#1
Six figures emerge from the inner city

Figure one
ETHCUTHE ME
The first thing you notice is the lack of teeth
Three or four dangle sickly from rotten gums
Blood and pus are secreted from the infected orifice
The stench of crypt breath hits you, like rotten bodies baking in the sun
Your nostrils detonate in response to fetid inhalations
Eyes begin to water, your body tells you to run

Figure two
This figure brandishes a walking stick
Both eyes are consumed by cataracts
The lack of sight does not hinder the progress of this individual
He seems to trample anything in his path
Beating it first with his stick, savagely

Figure three
The face has been consumed by some illness
Most likely smallpox
Deep caverns are carved in the cheeks
This face resembles a German battlefield during world war II.

Figure four
A woman larger than life itself
This corpulent spectacle swings back and forth under her immense weight
Adipose tissue leaks from rips and tears in her shoddy rag attire
It makes you wonder what she could possibly have found to eat
Stray cats? Rodents? Someone’s pet dog?

Figure five
Excrement stains are smeared wildly about his clothing
Including the green beanie he clasps in his hands
He speaks an unknown tongue
When he looks at you, he seems to stare through you
He babbles madly with a deep inflection in his voice
You are subjected to indecipherable condemnations
The brown mumbler understands not his own apocryphal idiolect
He perceives a world vastly different than ours

Figure Six
This figure appears seemingly from nowhere
The embodiment of the city’s darkest corners
An entity spawned from the shadows
He skulks about coolly with a devious look on his face
His shady demeanor is frightening and mystifying
This vile delinquent draws your eyes
while he removes your wallet with an arm 15 feet long
Last edited by noahray at Nov 1, 2007,
#2
i like how honest you are with this piece. you say what everyone would think when encountering these people, but very few people would actually say it out loud.

i promise i'll do a full crit later. i'm just not feeling motivated enough right now...


-ray-
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
wow, it mils it just a little bit too much
but if yoou take uot some of the death essences it'll be pretty good.
#5
Quote by noahray
Six figures emerge from the inner city

Figure one
ETHCUTHE ME
The first thing you notice is the lack of teeth
Three or four dangle sickly from rotten gums
Blood and pus are secreted from the infected orifice
The stench of crypt breath hits you, like rotten bodies baking in the sun
Your nostrils detonate in response to fetid inhalations
Eyes begin to water, your body tells you to run

theres some truly disgusting imagery here...and i mean that in the best way possible. the fourth line, comparing crypt breath with dead bodies is a little redundant. i mean, aren't crypts little buildings with dead bodies in them(that's actually a question. at the risk of sounding like an idiot, i really don't know for sure...)?

Figure two
This figure brandishes a walking stick
Both eyes are consumed by cataracts
The lack of sight does not hinder the progress of this individual
He seems to trample anything in his path
Beating it first with his stick, savagely

i dont really like the use of the word brandishes. i'm not really sure why, it just sticks out in a bad way for me. and i don't like the jumbled chronological order of the last two lines. to me it seemed like it slowed down the flow.

Figure three
The face has been consumed by some illness
Most likely smallpox
Deep caverns are carved in the cheeks
This face resembles a German battlefield during world war II.

i thought this description was a little bit lacking. all you give us is a face, where the imagery in all the others has much more than that to offer. the content itself isnt bad, i just wish there was more.

Figure four
A woman larger than life itself
This corpulent spectacle swings back and forth under her immense weight
Adipose tissue leaks from rips and tears in her shoddy rag attire
It makes you wonder what she could possibly have found to eat
Stray cats? Rodents? Someone’s pet dog?

the first line is a bit overused, i think you can do better. everything else in the piece is new and original, just make this line like the rest. i didnt like the last two lines either, mostly because i automatically assumed with the third line that she spends all her money on food, hence the nasty clothing. thats just me, though.

Figure five
Excrement stains are smeared wildly about his clothing
Including the green beanie he clasps in his hands
He speaks an unknown tongue
When he looks at you, he seems to stare through you
He babbles madly with a deep inflection in his voice
You are subjected to indecipherable condemnations
The brown mumbler understands not his own apocryphal idiolect
He perceives a world vastly different than ours

i think the last line is either out of place or completely unnecessary. i would move it between the fourth and fifth lines. and i don't really like 'the brown mumbler.' it makes me think of a vaguely racist pro wrestler name.

Figure Six
This figure appears seemingly from nowhere
The embodiment of the city’s darkest corners
An entity spawned from the shadows
He skulks about coolly with a devious look on his face
His shady demeanor is frightening and mystifying
This vile delinquent draws your eyes
while he removes your wallet with an arm 15 feet long

i like that you saved this one for last, it makes a good ending. i love the last line.




so all in all, i liked this piece. i know my crit was mostly negative, but thats only because i'm too lazy at the moment to write in all the good things i saw...just assume if i didnt mention it that i liked it. that may not actually be true, but thats all i have to offer at the moment.

thanks for the crit on mine!
-ray-
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#6
kickass title - more later
if anyone wants a hardcore/punk/metal/dark or non-red,black,& white band logo pm me