Poll: Funniest?
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View poll results: Funniest?
Drummer jokes
109 43%
Bassist jokes
85 34%
Guitarist jokes
19 8%
Vocalist jokes
3 1%
Orchestra jokes
6 2%
Music theory jokes
29 12%
Voters: 251.
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#1
Its been a while since the last one, wasnt it?

I'll start it off

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"
"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string."

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "this time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, "hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

"Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!"


What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

I've found a site with some other awesome ones, I'll post alot later.
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave.


Ben Hamelech
#4
Obviously Bassist jokes!

What does a bassist use as contraception?

Personality!!!!
In the bass chat:

<Jon> take the quote of me out your sig plx
<Jon> i hate seeing what i said around lol


Leader of the Bass Militia PM to join!



And now on BANDCAMP!


Officially the funniest member of the Bass Forum.
#5
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise..."
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave.


Ben Hamelech
#7
Quote by Vermintide
What do you call a bassist?


Shit!!!! OLOLOLOLOLOL

/Obligatory bassist joke.


This is so good I don't think I need to monitor the thread any more. Cheers
#9
how did the guitar player get disabled parking?
they put a pair of drumsticks on the dash
#10
how do you know the stage is level?

drool is coming out both sides of the drummer's mouth
Quote by ratracekid111
And the Tax! Dear God! When I only get one virgin a month, I want the whole freakin' thing! The damn government shouldn't be chopping it in half
#11
Quote by DaveM666
how did the guitar player get disabled parking?
they put a pair of drumsticks on the dash


I love the retarded drummer jokes.
Quote by Necrophagist777

I agree, i always help people up. At the last show we all protected this little kid who was tying his shoe in the middle of the pit.


http://www.mylot.com/?ref=Phase3
#12
A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.
The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

-------------

how do you make a bass sound good?
sell it and buy a guitar!

what was the last thing the drummer said b4 gettin kicked outa the band?
"hey guys i wrote a song"

Whats worse than being emo?
being a emo bassist

what are the 3 most difficult years in a bassists life?
second grade

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

whats the most valuble thing a bass player in a band can do that the guitarist cant?
sell his bass for a mini fridge.

Did you hear about the bass player that threw the drummer out of the band?
Seems the drummer de-tuned one of the strings, and wouldn't tell him which one.

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.

What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.
Last edited by fender1618 at Nov 1, 2007,
#13
Quote by punkrock4all
how do you know the stage is level?

drool is coming out both sides of the drummer's mouth

What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

...
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave.


Ben Hamelech
#14
Quote by punkrock4all
how do you know the stage is level?

drool is coming out both sides of the drummer's mouth



I think that the music theory jokes are the best because you actually have to know something to get most of them.
UNLEASH THE FOCKING BURGERS
#15
a drummer goes into a music shop, wanting to take up a new instrument as he is fed up with all the drummer jokes.

he spends an hour looking at all the instruments and finally makes his decision nd goes to the counter and asks for the big red one in the corner

the assistant bursts out laughing, and said "you're a drummer aren't you mate?"

the drummer confused says "yeah, how did you know"

the shop assistant says "cos thats the bloody fire extinguisher"
#16
what do you call a musician with no talent?

a bass player.


that being said, i like playing bass myself... so i apologize to the bass playing community here at UG... but that joke used to make my music teacher laugh.
Quote by Article
She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying "That's yours"

Wii Is For Queers! Co-Founder Of The "We Hate Wii" Club
Return to a Condition of Being...<-Band. Add plz!
#17
Quote by Shredder6


I think that the music theory jokes are the best because you actually have to know something to get most of them.


No, they just mostly suck; they tend to come from elitist theory geeks It's like Mac vs. PC jokes

*nerdy voice*

"What do you call a guitarist who can't sweep pick 16th note major arpeggios at 290 b.p.m???"

Note: There's no punchline. Use "Slow" if you need one.
Last edited by Vermintide at Nov 1, 2007,
#18
bassists are gettin tortured, im glad we are rare therefore anytime anyone needs a bassist i pratically get sucked off, and then the rest of the band arnt laughing.

what do you call a musician with no talent?

A bass player


I dont get it.
#19
Quote by Nutter_101
Obviously Bassist jokes!

What does a bassist use as contraception?

Personality!!!!




Brilliant...brilliant.
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#20
Quote by Vermintide
"What do you call a guitarist who can't sweep pick 16th note major arpeggios at 290 b.p.m???"


I don't know....
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#21
What Did the Drummer Get on his IQ Test?
Drool
Quote by AgentWiggles
Thanks, douche.


Quote by SlayingDragons
Dude...



