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#1
I know I am. Here's a correspondence I'm sending to Complex Media LLC. to thank them for recently mailing me their shitty magazine. Let me know what you think, and share your telemarketing, spam, or solicitation stories.

Here's a blurb from this month's gripping issue, just to get you in the mood.

Quote by Complex

Obama and Hillary Clinton spit hot-fire as we flip through the pages of the two Presidential Candidate’s lost rhyme books, plus a race-y look at the upcoming NBA season.





To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to take this opportunity to genuinely thank you for sending me the latest issue of Complex Magazine, which I neither want, need, nor asked for. It has always been my opinion that Corporate America practices far too little cold solicitation. How better to inundate consumers with your insignificant product in the hopes to develop a lasting clientele who simply have nothing better to spend their hard earned money on? In fact, I'm going to take it upon myself to personally call the Better Business Bureau in order to inform them of your company's support for our capitalistic economy. Now that I've sung your praises, allow me to dispense with the flattery. I can only imagine that your marketing team thought it wise to stand on the shoulders of the marketing genius leveraged to great success by Gillette when they mailed their Mach3 Razor to anyone in the Western world who has or may eventually have facial hair. Unfortunately for you, this ploy only works under a strict set of circumstances:

1. You're marketing a product that everyone either wants or needs, such as a razor.

2. You stand to inherit a substantial profit selling accessories which are necessary in order to make the initial free product useful, such as razor blades.

3. You market it to your target audience.

This is the reason I am writing you today. Judging from the unoriginal, unintelligent, and uninspired content, I can only assume that your target audience is inner-city children who are in or leaving the third grade. This however, fails to explain the reason I came to receive one which has led me to deduce that your marketing team either, hires inebriated inbreds who couldn't understand a detailed demographics report if it were encoded with driver statistics from this year's Nascar circuit, or that, in a desperate and demoralizing attempt to double annual subscriptions from two to four, they mailed this months issue to any bipedal creature with a permanent 5-digit zip code.

However, poor marketing isn't the only thing obstructing your magazine from literary greatness. The only thing I found to be witty or intelligent is the title, Complex. I found it to be ironically apt considering that's certainly what you must have in order to relate to anything your staff considered so gripping that it would serve you well to mail a copy to the entire continental United States. You may be happy to know that I will however keep the free issue that I received. If I ever suffer severe head trauma I may need a publication with illustrations so that I can point and laugh while pretending to still be able to read, and what better for an individual with special needs to gawk at then gangster rappers who are one record contract away from being considered mentally handicapped themselves? Perhaps your corporate executives.

Have a great day.
Last edited by denizenz at Oct 31, 2007,
#2
Very well written, I hope they reply to that
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#3
In before grammar Nazis.

Quote by denizenz
and what better for an individual with special needs to gawk at then gangster rappers who are one record contract away from being considered mentally handicapped themselves? Perhaps your corporate executives.


*Than


But seriously, very nicely written. Shall be an interesting reply.
#4
I got that from Maxim magazine, but i just stopped them from sending me emails instead of a long speech which they probably won't read or reply, however correct it may be.
Last edited by kidsilcon at Oct 31, 2007,
#5
brutal.


Can't wait for a reply..
Quote by imdeth
This man deserves my +1

+1

Quote by denizenz
Go in peace my son, and teach to the pit dwellers what I have shown unto you.


ಠ_ಠ


XBL: huffy409
#7
Nicely wrote, gets a valid point across really.
Expect to be struck off the Christmas card list they all have.

Quote by Jaymz2K
In before grammar Nazis.
*Than
But seriously, very nicely written. Shall be an interesting reply.


Be careful about that grammar thing.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=702498&page=2&pp=20
Quote by demoniacfashion
Is there any black people on UG?
I don't think a lot of black people play guitar anymore.

Quote by Oasis-fanatic
they all kinda went extinct after hendrix really.


Needless to say, I lol'ed.

Quote by human panda
Appart from being on UG or wanking, thats what i mostly do
#8
Heh, fired it off in an email just now.

Name: B-Dog
Subject: Thanks for the free issue!

We'll see what they have to say about it. I'm sure they won't reply, though I hope it ends up on the desk of one of their writers.
#9
I'm with you denizenz. You've struck a blow for all of us with that letter!
I've got something in my front pocket for you.
Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is?
Then grab onto it, it's just for you.
Give a little squeeze and say: "How do you do?"
#11
Quote by denizenz
Name: B-Dog

Quote by imdeth
This man deserves my +1

+1

Quote by denizenz
Go in peace my son, and teach to the pit dwellers what I have shown unto you.


