting up my every tear
the sky my eyes are dark as night
tried and true are my darkest fears
Nothing really to say

all these words they do but try
the stars at night their big and bright
deep in your eyes they shine at night
Again with the stars? Make some other comparisons! Oh, and I'd probably just condense these last 3 stanzas together. I'd think that'd cut back a little bit on length (which is really irrelevant.)

i've been on the run
Chicago here i come
light my way, the setting sun
starry skies they are so high

even in the night of light
the stars, they shine so bright

the heart of the city
i hold so tight, holding it right
finally back in the city of the light

a star it flouts in the sky at night
in the city of light, blocks all others
a lone star dare defy the light
like the cynosure it will never be smothered
The ending isn't the best, it isn't bad. I think it's just these last few stanzas seem to be "rambling" and they need some work. It feels a bit rough to me.


Please know--it's a great piece. I just believe that a few areas need some improvement. My critique might of sounded harsh, but it was extremely good, and I liked it more than you might draw with regards to my critique.

Crit back: My Short Hair Is Growing Too Short
#4
I dont have a lot of time right now because i have class in the morning and its running late. Also your piece is extremely long but ill just comment that i thought your flow was excellent and it seemed written fairly well but the content was boring. Thats almost all I have to say. Btw if you like my piece so much maybe you should check out my other recents. I have a short story ive been wanting some feedback on and and old piece that hasnt gotten any crits its okay if you dont have the time though

-Mike
#5
aight thx a lot guys if you guys want me to get back at you with a crit just post a link or send it to me in a privite msg
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#6
Where are you, I see you every where I am <- i like this line in fact the whole stanza is
boston to cali your still with me all the time pretty well written
invading every thought i think
i'd run to you form new york city

if i stopped to take a breath, i'd be so damned
depressed. incarcerate me for my crimes
i'd still think of you on the brink
of suiside. its hard to cry and be witty i think thats quite clever i like the way the
at the same time.
i hope you dont mind sentence starts and ends on different lines

i've been watching your world from a star
hi there, i missed where you are
nothing so virulent as your touch good imigary
it poisons my every thought

i want to give to you
more then a love song a lot of feeling
worthless words they cant explain
what resides in you my dear

the stars at night their dark and mysterious
lighting up my every tear
the sky my eyes are dark as night
tried and true are my darkest fears i like this line

all these words they do but try
the stars at night their big and bright i like your wording throughout the poem but this
deep in your eyes they shine at night is really good

i've been on the run Yah like it
Chicago here i come

light my way, the setting sun
starry skies they seem so high

the heart of the city
i hold so tight, holding it right This is a good ending very final
finally back in the city of the light


I like it, the wording you use and the way you phrase this is great theres loads of origional lines and stuff its very good


Well you've already looked at mine but if anyone else wants to its called broken (sorry i havnt put it into the signature part)
#7
Quote by me<-needs help

Where are you, I see you every where I am
boston to cali your still with me all the time
invading every thought i think
i'd run to you form new york city

I really don't think California should be abbreviated. To me it makes the piece feel a bit cheap, or perhaps sloppy. 'Every thought I think' is slightly awkward to me. Redundant perhaps?

if i stopped to take a breath, i'd be so damned
depressed. incarcerate me for my crimes
i'd still think of you on the brink
of suiside. its hard to cry and be witty
at the same time. i hope you dont mind

This stanza is better. Except I think that if you're going to put 'incarcerate me for my crimes' in there, there needs to be a period after it, for it has no connection to the next sentence.


i've been watching your world from a star
hi there, i missed where you are
nothing so virulent as your touch
it poisons my every thought

The idea behind this stanza is good; the wording however is slightly too cliche. It over shadows your thought. The third line is good. The fourth line would be, but I feel poison is one of the cliches that holds this stanza back.


i want to give to you
more then a love song
worthless words they cant explain
what resides in you my dear

I like the first three lines the most so far in this piece. The last one is a bit of a let down.

the stars at night their dark and mysterious
lighting up my every tear
the sky my eyes are dark as night
tried and true are my darkest fears

Should be "they're dark and mysterious." This stanza is a bit awkward. But once again, I think the idea behind it is strong enough that if you reword it it would work well.

all these words they do but try
the stars at night their big and bright
deep in your eyes they shine at night

*They're big and bright. The rhyme is, to me, a bit too boring. It seems like an obvious choice. Might just be my problem though. I'm not big on rhyming.

i've been on the run
Chicago here i come
light my way, the setting sun
starry skies they seem so high

As a whole, this is what I consider the strongest stanza in the piece. Don't worry so much about rhyming though.


the heart of the city
i hold so tight, holding it right
finally back in the city of the light

The ending is a bit bland. I think it's the second line that lets it down.



I think you have some good ideas here that deserve to be developed. However, with the piece as a whole, there are a few problems. The grammar for one thing. I think that if you're submitting writing for critique, you should definitely clean up the grammar (such as capitalization, punctuation, etc.). Additionally, you hit some cliches. I think if you could break past those two points (the first of which is quite easy to fix) your writing would be a lot stronger.
DOWN&OUT
#8
Well everything's been pretty much covered, so I'll just say, this is a nice peice, not breaking any lyrical boundaries but definitly not bad. There are a few things that need to be corrected but theres no sense in repeating what's already been written.
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