#1
my first song, -- denotes pause

very mellow mood (just keep that in mind whilst reading)


---------------------------------


I often,
think i'm foolish--
sleep with eyes closed--
always seem to stay the same--
no matter how im broken--
need to learn to avoid--
what causes most pain


Marching through life--when i should be dancing
seeing the hypocrites--do the same
If you listen close--you can hear the chanting
that casts--all the blame


I need to,
Break the routine--
that's coddling me--
the constant rythym--
deep inside of me--
Just leave the hope--
i hope will never leave me


Marching through life--when i should be dancing
seeing the hypocrites--do the same
If you listen close--you can hear the chanting
that casts--all the blame


I accept,
we're all filthy people--
in a filthy world--
what we all can accomplish--
won't repair the seams--
with nightmares of anguish--
masked as majestic dreams


Marching through life--when i should be dancing
seeing the hypocrites--do the same
If you listen close--you can hear the chanting
that casts--all the blame


I must,
rearrange myself--
into something new--
something full of pride--
that others can't take--
to deal with what's real--
and vanquish whats fake


-------------------------------

credit to this thread for inspiration
Last edited by thespines at Nov 1, 2007,
#3
all the dashes make it read kind of choppy. line breaks generally denote a pause, so i would suggest taking all the daashes out, and just having line breaks, or some kind of punctuation where you want to pause. it will make it a lot smoother to read.

and the last line of the chorus, i think, is too short. it seems too abrupt of an end. i was having the same problem with my last peice, so i dont really know how to help you with that part...

overall, not bad for a first song. definately keep on writing.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
ill probably do another chorus line, and the -- are longer than normal pauses, it's going to be sung almost like a trance techno song, just without the techno aspect
#5
Yeah, I also was thinking that the -- are longer pauses, if this was doen intentionally, how long are the pauses?