#1
just a little thing i got inspired to write whilst looking at stuff on the UG forums.
typical subject: a girl, fear and confusion/frustration about it all. any comment appreciated, expect a return crit

so much s*** running through my brain,
causing sweat and causing pain
it's hard to do, i can't break through
it's a ... vicious circle
it's just my ... vicious circle
how did i ever let you go?
Who decided that pie would be sold on Tuesday but not Wednesday?
#2
Quote by Dunjma
just a little thing i got inspired to write whilst looking at stuff on the UG forums.
typical subject: a girl, fear and confusion/frustration about it all. any comment appreciated, expect a return crit

so much s*** running through my brain,
causing sweat and causing pain
it's hard to do, i can't break through
it's a ... vicious circle
it's just my ... vicious circle
how did i ever let you go?
Typical subject. Typical treatment.

It's not even a vicious circle.
To move in a circle you have to GO somewhere and come back to where you started.
It starts in one place and goes absolutely nowhere.
If you don't give the reader/listener images or action, you will never get them to empathize.
Meadows
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
well i did say it was unfinished.
and the circle refers to the fact that, you find a girl, you think this is the one, but then something happens, it all falls apart and your back to stage one: no girl and heartful of hurt.

edit: can you please explain your statement: typical treatment? i cant fix it if i dont know whats broken.
Who decided that pie would be sold on Tuesday but not Wednesday?
Last edited by Dunjma at Nov 4, 2007,
#4
You must write more. That is way too incomplete to sound like something.

I mean, that could be the chorus, but you must write something to get people into the song...like something telling how did it start