ಠ_ಠ


XBL: huffy409
#12
Quote by denizenz
I can only imagine that your marketing team thought it wise to stand on the shoulders of the marketing genius leveraged to great success by Gillette when they mailed their Mach3 Razor to anyone in the Western world who has or may eventually have facial hair.


Beautiful. You can't possibly criticize a company's marketing scheme with an argument better than that.

Quote by denizenz
in a desperate and demoralizing attempt to double annual subscriptions from two to four, they mailed this months issue to any bipedal creature with a permanent 5-digit zip code.


That made me lol.

A great letter overall. It is a very well written essay man. I hope they write you back a decent reply.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#13


nice job boss...
Quote by Guitar0player
You're Thurstonsexual

Happily E-Married to En_zed
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing that it demands of a composer is that he be dead.
-- Arthur Honegger

Enjoy reading? Please crit my work .
#14
I am highly amused, but you must know that letter is going unopened into the trash.
Death to Ovation haters!
#17
nice job, i lol'd i would send a couple hundred versions of that letter, to make sure they read it. =]
#19
Quote by denizenz
I know I am. Here's a correspondence I'm sending to Complex Media LLC. to thank them for recently mailing me their shitty magazine. Let me know what you think, and share your telemarketing, spam, or solicitation stories.

Here's a blurb from this month's gripping issue, just to get you in the mood.





To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to take this opportunity to genuinely thank you for sending me the latest issue of Complex Magazine, which I neither want, need, nor asked for. It has always been my opinion that Corporate America practices far too little cold solicitation. How better to inundate consumers with your insignificant product in the hopes to develop a lasting clientele who simply have nothing better to spend their hard earned money on? In fact, I'm going to take it upon myself to personally call the Better Business Bureau in order to inform them of your company's support for our capitalistic economy. Now that I've sung your praises, allow me to dispense with the flattery. I can only imagine that your marketing team thought it wise to stand on the shoulders of the marketing genius leveraged to great success by Gillette when they mailed their Mach3 Razor to anyone in the Western world who has or may eventually have facial hair. Unfortunately for you, this ploy only works under a strict set of circumstances:

1. You're marketing a product that everyone either wants or needs, such as a razor.

2. You stand to inherit a substantial profit selling accessories which are necessary in order to make the initial free product useful, such as razor blades.

3. You market it to your target audience.

This is the reason I am writing you today. Judging from the unoriginal, unintelligent, and uninspired content, I can only assume that your target audience is inner-city children who are in or leaving the third grade. This however, fails to explain the reason I came to receive one which has led me to deduce that your marketing team either, hires inebriated inbreds who couldn't understand a detailed demographics report if it were encoded with driver statistics from this year's Nascar circuit, or that, in a desperate and demoralizing attempt to double annual subscriptions from two to four, they mailed this months issue to any bipedal creature with a permanent 5-digit zip code.

However, poor marketing isn't the only thing obstructing your magazine from literary greatness. The only thing I found to be witty or intelligent is the title, Complex. I found it to be ironically apt considering that's certainly what you must have in order to relate to anything your staff considered so gripping that it would serve you well to mail a copy to the entire continental United States. You may be happy to know that I will however keep the free issue that I received. If I ever suffer severe head trauma I may need a publication with illustrations so that I can point and laugh while pretending to still be able to read, and what better for an individual with special needs to gawk at then gangster rappers who are one record contract away from being considered mentally handicapped themselves? Perhaps your corporate executives.

Have a great day.



thus i present to you the UG constitution
read, learn and appreciate
the 3 r's
Quote by WickedBeast666
Noooooooooooo how could this be! he at all the chocolate in the box
Oh well, now the empty shell of what used to be chocolaty goodness can contain a tasty guitar circuit.


speaking of my homemade pedal
#21
We just get basket-fulls of flyers for take-away places through our door. We get about 3 a day.
"It's not nice when people call you darling and that"
#23
E Mail them/Write them back asking for their home address so YOU can send them useless crap they don't want. =]
#25
Quote by gallagher2006
E Mail them/Write them back asking for their home address so YOU can send them useless crap they don't want. =]

Heh, this reminds me of the Maddox article where he recommends putting coupons into prepaid credit card envelopes in order to get rid of all of your junk mail.

