#1
Based on a zulu story I learnt in South Africa. . It needs tons of improvement, so give me hell.

A long long time ago,
when the land was dry
and the rain had ceased
to fall for many a-time.

The cornfields were dried
up, dead weeds turning over
on themselves in pain, the sun
baking them over and over
until they became a fine dust
with the pass of time…

Amongst one of these villages
lived a young girl, Ma-We a beautiful
girl, a child whose hope for better
never left her side. Her soft face
was always a smile, her soul
was always a grin.

One day, her father was going
to get food into the town, giving
Ma-We and her young brother the
task of guarding the place where the
guinea fowl sat on their eggs.
Hyenas were vicious and the food
was low. With courage, galloping inside
here veins, Ma-we spat and swore, to
guard those eggs, forever and ever.

Yet the sun was scalding on her young
skin and hour after hour, the hyenas
would attack, leaving Ma-We and her
brother, desperate and tired.

“We will go,” Ma-We said,
“ to the waterhole there, by
the great cave, and when we
have drunk, we shall return
quickly.

Leaving the eggs, they ran towards
the whole, and filling their bellies
the water, they drank. But as they

started to arrive back, it was too late,
the largest hyena they had ever seen
had left it’s hiding in the bushes and
had eaten the guinea fowl, leaving all
the eggs smashed into pieces.
Hai wena! Hai wena!

Ma-We and her brother, were
very well afraid, fear of what
might happen lined their young
faces. Picking up the broken
pieces of egg, with as much care
as her shaking hands allowed her,
Ma-We looked up and cried:

Who will help me now?
Who will help me fix there?

Ma-We, she is a blessed one,
the heavens have heard her cry
and looking to her right she sees,
the i-Nesedhlu bird,
the honey guide bird, it’s wings
caught and torn amongst a thorn-bush.

“pirr pirr! pirr pirr!” the birds happy song
has become empty and melancholic, a glint
in it’s eye, reveals it’s pain and suffering.

Stretching her hands out she
helps the bird out. Smiling,
she holds it, warming it’s body
between her small hands.

Letting it free, it sings, happy once more:

“Whit pirr! Whit pirr!
Follow me Ma-We, your heart
is of gold and I am in debt with you,
for you have saved my life. Come, come
with me, we will go to the cave. We shall
find the land of the spirits together” it called.

Hearing her parents, Ma-We’s pace
quickened, she ran to the cave
but her brother feel back. He was
to frightened and confused, so her
ran to his mother:
“My sister, she is gone.”

Running to the cave, her mother
cries dearly:

“Ma-We, Ma-We, I have no anger
for you. Come back. Come back
my daughter.”

But inside the cave, Ma-We is shown
the way to a nest of wild bees, by the
honey-guide. Propping his beak, he
shows her how to fix the shells with the
beeswax and to fill them with honey.

“Now you must return to your parents,
for they are worried,
you must take them the eggs and you
will have much food to eat, Ma-We,
whit pirr! whit pirr!” he told her.

Looking at her, the honey-guide,
laid another egg. This one was small,
a gust of wind to violent might shatter it.
It was surrounded with colours of the
rainbow and it glowed, shedding light
on the cave. Continuing to speak,
the honey-guide looks at Ma-We
intensely:

“Remember the egg – make it whole
and you will always be happy,
for inside, Ma-We, both of you are full
of the true sweetness of love.

So she ran out of the gave and headed
back to her family’s hut, filling her belly
with the richness of all the honey-filled
eggs that Ma-We had fixed, with her
magic, her love and with this power
they filled again, and again, and again
feeding her family through the drought.

And all her life, she lived of happiness
for she kept the honey-guide’s egg close
to her heart and always remembered what
she had been told:

“Make the egg whole, for there is sweetness, inside.”

Kunjalo! Aren’t we all like so?
#2
i like it.. but it's kinda long :P
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
ಠ_ಠ
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
#4
It's long . Story is good . It can use some revision . I'll come later to this and Get rid of line breaks and arrange it in a paragraph or something.

Hi
#5
Thanks nick.

<3333. Won't be in chat tonight.

Andy, I was actually thinking of that. I wanted to make a poem telling a story but a paragraph might actually work. I was really inspired by Béquer, he is a Spanish poet, from the romantic era, that used to write legends(in verse). I wanted to do something like that. Tis a different them but a similar approach... I think.
#6
Quote by confusius
Based on a zulu story I learnt in South Africa. . It needs tons of improvement, so give me hell.

