#1
ok this song just kinda fell out of my head here i didnt take time to edit or anything so its probably no good. but any help for it would be appritiated


the sun is shining every day,
but this is not what you take away.
there is nothing we can do
while the shadows consume you.

though the sunshines
all you see is dark.
in death our sorrow blinds
us to this hell we call life.

with your money and power
that none can beat,
but then comes the sorrow
and the taste of defeat.

over the hearts of the young,
and souls of the old
depression has sung
this web so cold

though the sunshines
all you see is dark.
in death our sorrow blinds
us to this hell we call life.

then you look around,
and finally you see
that you will always be
what you have always been.

and you just like me,
will always be hell bent...
hell bent for sorrow.
untill the end of time.
#2
Judas Priest fan perhaps?


anywasy the song is tight, somehow power metal comes to mind
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#3
Quote by pyro97132


the sun is shining every day,
but this is not what you take away.
there is nothing we can do
while the shadows consume you.

There is some confusion here with the 'you' and the 'we'. I feel like the main person we shoud be focusing on is the 'you,' the person the shadows are consuming, but there is nothing 'we' can do, as though you're talking about the general human populous, which is.. I don't think what you're talking about..unless 'you' is God or something, which would be an interesting idea, or you mean that 'we' are being consumed in shadow.

though the sunshines
all you see is dark.
in death our sorrow blinds
us to this hell we call life.

through the sunshine all you see is dark is a contradictory, yet, interesting image. I kind of picture an eclipse or something like that..very cool, and its very rare to get dynamic images, especially in a song like this, well done . However, while it sounds good, i'm not sure that sorrow would blind us to the fact that our life is hell, wouldn't sorrow be reveletory to that fact? I think you can have a really good concept here, if you rework it to perhaps make more sense.

with your money and power
that none can beat,
but then comes the sorrow
and the taste of defeat.

I feel like you're taking a stab at being political here, but then you come to the sorrow again... and the taste of defeat. And there's the impersonal 'you' again. It kind of sticks with the theme of the previous stanza, but I think you should strive to make it different, a different stanza, a different concept.

over the hearts of the young,
and souls of the old
depression has sung
this web so cold

do you mean perhaps that depression has 'spun' (rather than sung) this web so cold? That would make more sense, lyrically. I like that you talk about hearts of the young..because the young have their heart to lose...and the souls of the old, because when you die..i suppose thats what you lose. So I guess its telling us to keep heart when we're young..?

though the sunshines
all you see is dark.
in death our sorrow blinds
us to this hell we call life.

then you look around,
and finally you see
that you will always be
what you have always been.

This stanza could be completely nixed, I think. It really doesn't say anything except.. 'hey man, it is what it is.' I think you need to say something more provacative, repeat a better stanza, or get rid of this completely.

and you just like me,
will always be hell bent...
hell bent for sorrow.
untill the end of time.

I feel like you mean "you are just like me/ we will...." So here's the sorrow again. So we WANT the sorrow that masks our eyes from the hell we live in? Odd idea, but I guess i could go with it. Think about what you really want to say.. and see if there's any changes you can make.




The main problem with this, is that the rhyming is inconsistent. When you start with a rhyme scheme, you have to stick with it! This can be difficult... but you can do it. They don't even have to be real rhymes, they can be slant rhymes, etc. You do have a lot of redeeming factors, though, and I really enjoyed critiquing this. I hope to do it again. Thanks

-h_e
what comes up comes out
#4
He pretty much said anything i would want to say, one of the stanzas seemed useless and there was some somewhat cliched off tangent(ness) to it, but it flowed reletively well. gj, edit it some more and it could be even better.
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#5
hey guys thanks for all the advise on this, like i said it just kinda fell out of my head at like 2 in the morning and i really didnt do anything to it. u guys have been a great help

and i guess when i wrote this song it was about someone who is depressed and even if there life was perfect, the sorrow would still consume them. i think that thats what its about now that ive re-read it.

and on this bit of the second stanza

though the sunshines
all you see is dark.

what i ment was, even with all the good thing in your life you put them aside and focus on the dark, bad things in your life
Last edited by pyro97132 at Nov 2, 2007,