#1
not sure what I think of this one, all help appreciated. C4C.

the path's been beaten several times by demons with kind eyes.
i try to breathe but it's hard, i find, to suffer through their lies.
a pat on the back, "chin up, chap!"
a slap on the ass, "get back to class!"
they chuckle sardonic delight.
a group of them gathers with death on their breath,
"the clouds bleed crimson tonight."

evil coming,
cities crumbling.
what can we do to fight this?
the answer hidden
in a book forbidden.
"divorce the heart from the mind."

the graveyard shift's a lonely place for paranoia's eyes.
she blinks for a moment and i'm at ease, but her presence cannot be denied.
dueling suspicions start the ignition.
the demons arrive, the dead come alive
as darkness consumes all light.
a group of them gathers with death on their breath,
"the clouds bleed crimson tonight."

evil coming,
cities crumbling.
what can we do to fight this?
the answer hidden
in a book forbidden.
"divorce the heart from the mind."

chasing a dream.
chased by a fiend.
this all will be over by morning.
nocturnal delusions
what's the solution?
"divorce the heart from the mind."
#2
i stopped reading these because they're usually pretty weak. However, this isn't too bad at all. second verse is a little gothy, but otherwise, i like where you're going with it. out of curiousity, what tempo will you sing this to? or is it a poem? anyway, so far so good.
#3
ha i think its a little too gothy for my tastes as well. it wasnt written bad but the content was boring and too dark for me. Though i will comment on the "Divorce the heart from the mind" line i think you did very good there using the word "divorce" personally i think that should be the title.

c4c? http://w9.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701476
#5
It was really dark, Possibly suited to hardcore or metal? second verse seemed really gothy. Good rhymes though.
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#6
amputecture: this will be sung, and probably at mid-tempo. i'm writing the music for it now, so we'll see how it turns out.

everyone else: the music/singing style will be comparable Say Hello To Sunshine-esque Finch.

Thanks for the crits guys!
#7
I don't understand? Sometimes the dark and macabre can be the most interesting things ever! I'm not sure what you guys mean by "gothy" but i'm sure its a sweeping generalisation.

now, onto the poem.


Quote by b r y a n


the path's been beaten several times by demons with kind eyes.
i try to breathe but it's hard, i find, to suffer through their lies.
a pat on the back, "chin up, chap!"
a slap on the ass, "get back to class!"
they chuckle sardonic delight.
a group of them gathers with death on their breath,
"the clouds bleed crimson tonight."

There are several good lines here. "Demons with kind eyes" stands out. However, the path's been beaten is a cliche, and I think its a bit too prosey, you can cut some words here and there, but obviously, if its a song, your melody may carry it well. I don't know . "I Try to breathe" is also a cliche... change it. "They chuckle in sardonic delight" is good, though. Death on their breath I think is also a cliche. "The clouds bleed crimson tonight" SOUNDS good, but I think there's a stronger image then that.

evil coming,
cities crumbling.
what can we do to fight this?
the answer hidden
in a book forbidden.
"divorce the heart from the mind."

I'm not really sure I believe divorcing the heart from the mind will help us fight coming evil, but hey. Its your chorus. And what forbidden book is this hidden in? This stanza feels rather occult. I do like the notion of natural disaters, which what i assume you mean by "cities crumbling" just look at New Orleans... its something that is certainly possible, and is VERY good material for lyrics/poetry.

the graveyard shift's a lonely place for paranoia's eyes.
she blinks for a moment and i'm at ease, but her presence cannot be denied.
dueling suspicions start the ignition.
the demons arrive, the dead come alive
as darkness consumes all light.
a group of them gathers with death on their breath,
"the clouds bleed crimson tonight."

I think you can just say "paranoid eyes" instead of "paranoia's" eyes. I like that you are personifying paranoia, but i don't think that it sounds good. That is to say, I don't think its lyrically sound. Who is she? All of a sudden she appears and then is gone again. Is 'she' paranoia? If so, then I think you should change it to 'it'. I don't think we should necessarily give a gender to paranoia. Of course, you're the lyricist, its up to you. "darkness consumes all light" is a cliche. and you know how i feel about the last two lines.

evil coming,
cities crumbling.
what can we do to fight this?
the answer hidden
in a book forbidden.
"divorce the heart from the mind."

chasing a dream.
chased by a fiend.
this all will be over by morning.
nocturnal delusions
what's the solution?
"divorce the heart from the mind."

chasing a dream chased by a friend? weak. maybe chasing a dream, but I have no idea what you mean to convey by saying its chased by a friend. I like the notion that "this all will be over by morning" because I got the impression that "cities crumbling" isn't exactly something that goes away with sunrise, but perhaps its still night and the narrator is still wishfully hoping that this is a nightmare. I like "nocturnal delusions" weak ending though.


I'm not exactly positive I agree with your message here, but I don't often critique on that. Your content is good, full of darkness and hellish images, etc, nothing wrong with that. But your main problem is not with your content, its with your delivery. you tend to say things plainly, and with little sensory detail. Work on incorporating more images into your piece, and the 'plain' part of what i'm telling you will likely remedy itself.

Hope i was helpful

h_e
what comes up comes out