#1
It was winter the second time she came to my house.
I told her that I couldn't afford heat,
And I couldn't.
It was supposed to be the coldest day in years,
And it was.
All I had to keep warm was a shitty, cigarette-smoke stained sweater I had gotten out of a pile of what I thought to be my dead brothers clothes.
We walked into the kitchen.

She looked nonchalantly into the cage of rats on the table and asked,
"Why is this one always running the wheel?"
I knew without looking. She was talking about the hairless rat.
And I knew why.
Hell, I even understood. I had thought about it before.

I slowly turned off the sink.
Looking half-way at her, and half-way through her,
And in an attempt to sound as bad as I felt, I said,
"Everybody runs their wheels
To keep warm."
Last edited by We, The People at Oct 30, 2007,
#4
I got your back.

First Stanza: I like some of the ideas: you're starting in the middle of a story, something's happened, and we know there are things that have already happened, this immediately grabs our attention. HOWEVER, "I told her I couldnt' afford the heat/ and I couldn't" is amazingly redundant. You repeat the same sort of idea, but its different because in the lines "It was supposed to be the coldest day in years/ and it was" because you are AFFIRMING that it INDEED is the coldest day. It might not have been . But in the first instance, you are simply telling us something we already know.

Stanza 2: This stanza is too prosey. It sounds like you're writing us a work of fiction. I don't know how this song sounds, it might work when you sing it...but I don't know about it. Try to rework its so its more lyrical. I DO however, like the action that is going on. Its really interesting.

Stanza 3: This is a GREAT scene, I can see exactly what is happening, and this is a VERY GOOD thing. You use specific details. Again, perhaps its too prosey, but I am willing to overlook this just because its such good prose. And I'm going to agree with 'restless thrash' your ending is really strong, and it indeed has a good message
what comes up comes out
#5
It was winter the second time she came to my house.
I told her that I couldn't afford heat,
And I couldn't.
It was supposed to be the coldest day in years,
And it was.
All I had to keep warm was a shitty, cigarette-smoke stained sweater I had gotten out of a pile of what I thought to be my dead brothers clothes.
We walked into the kitchen.
This is good. As has been said, the "couldn't" does feel redundant. You do good at setting up a scene, I like this a lot.


She looked nonchalantly into the cage of rats on the table and asked,
"Why is this one always running the wheel?"
I knew without looking. She was talking about the hairless rat.
And I knew why.
Hell, I even understood. I had thought about it before.
This is just good, it feels just right. I have nothing really to critique here.


I slowly turned off the sink.
Looking half-way at her, and half-way through her,
And in an attempt to sound as bad as I felt, I said,
"Everybody runs their wheels
To keep warm."
The ending is good. Plain and simple. That's all there is to it.

Sorry if my critique wasn't as helpful, I just thought it was good though. I didn't really find anything I didn't like.

If you feel up to it my piece:
My Short Hair Is Getting Too Short
#6
1. Thanks a lot. I see what you mean about the first "couldn't."
Although, It is not a song, though. Maybe it would help it you read it like so?

2. Thanks for taking the time. I really appreciate it. And again, I see what you mean with the redundancy.
#7
If its not a song..I actually think that its more of a problem. I mean.. you have a really good scene, but maybe you condense the lines so they sound more poetic? Because right now they kind of sound like everday language.

Maybe its fine, its compeltely your call. The poet is the poet.
what comes up comes out