#1
This is a rock song written for a very good friend of mine who was falsely accused of vandalism and robbery, only after a month in prison was she proved innocent. I wrote this whilst she was inside because I felt very bitter about how things have become today, when she was released she was very upset and cried so I showed her this and she wants me to perform it at lots of our gigs and play it when we are on radio on xmas, I intend to do just that.......crit for crit...

Medium Tempo-

Intro-

I hate the way that people think they have some sort of control over what you say, it's rubbish if they tell you, what you can't do at the end of the day. Nobody has any right to command me or boss me about, if you try I am not going to stand there keeping shut my mouth.

We live in a world where we are expected to answer to other people, I'm not about to answer to someone who I consider my equal. I don't care if that person is my boss, my parents or a judge, what right have you to observe other people and hold a grudge?

I'm not writing this because i'm filled with hate, because i'm quite the opposite but this system is getting me irate. I wont stand and watch if I see somebody have a go at someone for who I care, I wont stand for arrogance or cockyness just because you think your so special, piss off and go elsewhere.

Don't tell me what I should do with my life
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like
Don't tell me that you're better than me
I'l show you for the little ****s nobody else can see

Leave her alone she didn't do anything wrong, It's your own fault if you seem to have got it wrong. I wont sit and watch while you try and put her away, so i've written a song that's slightly different to what I normally say.

You're pinning the blame on somebody who was a witness but I don't see your proof, I wont sit and wait while I wait for the verdict of whether they are going to tie the noose. Either you show me why you are doing this to my friend, or I'l make sure you never have a reputation ever again.

So go now and leave us in peace, she's been through a trauma and enough is enough she's staying with me. If you try and come anywhere near I wont hold back, don't for a second think because i'm usually calm that I wont attack.

Don't tell me what I should do with my life (cause I wont)
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like (cause I can)
Don't tell me that you're better than me (don't you see)
I'l show you for the little ****s nobody else can see (you're nothing compared to her or me)....(fade out)........


Outro-
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Oct 31, 2007,
#2
All I wanna say is; wow that was good.
Quote by kriscornella2@g
I know i wish i was as cool as you and be into Sum 41 and Taking back Sunday. Gaylord.

Quote by civildp1
you should call one of the songs, "Respecting Old People" just to mix things up.

Quote by вяaи∂ иєw
You just made a very powerful enemy BenFoffenbock.
#3
Quote by BenFoffenbock
All I wanna say is; wow that was good.


Thank you ....appreciate it......It's a song that contains a lot of emotion for me.....got any songs you want me to crit??...
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#5
Quote by iceman_123
dude.........thats incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cheers very much .....anything you want me to review??......
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#6
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
Thank you ....appreciate it......It's a song that contains a lot of emotion for me.....got any songs you want me to crit??...


Unfortunately not much at the moment, we're going through a rebuilding phase, but this was the first song we wrote https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10130626#post10130626

We wrote it when we where fairly young, so it's not the best song

Man that must have been an incredibly difficult ordeal to go through. I like how you've used such strong words and phrases to really get the point across about how emotional the whole situation was. And I'm not that crazy about heavily-metaphorical songs, so I enjoyed how straight to the point is was.

Good luck with the radio gig .
Quote by kriscornella2@g
I know i wish i was as cool as you and be into Sum 41 and Taking back Sunday. Gaylord.

Quote by civildp1
you should call one of the songs, "Respecting Old People" just to mix things up.

Quote by вяaи∂ иєw
You just made a very powerful enemy BenFoffenbock.
Last edited by BenFoffenbock at Oct 31, 2007,
#7
Quote by BenFoffenbock
Unfortunately not much at the moment, we're going through a rebuilding phase, but this was the first song we wrote https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=10130626#post10130626

We wrote it when we where fairly young, so it's not the best song

Man that must have been an incredibly difficult ordeal to go through. I like how you've used such strong words and phrases to really get the point across about how emotional the whole situation was. And I'm not that crazy about heavily-metaphorical songs, so I enjoyed how straight to the point is was.

