#1
Why must you be so elusive
why must you trick me in belief
when your games are so abusive
when your gone its such a relief

Im hanging on
im falling now
but theres nobody around
to help me up
to love me back
so i guess ill just stay down

You won the battle
you won the war
but no worry
ill be back for more

Im hanging on
im falling now
but theres nobody around
to help me up
to love me back
so i guess ill just stay down

thats all i got for now.... any suggestions plz doont like rip me apart i know its cliche...
The problem with rock music is there are to many people that play the guitar... and not enough guitarist. Guitar Hero Doesnt help...
#2
Don't worry too much about cliche. You should try to avoid it, but don't try so hard to avoid cliche that you destroy the message you are trying to convey. That said, one thing you can do to help fix cliche lines is to add a bit of a twist to it, so it isn't a cliche anymore Your first stanza is good, I liked it and I don't think I'd change much of anything about it. I like your chorus, despite the "falling" cliche and "staying down" and "help me up". Who really cares, as long as it sounds good? Your second stanza seems a bit short compared to the first. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but you may want to try filling it out some more so that there's a bit more space in between your choruses. Because right now, you have a decent 1st stanza, a relatively large chorus, a small 2nd stanza, and then the relatively large chorus again. I would personally try adding some more space in between the two choruses. So, overall, I'd say it's pretty good. I didn't get the feeling that any of the rhymes were really forced, and the message was pretty clear. I once had somebody tell me that as an artist, it's our job not to tell someone how we feel, but to show it. So perhaps you could spice it up some by finding ways to describe situations that show how you are feeling, instead of simply saying "I feel like crap" I'd say that this is a good start, and keep up the good work.
#3
Why must you be so elusive
why must you trick me in belief
when your games are so abusive
when your gone its such a relief
Nothing really bad, I don't feel a flow to much. (not every piece of literature requires flow, I just believe that this particular piece needs it).

Im hanging on
im falling now
but theres nobody around
to help me up
to love me back
so i guess ill just stay down
I'm hanging on, I'm falling now is actually kind of good. I like the imagery of slipping, of trying hard to stay above, and then this realization that it's no use. I don't like the last line, "so I guess I'll just stay down...". Feels to forced to me, like it doesn't fit or something. There's nothing to say you've landed, and I think the sense of falling feels better .

You won the battle
you won the war
but no worry
ill be back for more
First off I'd prefer "you've" to "you". The word "worry" just doesn't fit. Let me elaborate. When I read your words, I come to the conclusion that you're antagonizer feels in control. They're toying with you, in a sense. To me they wouldn't so much be worried, as they would know that you'd be coming back for more. Other than that this a good stanza, short, clean, and simple.

Im hanging on
im falling now
but theres nobody around
to help me up
to love me back
so i guess ill just stay down


This is a good piece, as you said, it's a bit cliche--but cliche isn't bad. Don't let people make you think it is, either. My critique might have seemed harsh, but you did a fairly good job. I think it will definitely become a good piece once finished. Critique mine? My Short Hair Is Getting Too Short
#4
Quote by theoneandonlyq
Don't worry too much about cliche. You should try to avoid it, but don't try so hard to avoid cliche that you destroy the message you are trying to convey. That said, one thing you can do to help fix cliche lines is to add a bit of a twist to it, so it isn't a cliche anymore.


I'm going to go ahead and disagree. Cliche is your enemy. theoneandonly is right, you should avoid it, at all costs, including losing your message. Because, if you're serious at trying to be a songwriter or a poet, you WILL be able to find a way to get your message across without using a cliche. Cliches in themselves take away from your message, why would you say something that everyone has heard before when you can say something new that gets inside people's heads? Those are my thoughts on cliche. Think about it.
what comes up comes out
#5
Quote by haunted_engines
I'm going to go ahead and disagree. Cliche is your enemy. theoneandonly is right, you should avoid it, at all costs, including losing your message. Because, if you're serious at trying to be a songwriter or a poet, you WILL be able to find a way to get your message across without using a cliche. Cliches in themselves take away from your message, why would you say something that everyone has heard before when you can say something new that gets inside people's heads? Those are my thoughts on cliche. Think about it.



Words are words, and everyone has a different way of conveying a message. Some could use cliches as a tool to get their message across (such as reiterating a point--cliches are exceptionally great at that). I'm not saying that cliches are great, I'm just saying that they're not necessarily terrible.

With that said, a cliche line here or there is different than a whole cliche song/poem/literature.
#6
There are (rare) times when a cliche CAN be used as a tool.

But I maintain: cliches are your enemy, especially when you're a beginner.
what comes up comes out