#1
First attempt ever at a song that makes hardly any sense, whatsoever. There's a sort've semi-meaning underneath, but I don't know if anyone will get it; it's not that intricate. Did this for fun, supposed to go with a more funky alternative tune, perhaps.

Coiled umbrellas make
tethered old fellas, well ya's
bring'em together with the oiled shells
send them off to bluescorn rubyfaced hells

breeze like bouncing bass
uno, doce, you know the lace
around the neck of a starcrossed lover
hung from the lung, and then you shove her

drop a quarter in the dingy wells
buy a broken spine to tell her broken tales
and believe me kid, "she'll thank you for it"
the creepy sweetheart words, yeah she'll adore it

now comes the trippy bus with the flyring weather
step up a goofy lie that you fed her
will mess it up well
so dress it up now
and tell her, like a metaphorical turkey

she chews those words like a bitter jerky
a little further you stalk, and the water's gettin murky
wading deeper and deeper, descent gettin steeper
you told me you'd keep her

but the machine's askin for more
and you popped your last quarter off a fifty cent wh0re
she'll be dead in a minute, if you like it you'd let it
bring you a senate to vote off the minute
and shoot the asteroid belt, a thousand beeps to win it
vocational school knockin like an overdue tenate

you light up the pipe and
hey wait a minute
#2
Quote by phelicks


Coiled umbrellas make
tethered old fellas, well ya's
bring'em together with the oiled shells
send them off to bluescorn rubyfaced hells

Let me start by saying..I acknowledge that you did this for fun, and I'm going to critique as though you didn't. Because if you want to be more serious about this piece, I think your going to want the truth. Okay, at first glance/skim, I'm noticing that you have an inconsistent rhyming pattern. Either make it consistent, or get rid of it. None of this half-ass stuff. HOWEVER, I like the images in this first stanza, particularly, 'coiled umbrellas' and 'oiled shells'. BUT, there is a point where you can use adjectives to modify a noun too much, and I think this has happened with 'bluescorn rubyfaced hells' You are too exact with this image... you need to leave it open. This time, its because its a very confusing image..if you just said bluescorn or just said rubyfaced, i think we get a better image.

breeze like bouncing bass
uno, doce, you know the lace
around the neck of a starcrossed lover
hung from the lung, and then you shove her

I really like the first line, it has a real lyrical quality to it, I like the way it sounds when I say it. I think, however, that the next line is completely meaningless. The image is interesting, I'm trying to imagine someone hung from the lung (odd internal rhyme.btw) Its kind of a gory image. Also, GREAT allusion in this stanza with 'starcrossed lover' While this is kind of an obvious one, Shakespear allusions are always good.

drop a quarter in the dingy wells
buy a broken spine to tell her broken tales
and believe me kid, "she'll thank you for it"
the creepy sweetheart words, yeah she'll adore it

I like the first line. Everyone has seen a 'dingy well' full of discarded change. However, in the next line, I think you can come up with a more interesting word than 'broken' to modify either 'spine' or 'tales' Its obvious that you would use a broken spine to tell broken tales...Tell us something that's not obvious, or don't tell us anything at all. Also, in the last line, I think you can erase 'yeah' , you really don't need it.

now comes the trippy bus with the flyring weather
step up a goofy lie that you fed her
will mess it up well
so dress it up now
and tell her, like a metaphorical turkey

I like this stanza.... especially 'trippy bus' I kind of picture some sort of 'shaggin wagon' or something. Except I have no idea what flyring is. Don't think thats a word. I think you mean either flying or frying.. either of which would be interesting. the rest of the stanza is kind of mediocre. I think you can make some good changes though, maybe talk about the bus or the weather..give us more dynamic images than just 'metaphorical turkey' which in and of itself..isn't really an image at all.

she chews those words like a bitter jerky
a little further you stalk, and the water's gettin murky
wading deeper and deeper, descent gettin steeper
you told me you'd keep her

LOVE the first line, there is some really good sensory detail pretaining to taste and motion in that line... chewing something that's hard, bitter, excellent feeling there. However, I like where its going, until you get to the last line, which was dissapointingly weak, and it seemed like a forced rhyme.

but the machine's askin for more
and you popped your last quarter off a fifty cent wh0re
she'll be dead in a minute, if you like it you'd let it
bring you a senate to vote off the minute
and shoot the asteroid belt, a thousand beeps to win it
vocational school knockin like an overdue tenate

Wow. A lot is going on in this stanza, and they all run together, kind of like an abstract image, which is actually, really interesting when I read it again, and again. I'd make suggestions here but I don't want you to damage the integrity of the image... except i'd probably like you to avoid rhyming 'it' with 'it' especially since you have a really INTERESTING rhyme of 'senate' and 'tenate' . After reading this stanza, I'd probably recommend that you work this rhyme scheme into the rest of the piece.

you light up the pipe and
hey wait a minute

ending is abrupt, doesn't really say anything. I implore you to examine mroe options for an ending.



So overall, there are a lot of good lines, and a lot of good ideas going on in this poem. If you wrote this to not have a point at all and to completely be nonsense, I think you have failed, because there are still some recurring ideas and images. But, this is not necessarily a bad thing, beacuse I usually regard nonsense poems to be just that, nonsense. So, at any rate, good job, I think there's a lot of improvements to be made, though.

I hope this critique was helpful,
regards,

h_e
what comes up comes out
Last edited by haunted_engines at Oct 31, 2007,
#3
Quote by haunted_engines
So overall, there are a lot of good lines, and a lot of good ideas going on in this poem. If you wrote this to not have a point at all and to completely be nonsense, I think you have failed, because there are still some recurring ideas and images. But, this is not necessarily a bad thing, beacuse I usually regard nonsense poems to be just that, nonsense. So, at any rate, good job, I think there's a lot of improvements to be made, though.

I hope this critique was helpful,
regards,

h_e


Oh wow, thanks for the advice. I'll take it to heart if/when I decide to rewrite or write some more. Really though, that was extremely helpful and I wasn't expecting it in the least. =D
#4
yeah looking back, this critique was rather massive. But I'm glad you thought it was helpful... if it wasn't, I would have failed.
what comes up comes out
#5
Listen to death of a martian..... Reminds me of rhcp. Very whimsical
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