Gear:
Ibanez SZ 520QM
Ibanez RG 450DXB
Fender Big Apple Stratocaster
Pod XT Live
Peavey XXX Half Stack
Peavey Bandit 112
and a soul of Rock n' Roll
#22
Quote by Vermintide
No, they just mostly suck; they tend to come from elitist theory geeks It's like Mac vs. PC jokes

*nerdy voice*

"What do you call a guitarist who can't sweep pick 16th note major arpeggios at 290 b.p.m???"


a rhythm guitarist?
#23
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three- one to change it, 2 to claim they could have done it faster.
#24
Quote by Vermintide

"What do you call a guitarist who can't sweep pick 16th note major arpeggios at 290 b.p.m???"

Note: There's no punchline. Use "Slow" if you need one.

Too slow?
#25
A classic:

A band goes up on stage for a gig.
Halfway through the set, in the middle of a song, the singer suddenly forgets the lyrics. Not wanting to be embaressed, he asks the guitarist during his solo what the lyrics are.
The guitarist tells him "Man, I don't know. I'm just here, focusing on my awesome solo!"
He goes over to the bassist, and the bassist replies "Dude, how should I know? I'm just here, keeping the bassline...".
The singer, becoming nervous, goes over to the drummer and asks him:
"Hey bro, do you by any chance remember the lyrics?"
"*tun tch tun tch* Lyrics? What song are we playing?"
Dyer's Eve is awesome, and has an abnormally large penis, which doesn't act as any hinderance to his everyday life despite its freakishly large size.
For unrivaled obedience, user King_ofKumbucha is awarded this spot of honor.
#26
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?


A drummer!!! Ba-dom-bom-tsh.
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#27
Quote by fender1618
Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"

Hah, that was good, actually.
I'm a communist. Really.
#28
This isn't an all-the-time joke, but I said something music-related that's funny that only my Choir Teacher got (Obviously I was in Choir)

Anyway...

We're all sitting there, working on a song, when a decently hot Sopranno raised her hand and said "What was the note for the word coming?"

So I naturally said 'Low F#'

Everyone gave me a confused look, but our teacher started laughing his ass off.

/start note questions
When you saw me sleeping
thought I was dreaming
of you...


I didn't tell you
That the only dream
Is Valium for me
#29
Quote by BassistGal
Its been a while since the last one, wasnt it?

I'll start it off

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"
"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string."

Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "this time I learned the first five notes on the A string."

One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, "hey, what happened in today's lesson?"

"Dad, I'm sorry but I couldn't make it to my lesson. I had a gig!"


What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

I've found a site with some other awesome ones, I'll post alot later.

The funny thing is, that kid is my friend.
Own a PS3?
Add me: ILOVECHICKEN
#30
Quote by Nutter_101
Obviously Bassist jokes!

What does a bassist use as contraception?

Personality!!!!


i haven't get that..
#31
What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

I once asked a drummer how to spell "Mississippi".
He said, "the river or the state?"

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#32
Quote by Td_Nights
This isn't an all-the-time joke, but I said something music-related that's funny that only my Choir Teacher got (Obviously I was in Choir)

Anyway...

We're all sitting there, working on a song, when a decently hot Sopranno raised her hand and said "What was the note for the word coming?"

So I naturally said 'Low F#'

Everyone gave me a confused look, but our teacher started laughing his ass off.

/start note questions




You're my hero.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#33
Quote by Nemesis Phenix
i haven't get that..

Its saying bassists have no personality, meaning they will never get laid.
Of course thats not true as bassists get all the girls.
Own a PS3?
Add me: ILOVECHICKEN
#34
Quote by Td_Nights
This isn't an all-the-time joke, but I said something music-related that's funny that only my Choir Teacher got (Obviously I was in Choir)

Anyway...

We're all sitting there, working on a song, when a decently hot Sopranno raised her hand and said "What was the note for the word coming?"

So I naturally said 'Low F#'

Everyone gave me a confused look, but our teacher started laughing his ass off.

/start note questions




Wow, your classmates are retarded for not getting that...
#35
So three musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...
(I deliberately tell that in front of the drummer for my band to piss him off sometimes.)

EDIT:
Just remembered this, stolen from the old thread, but oh well.

How do you make a clarinet player sound good?

Shoot him.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Nov 1, 2007,
#36
how many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, and two guitarists to take the credit.
If music was the food of love I'd be a fat romantic slob.
#37
Quote by zombie_monster


Wow, your classmates are retarded for not getting that...

Yep.

Then again, I'm the only guitarist/bassist in the room.
When you saw me sleeping
thought I was dreaming
of you...


I didn't tell you
That the only dream
Is Valium for me
#38
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, he puts his hand on the bulb and then the world revolves around him.
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#39
Quote by SGK531
How many guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, he puts his hand on the bulb and then the world revolves around him.


Oh I actually love this!
#40
No vocalist jokes yet. I'm waiting for a good one

Edit: I mean ones that try to offend vocalists. I like the choir one though
Quote by Joshrocker48
I like you, as a fellow vocalist I like that you are here on UG and admit to not being a guitarist.
Bravo.




Quote by arsonite
GTFO non-guitarist!


Joke
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