A long long time ago,
when the land was dry
and the rain had ceased
to fall for many a-time.

This is not a sentence. There is no verb so you need to either add some content or take out punctuation.

The cornfields were dried
Yet the sun was scalding on her young
skin and hour after hour, the hyenas
would attack, leaving Ma-We and her
brother, desperate and tired.

“We will go,” Ma-We said,
“ to the waterhole there, by
the great cave, and when we
have drunk, we shall return
quickly.

i think this should be l2 to the waterhole by the great gave l3- and when we have drunk we shall return

Leaving the eggs, they ran towards
the whole, and filling their bellies
the water, they drank. But as they
started to arrive back, it was too late,
the largest hyena they had ever seen
had left it’s hiding in the bushes and
had eaten the guinea fowl, leaving all
the eggs smashed into pieces.
Hai wena! Hai wena!

umm this doesnt make much sense. L2-l3 is redundant again and watch flow problems again. rest is fine

Ma-We and her brother, were
very well afraid, fear of what
might happen lined their young
faces. Picking up the broken
pieces of egg, with as much care
as her shaking hands allowed her,
Ma-We looked up and cried:

good

Who will help me now?
Who will help me fix there?

Ma-We, she is a blessed one,
the heavens have heard her cry
and looking to her right she sees,
the i-Nesedhlu bird,
the honey guide bird, it’s wings
caught and torn amongst a thorn-bush.

l2 should just be the heavens heard her cry. how come were jumping from past to present tense here?

“pirr pirr! pirr pirr!” the birds happy song
has become empty and melancholic, a glint
in it’s eye, reveals it’s pain and suffering.

this is very interesting stanza, i like this concept once again.

Stretching her hands out she
helps the bird out. Smiling,
she holds it, warming it’s body
between her small hands.


dont repeat out here.

Letting it free, it sings, happy once more:

“Whit pirr! Whit pirr!
Follow me Ma-We, your heart
is of gold and I am in debt with you,
for you have saved my life. Come, come
with me, we will go to the cave. We shall
find the land of the spirits together” it called.

more flow issues but i think you get the point by now.

Hearing her parents, Ma-We’s pace
quickened, she ran to the cave
but her brother feel back. He was
to frightened and confused, so her
ran to his mother:
“My sister, she is gone.”

is that brother fell back? and then l5 should be so he ran to his mother

Running to the cave, her mother
cries dearly:

bring line 2 up

“Ma-We, Ma-We, I have no anger
for you. Come back. Come back
my daughter.”

But inside the cave, Ma-We is shown
the way to a nest of wild bees, by the
honey-guide. Propping his beak, he
shows her how to fix the shells with the
beeswax and to fill them with honey.

fine

“Now you must return to your parents,
for they are worried,
you must take them the eggs and you
will have much food to eat, Ma-We,
whit pirr! whit pirr!” he told her.

yay for honey meals... everythings good

Looking at her, the honey-guide,
laid another egg. This one was small,
a gust of wind to violent might shatter it.
It was surrounded with colours of the
rainbow and it glowed, shedding light
on the cave. Continuing to speak,
the honey-guide looks at Ma-We
intensely:

no comma at end of l1.

“Remember the egg – make it whole
and you will always be happy,
for inside, Ma-We, both of you are full
of the true sweetness of love.

So she ran out of the gave and headed
back to her family’s hut, filling her belly
with the richness of all the honey-filled
eggs that Ma-We had fixed, with her
magic, her love and with this power
they filled again, and again, and again
feeding her family through the drought.

Should be cave not gave. umm no commas on l4 and l5 is just punctuated stranch doesnt really make much sense

And all her life, she lived of happiness
for she kept the honey-guide’s egg close
to her heart and always remembered what
she had been told:

“Make the egg whole, for there is sweetness, inside.”

Kunjalo! Aren’t we all like so?


To be honest its rather boring but i hoped it helped

you better return that took forever :P https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=699024

and if you could just leave a small comment on this one that would be greatly appreciated, no worries if you dont have the time though

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701476
#7
I read the first 5 or 6 stanza's and actually was really digging it, but then it started to drag a little and then I cheated and saw how long it was, and just gave up. But I think the begining is really cool and something you can maybe work off of after you hopefully trim this down a bit.