Good luck with the radio gig .


Thank you very much, let me know anytime in future if you want me to crit any other pieces, i'l be more than happy......

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#8
K, thanx for the crit on mine, Dan. Just thought id say, really heartfelt message evident here, but the lines are too long or awkward, or at least they seemed that way in my reading. The syntax is manipulated too much on occasion and there are too many syllables (it seems).

Really sorry for the mostly negative crit, but the heart of the song, and the message behind it are really important and deserve to be told, good luck with this!
#9
Quote by EvilWeevil
K, thanx for the crit on mine, Dan. Just thought id say, really heartfelt message evident here, but the lines are too long or awkward, or at least they seemed that way in my reading. The syntax is manipulated too much on occasion and there are too many syllables (it seems).

Really sorry for the mostly negative crit, but the heart of the song, and the message behind it are really important and deserve to be told, good luck with this!


Cheers for the honest opinion mate, i'l work on improving it and keep you posted .....
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#10
Yeah dude, that's damn good.

You weren't just saying **** that sounded good... it was you putting your thoughts into it and it sounding AMAZING. Pretty deep.

You should upload samples if you ever decide to turn it into a full song.
#11
Quote by ibryant0915
Yeah dude, that's damn good.

You weren't just saying **** that sounded good... it was you putting your thoughts into it and it sounding AMAZING. Pretty deep.

You should upload samples if you ever decide to turn it into a full song.


I'l make sure I do when it's fully recorded ...
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#12
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
This is a rock song written for a very good friend of mine who was falsely accused of vandalism and robbery, only after a month in prison was she proved innocent. I wrote this whilst she was inside because I felt very bitter about how things have become today, when she was released she was very upset and cried so I showed her this and she wants me to perform it at lots of our gigs and play it when we are on radio on xmas, I intend to do just that.......crit for crit...

Medium Tempo-

Intro-

I hate the way that people think they have some sort of control over what you say, it's rubbish if they tell you, what you can't do at the end of the day. Nobody has any right to command me or boss me about, if you try I am not going to stand there keeping shut my mouth.

Overall it's a good verse but the last line is a bit weird. "I am not going to stand there keeping shut my mouth" this part doesn't really flow.

We live in a world where we are expected to answer to other people, I'm not about to answer to someone who I consider my equal. I don't care if that person is my boss, my parents or a judge, what right have you to observe other people and hold a grudge?

Same thing for this verse. In general it's an okay verse but personally I don't like this part:"I don't care if that person is my boss, my parents or a judge". It's a little over the top.

I'm not writing this because i'm filled with hate, because i'm quite the opposite but this system is getting me irate. I wont stand and watch if I see somebody have a go at someone for who I care, I wont stand for arrogance or cockyness just because you think your so special, piss off and go elsewhere.

"this system is getting me irate" huh?

Don't tell me what I should do with my life
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like
Don't tell me that you're better than me
I'l show you for the little ****s nobody else can see

Leave her alone she didn't do anything wrong, It's your own fault if you seem to have got it wrong. I wont sit and watch while you try and put her away, so i've written a song that's slightly different to what I normally say.

You're pinning the blame on somebody who was a witness but I don't see your proof, I wont sit and wait while I wait for the verdict of whether they are going to tie the noose. Either you show me why you are doing this to my friend, or I'l make sure you never have a reputation ever again.

"You're pinning the blame on somebody who was a witness but I don't see your proof" good line, I like your word-use here. Nice verse

So go now and leave us in peace, she's been through a trauma and enough is enough she's staying with me. If you try and come anywhere near I wont hold back, don't for a second think because i'm usually calm that I wont attack.

Don't tell me what I should do with my life (cause I wont)
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like (cause I can)
Don't tell me that you're better than me (don't you see)
I'l show you for the little ****s nobody else can see (you're nothing compared to her or me)....(fade out)........

Hmm I don't like this last part that much, you fixate a little too hard on the "don't tell me what to do" attitude which gets broing after a while.

