#1
Now I know why its easier to live a lie
When your head is in the clouds, but nowhere near the sky
The proverbial wool has been pulled over my eyes
Don’t tell me what to hate I know what I despise
Stabbed in the back, I’m left lying, bleeding
Archenemy allies turned away and now defeating
This pain I hide, a feeling never fleeting
Depleting the meaning of trust and stuck believing
Manipulate my mind and find that you’ll be left behind
With the same knife that you twisted in my spine
God Help Me!
For I know what I’m doing
This feeling is pursuing
Its deadly and subduing
My hate, my hate
Its how I integrate
My feelings become a danger
When all I know is anger
One step away!
From my betrayal!


right now its only a poem but I'm thinking about adding more. C4C for now.

(this is some of my normal stuff(not like Anti-Hero, i don't know what i was thinking when i wrote that))
When in doubt, sweep it out
#2
thats awesome dude completely awesome...i cant read it without some melody forming in my mind
#3
Quote by Halfmastmutiny


Now I know why its easier to live a lie
When your head is in the clouds, but nowhere near the sky

I feel like we've come into the middle here, like there's no real beginning. We don't know what happened that made you realize why its easier to live a lie while your head is in the clouds. I don't think this is a bad thing, it grabs your reader's attention, but it means that you should eventually go back and explain why. Also, I have a serious problem with "when your head is in the clouds, but nowhere near the sky" because I usually think of clouds as automatically being in the sky. Also, head in the clouds is a cliche.

The proverbial wool has been pulled over my eyes
Don’t tell me what to hate I know what I despise

i really don't like the use of proverbial here, I think you should find another word to modify 'wool.' I think you need a comma after 'hate' as well. And I like the concept of someone telling you what you hate. But I think its redundant when you say you know what you despise. Sure, you might know, that's all good and stuff, but what is the significance of that? I know this sounds nitpicky, but I think content-wise, your piece needs more and its lines like these you should look to replace.

Stabbed in the back, I’m left lying, bleeding
Archenemy allies turned away and now defeating
This pain I hide, a feeling never fleeting
Depleting the meaning of trust and stuck believing

sometimes poets get into this funk where they rhyme lots of 'ing' rhymes. Usually they aren't even really true rhymes, they are slant rhymes. While it may sound good, I don't know,these lines just don't add a whole lot, because automatically, when you rhyme ing, (usually) you have to use words that are exactly the same KIND of word. It takes away from the freedom of your verse, and it really strikes a blow to whatever is in those lines. "Archenemy Allies" is good, though, 'pain I hide" is a cliche, and so is "stabbed in the back"

Manipulate my mind and find that you’ll be left behind
With the same knife that you twisted in my spine

I don't really like the use of the word 'manipulate' here. also, if the knife is still twisted in your spine, how can you leave her behind with it? I think it needs to be reworked, imo. Also, knife-stabbing-in-the-back is a cliche.

God Help Me!
For I know what I’m doing
This feeling is pursuing
Its deadly and subduing
My hate, my hate
Its how I integrate
My feelings become a danger
When all I know is anger
One step away!
From my betrayal!

Some how these rhymes seem forced. my hate, my hate is how I integrate? What are you integrating? your feelings that become danger? I don't think so. Seems very forced... I'd defeinely rework this part.


Well, I hope my critique was helpful in some way. Your main issue is in content. You used many cliches, and a lot of it in here just seemed to be fluff. You need something concrete. Sensory detail always belongs in lyrics and poetry, I think it'd do you some good to get some images in here. Poetry isn't about telling, its about showing.

Regards,
h_e
what comes up comes out
#4
some songs also are purposely vague in some aspects to allow the listener to come up with thier own meaning. it makes it relateable to everyone that way.
When in doubt, sweep it out
#5
Quote by Halfmastmutiny
Now I know why its easier to live a lie
Haunted Engines has a point here, you are opening sort of in media res and maybe it needs more articulation. Keep it subtle, though.

When your head is in the clouds, but nowhere near the sky
I actually liked this line, nowhere near the sky is very clever, and subverts the cliche that is a head in the clouds. Good line imo.

The proverbial wool has been pulled over my eyes
I'm not sure I like "proverbial". It sounds too contrived, and too many cliches can be too much. You dont want to make it feel stagnant.

Don’t tell me what to hate I know what I despise
Reminded me of a Morrisey lyric, but I would have said "Dont tell me what to hate and what to like" perhaps.

Stabbed in the back, I’m left lying, bleeding
Archenemy allies turned away and now defeating
Nice oxymoron, interesting. Arch enemy is two words though.

This pain I hide, a feeling never fleeting
I like never fleeting a lot. Very good line.

Depleting the meaning of trust and stuck believing
Manipulate my mind and find that you’ll be left behind
Again modify the metre, its feels overlong. Good though.

With the same knife that you twisted in my spine
God Help Me!
For I know what I’m doing
This feeling is pursuing
Its deadly and subduing
My hate, my hate
Its how I integrate
My feelings become a danger
When all I know is anger
One step away!
From my betrayal!
I found this last bit quite odd. I think here you digress a lot lyrically, and begin to say things that aren't important, like "Its how I integrate". I think theis is the time to explain a bit more the nature of the events you have so far only really hinted at. I did get a bit of a Julius Caesar thing from it though. Dont know if that's what you had in mind, though.


I liked it, it had good rhythm and the words were mostly inetersting, except where you sunk to cliches. It has a lot of potential, though. Well done.
#7
your very good at ryming, theres some real potential there but its a bit to vague, i know you said u did that so people could find there own meaning in it but sometimes when people are to vague it can actualy make it harder to find your own meaning in it
#8
if you guys want me to explain each line to make it easier to understand just say the word and you'll find my meaning of the song.
When in doubt, sweep it out
#9
Quote by Halfmastmutiny
if you guys want me to explain each line to make it easier to understand just say the word and you'll find my meaning of the song.


The point is you shouldnt have to. And cliches are only a good thing when used originally (in which case they are no longer cliches). The point is if people feel they've heard it before they are not going to enjoy it. There are a million ways of expresing yourself relatably without resorting to cliche.
#10
to be honest, I don't have time to type out a full response, but just a note. If you are putting it up for critique, stop blowing off the critiques because you disagree, you obviously are going to think your piece is good... so when others are showing you what they don't like... stop finding excuses around it. It's one of my pet-peeves.

the piece is pretty decent though... and they're right about the ending seeming forced... it just didn't have the same punch as the rest of the piece.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#11
it might just be me but all i see is negativity so you do what you have to and i'll do what i have to.
When in doubt, sweep it out
#13
Cliches may easily relatable, but the point is, everyone has heard them so many times it doesn't evoke ANY emotion whatsoever. SOMETIMES you can, but in this case you haven't.

and if you post lyrics on a website, you have to be willing to take criticism.
what comes up comes out