I'm too lazy to actually mail them a letter so email will have to do.
#26
Post the reply.
Why are we so wicked indecisive
Let's hit the streets with toy explosives
And let's enjoy what we have
#27
Dude, E-Mail?

Snail mail is where it's at if you wanna get anywhere with complaints. Somebody has to open it and check, but with an email they can delete it without a second glance.
#28
Quote by Vermintide
Dude, E-Mail?

Snail mail is where it's at if you wanna get anywhere with complaints. Somebody has to open it and check, but with an email they can delete it without a second glance.

I wanted a bit of anoniminity. Last thing I need is a group of thugs busting down my door. Then I'd have to seriously beat some ass, and then I'd be tried for aggravated assault because a white guy can't hit a black guy in any circumstance and get away with it.

Seriously though. It's because I'm a pussy, and my wife might get pissed.
#29
Very nice, although it costs next to nothing for them to actually make the magazines. The reason why you get such a great discount from subscriptions is because they don't give a **** about the money they make from their subscribers. Most of the money lies in the sponsors and other advertisements. More subscribers = More $$$ from more ads.
#30
Quote by Archaon
Very nice, although it costs next to nothing for them to actually make the magazines. The reason why you get such a great discount from subscriptions is because they don't give a **** about the money they make from their subscribers. Most of the money lies in the sponsors and other advertisements. More subscribers = More $$$ from more ads.

Thanks for totally stealing my fire

They're asshats anyway, so there.
#31
To be honest, after about the first sentence or two, if you are not accepting their offer, they will just throw it away and move on. They don't give a damn about what you think. They just want you to subscribe to the magazine.
#32
No reply as of yet. I'm sure that I'll never get one. Even if they read it, they wouldn't want to gratify me with a response.

Quote by stepco12345
To be honest, after about the first sentence or two, if you are not accepting their offer, they will just throw it away and move on. They don't give a damn about what you think. They just want you to subscribe to the magazine.

Another buzz kill. It's not like I wanted to change the magazine industry. It took me minutes to type, and it was worth it for the sheer entertainment value.
#33


Nice one. Really well written.

Quote by denizenz
No reply as of yet. I'm sure that I'll never get one. Even if they read it, they wouldn't want to gratify me with a response.


You never know, you might get one of those pre-made letters apologising for the inconvenience with your name just inserted into the right spaces (and possibly some wrong ones). Like the letters you get as replies if you write to the government. Although politicians will go out of their way to not actually properly apologise for any inconvenience short of death, when it's ceased to matter.

How did I go off on a tangent like that? Anyway, I meant to just say, if you get a response, post it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#34
That was great! I wish I could speak in the manner that you write.
UNLEASH THE FOCKING BURGERS
#35
Quote by denizenz
Thanks for totally stealing my fire

They're asshats anyway, so there.

I'm sorry, babe.
#36
I'm guessing it's gonna be one of those "Thanks for your statement, we in the company value your opinion" responses. Maybe not.

Quote by 6079 Smith W
One time I had this chick setting on my lap, sucking on my neck, unbuttoning my pants when one of my friends walked in and ruined the whole thing. To be fair though, she was his girlfriend.

Shoopin' that whoop since before you were born, son.
#37
Quote by denizenz
I can only imagine that your marketing team thought it wise to stand on the shoulders of the marketing genius leveraged to great success by Gillette when they mailed their Mach3 Razor to anyone in the Western world who has or may eventually have facial hair.


I just got the Fusion razor like 3 days ago in a box saying "An 18th Birthday Gift From Gillette"

I thought i was speshall...
͏͏͏
۩۩۩۩۩۩۩Ƒyre Ðeity۩۩۩۩۩۩۩

Quote by Here_is_no_why

"Hey Mike, did your mom have a C section when she gave birth to you? Because I wanna make sure she's tight before I bang her."
#38
Quote by Fyre Deity
I just got the Fusion razor like 3 days ago in a box saying "An 18th Birthday Gift From Gillette"

I thought i was speshall...

Sorry man, somehow they just happen to know the exact moment that you develop hair on your upper lip. How? Don't ask me, they just know.

Of course, other marketing departments don't possess this same ability. The collective genius at Complex Media didn't even know what color my skin is.
#39
But I'm not even 18 yet.
͏͏͏
۩۩۩۩۩۩۩Ƒyre Ðeity۩۩۩۩۩۩۩

Quote by Here_is_no_why

"Hey Mike, did your mom have a C section when she gave birth to you? Because I wanna make sure she's tight before I bang her."
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