Poll: Vote!
Poll Options
View poll results: Vote!
Green
2 10%
Blue
7 35%
Red
2 10%
Indigo
9 45%
Voters: 20.
#1
Inertial Navigation

i started to feel sick,
like i'd gotten used to the spin
just as it finished.

she danced like she
was trying to move something
across the room with her hips,
and she did.
it's the way
she touches me
like she knows
she shouldn't be,
the way her lips
look so innocent
as they sin across my skin.

it was a night of lustful misgivings
and explaining why the moon
looks so small in your hands.

and sometimes i mistake things
for what they really are, like
those summer nights
we killed our time
watching the stars drip
from the sky.



Gehenna (The gate to Hell)

I stood. A luminary.
Against a viscous tide of shallow breaths
smut rolls wander from a tableau -
as attentive eyes cater a silent pyre
in crest-fallen skies,
while cantering souls lead past a simoniac
gifting Ayin Ha'ra to spurious followers.

I knelt. In half-light.
Upon schema-conduits of barren soles,
Khamsin winds scour laden plains -
as committed minds cater a boundless pyre
in downcast hearts,
while cantering souls present a sacrifice
- with extremis apt - to the edge of Hell's throat.

I leapt. A martyr.
Towards the uncharted depths of Earth's crux
Gehenna's limbs entwine my body -
as destined fingers cater an infinite pyre
with expectant reach,
while cantering souls lift future offerings
above the smouldering sands, ready to let go.



Walls

We'd spent our time together,
with cement-covered hands
and trowels and mixers
building our wall, brick by brick.
We had taken down the
scaffolding poles and planks-
the wall was finished;
they held no use.

Into summer, when the sun
caresses the sky into
a warming smile, our wall
stood proudly amongst others.
They were just pretenders
compared to ours, we thought.

Predictably, the thunderstorms
came, blustering and pounding
upon the solid stature. Exploding
in the sky, cannoning, destroying
what we'd crafted together. The
aftermath left us open mouthed.

Neither of us moved to fix it.
I saw you stare, as I did, at the
large pile of rubble on the ground.
It remained like that for many months;
passers-by flashing a rue smile
at our obvious, poor workmanship.

I spoke first- let's rebuild.

So having learned from past mistakes
we built this wall with better bricks,
and many storms have blown and gone
but our wall stands, now tall and strong.



I Rock
She said,
I could case myself
in the most beautiful marble
in a statuesque pose,
encrust my eyes with
sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds,
with onyx pupils,
and you'd still take me for granite.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 1, 2007,
#5
****

EDIT: I was in such a hurry cause I'd forgot about it that it slipped my mind. It doesn't matter cause mods can see who voted, so Steve can check at the end to see if there was cheating.
#6
Green...

Couldn't get past the pun in indigo... Red was good... but I just didn't connect... and blue was too wordy for my unintellectual brain.

Just in case anyone cares as to why I made my decision... which was actually a very tough one... but I doubt anyone does...

*Turns off lights, sits in corner crying*
#8
Quote by confusius
****

EDIT: I was in such a hurry cause I'd forgot about it that it slipped my mind. It doesn't matter cause mods can see who voted, so Steve can check at the end to see if there was cheating.


I doubt Steve can.
Since I can't.

Did you check up with him?
#10
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
this is the pinnacle of UG's writing?



My sentiments exactly... I've was definitely not blown away by any of these pieces... I've read stuff from all of these guys before that was better. But as they say, not every piece is a masterpiece.

*EDIT: Not claiming that I write any better either... so don't flame down that path... hints why I would not be in the grand championship.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 2, 2007,
#11
Quote by rushmore
who wrote the last one or can we not know who's is who's?


i wrote it driving home from school one day because i knew i was really late to submit for this competition. a granite truck drove by me and somehow i got that idea.
#13
Well the blue one had really good imagery, and I was going to vote for it...but there were SO many issues with punctuation! Whoever wrote it, i want you to know that you need to work on your punctuation, then you will be FORMIDABLE.

But, the last one was so clever... it was by far the best
what comes up comes out
#14
Quote by circular.parade
I doubt Steve can.
Since I can't.

Did you check up with him?



Well if he can't I can ask an Smod for help... I know they can.
#15
I sat on the fence on this one long enough. Time to vote.

Indigo: Clever, but the whole piece was nothing more than a set-up to deliver the punchline at the end. It's just one long, run-on sentence. It left me feeling like it could have / should have been so much more. For an OTS or even a normal comp, it would have been appropriate, as-is. You'll win with this, but you won't get my vote. Sorry.

Blue: Well constructed. I liked the abrupt staccato beginning of each stanza. Too many unfamiliar references to middle eastern / Jewish culture for me. I hate having to look more than one thing up to understand a piece. Three times spoiled the experience for me.

Green: A couple of very nice moments. Having her "move" you with her hips and her lips "sinning across your skin" made this worth the time. It was hard to not vote for this.

Red: The entire piece as a metaphor for a marriage/relationship sits well with me. Success in the conclusion could have been more developed or even better, shown as a hope for the future. Still good enough to get my vote, as is.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#16
Quote by haunted_engines
Well the blue one had really good imagery, and I was going to vote for it...but there were SO many issues with punctuation! Whoever wrote it, i want you to know that you need to work on your punctuation, then you will be FORMIDABLE.

But, the last one was so clever... it was by far the best


issues with punctuation? i'd disagree. the punctuation is intentional, clearly. its serving a purpose in terms of the pacing of the poem. i mean, with some writers, i definitely think its worth pointing out non-standard punctuation and syntax, or if they've invented a word, because its very possibly not deliberate, but with steve (this is by steve, yeah?) its not necessary. he's aware of grammatical conventions. but he's also aware that its perfectly acceptable to break those conventions.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#18
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
issues with punctuation? i'd disagree. the punctuation is intentional, clearly. its serving a purpose in terms of the pacing of the poem. i mean, with some writers, i definitely think its worth pointing out non-standard punctuation and syntax, or if they've invented a word, because its very possibly not deliberate, but with steve (this is by steve, yeah?) its not necessary. he's aware of grammatical conventions. but he's also aware that its perfectly acceptable to break those conventions.


I didn't feel it was effective.
what comes up comes out
#19
Quote by haunted_engines
I didn't feel it was effective.


really? fair enough. i thought it was good. but your post did seem to suggest more that you thought the punctuation was wrong than that you didnt like it. which are different things.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#20
^Yeah. Probably. Sometimes I get on my high-horse and confuse the two.

It happens when a lot of your life has to do with poetry. I apologize.
what comes up comes out
#21
Quote by haunted_engines
^Yeah. Probably. Sometimes I get on my high-horse and confuse the two.

It happens when a lot of your life has to do with poetry. I apologize.


i know the feeling. english degree=argh. but a good argh, i think.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.