Outro-


Overall I'd say this is song but you need a little more diversity in your lyrics. You concentrate to hard on the same subject all the time and it tends to get boring. Also try to be a little more poetic, what I mean is don't just try to tell a story, visualize it too.

There I hope my comment was a little useful, you're on the right track keep on writing and you'll do fine.
#13
truly...there was one thing that bothered me and it was the "rubbish" line in the first stanza...other than that it was amazing!!!!
#14
Quote by jakerickman9208
truly...there was one thing that bothered me and it was the "rubbish" line in the first stanza...other than that it was amazing!!!!


Thanks dude
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#15
Quote by Driveshaft Dan

I hate the way that people think they have some sort of control over what you say, it's rubbish if they tell you, what you can't do at the end of the day. Nobody has any right to command me or boss me about, if you try I am not going to stand there keeping shut my mouth.

So... this stanza is ok. Well written but could use some work. The second line is bothering me. It just doesn't sound good, also the rhyme is seeming forced here. The last line, i know you were trying to make it rhyme with about (and that is a very good rhyme) but it doesn't flow for me. I had to go back and read it over and that is a sign that the flow was off.

We live in a world where we are expected to answer to other people, I'm not about to answer to someone who I consider my equal. I don't care if that person is my boss, my parents or a judge, what right have you to observe other people and hold a grudge?

Not bad. Maybe change the first line to "We live in a world where we are expected to answer to each other." That just flows better in my head. Third line isn't very well written in my opinion. Listing stuff is very hard in a poem/song unless you do it in the right way. This way ruined the flow for me. I'm liking the last line though. Good work.

I'm not writing this because i'm filled with hate, because i'm quite the opposite but this system is getting me irate. I wont stand and watch if I see somebody have a go at someone for who I care, I wont stand for arrogance or cockiness just because you think your so special, piss off and go elsewhere.

The first line doesn't seem to work with the flow of this stanza, I like the meaning behind it though. Second line seems good, as well as the third. Now, the last line isn't doing it for be man. The flow is off, big time. Maybe try taking out something because this isn't doing it for me at all. I don't know what it is though.

Don't tell me what I should do with my life
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like
Don't tell me that you're better than me
I'll show you for the little ****s nobody else can see

Good stuff bro. Unlike trasher02 I really like this line.


Leave her alone she didn't do anything wrong, It's your own fault if you seem to have got it wrong. I wont sit and watch while you try and put her away, so i've written a song that's slightly different to what I normally say.

Nothing to change here. It flows nicely and everything works together. The rhyme away/say is standing out as a forced rhyme but i think you can get away with it because this stanza is well written.

You're pinning the blame on somebody who was a witness but I don't see your proof, I wont sit and wait while I wait for the verdict of whether they are going to tie the noose. Either you show me why you are doing this to my friend, or I'll make sure you never have a reputation ever again.

First line is good. The second needs work though, I don't like the repetition of 'wait', it threw me off. The last two go good together though, i like the friend/again rhyme. those types of rhymes are my favourite. (the ones that don't totally rhyme)

So go now and leave us in peace, she's been through a trauma and enough is enough she's staying with me. If you try and come anywhere near I wont hold back, don't for a second think because i'm usually calm that I wont attack.

First line is a little on the short side which might ruin the flow depending on how you sing it. The second line, I don't like. 'Shes been through a trauma?' I think it should be 'Shes been through enough trauma already, shes staying with me.' or something along those lines. The last two are good though.

Don't tell me what I should do with my life (cause I wont)
Don't tell me I can't say exactly what I like (cause I can)
Don't tell me that you're better than me (don't you see)
I'l show you for the little ****s nobody else can see (you're nothing compared to her or me)....(fade out)........

Same as above. Good way to end it though

Overall, I liked the idea, it just needs some polishing up

Sorry if i seemed a little harsh, but I really like it when people give me constructive criticism. So hopefully you don't take it as me knocking your piece.

I would hope for a crit back on my piece called A Cool Autumn Breeze.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713403
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way