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#1
UG's always been a place for high class humor, and now i need yalls help on how to be funny.

Somehow last year i got the reputation as being a funny man on my wrestling team. I like to consider myself a witty guy around my friends but not after a three hour practice. I was hoping that this year, being an upperclassman and all, that the pressure from my coach to tell jokes would be gone. But its not! I have pratice tonight and everyone is going to be expecting a joke from me. I know that there have been joke threads and all that but please, dont flame me and just give me some funny stuff.


Oh and ive exausted all my rascist jokes so no more of those please.
hey you,
see me,
pictures,
crazy


hard work solves everything (Dan Gable)


shine on you crazy diamond
we miss you Syd
#3
Or how about you get exposed for who you really are and it all ends?
"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, your eyes will get sore after a while."
#4
Racist jokes are the only funny ones.
Real eyes realise real lies.
#5
^ almost +1. But offensive jokes are the funny ones. You live in the south, tell the same racist jokes, they'll laugh.
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#6
I like dead baby jokes.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a dead cat?
- Dead cats don't give me an erection

Whats worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?
- A dead baby cut up and spread over several trashcans

Whats the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?
- I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

I'm going to hell
WTLTL 2011
#7
Hm....

Wanna hear a good joke?
-Women's rights

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
-She was a woman
#10
try this one...


so theres this guy, and he joins the navy

he gets stationed on a ship due to go out to sea for over two years. so he gets all the action he can with his girlfriend before he leaves.
so on the day he's supposed to leave, he kisses his girlfriend goodbye and boards the ship.
but ya know.. damn he's horny...
so after about a week of being on the ship, just him and some guys..
he askes his cabinmate 'what do yall do around here when ur horny as ****?'
the other guy says 'go up the the third deck and theres a barrel with a hole in the side of it, when ur too horny to stand it just go up there and stick ur dick in the hole and it'll be awesome.. trust me'
so he decides to go check it out.
there IS a barrel with a hole in the side.
so he unzips his pants and sticks it in the barrel and zooomg its soo good
so after he's done he goes back to the guy and he goes 'that was amazing.. how often can i use it?' and the other guy says 'anytime you want, exept on thursdays' so the first guy askes 'why not on thursdays?' 'cause' says the other dude 'on thursdays its YOUR turn in the barrel'
Jesus wouldn't give you the sweat off of his balls if you were dying of thirst.
Quote by Code-E
God, you've gotta be UG's only moron!


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that's right,you certainly are UG's only moron.


Quote by necrosis1193
Read the moron's posts, ironically enough he knows what he says.
#11
Quote by floydman_4140
Oh and ive exausted all my rascist jokes so no more of those please.


* I've

* exhausted

* racist

*fixed*


Maybe you make up a joke about losers, racism, and the inability to spell correctly?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
Why is the thread title boobies?
Peace n' love
I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People living in competition, all I want is to have my peace of mind- Boston

CLASS OF 2008!!!!!!!

Member of UG's Christian Guitarists
#13
Quote by Mark G
I like dead baby jokes.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a dead cat?
- Dead cats don't give me an erection

Whats worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?
- A dead baby cut up and spread over several trashcans

Whats the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?
- I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

I'm going to hell


Whats the difference between a "pile of dead babies" and a Ferrari?

"I Don't have a ferrari and my garage!"
Gear:

Gibson Les Paul Standard Goldtop 50's Neck
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#14
go here

http://www.sickipedia.org/index.php

you shoul find something there

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When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#15
Quote by Anfieldsam
Whats the difference between a "pile of dead babies" and a Ferrari?

"I Don't have a ferrari and my garage!"


Thats not how I heard it....meh I bet there are a thousand versions.

What turns from pink to red, and decreases in size rapidly?
- A baby in a blender

Oh heres a racist one:

How many jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 4 in the back, 30,000 in the ashtray.
WTLTL 2011
#16
So a middle aged woman decides that she is getting old and wants a husband. She puts an ad in the newspaper that reads: seeking a man who will love me forever and will never run away, and who is also a great lover.
So one day her doorbell rings. She opens it to find a limbless man in a wheelchair. He tells her that he will love her forever b/c he has plenty of love to give. He also tells her that he cannot leave her b/c he can't get very far. The woman then asks, "what about the lovemaking?"
He replied,
"how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
If you see me in the pit, know that I'm only there because the metal forum is moving slowly.
Quote by Sn^ke

i think nebarskan is a cool guy, eh wears a nile and doesnt afraid of anything


Quote by stanleybach
Aren't you proud to wear that Nile? You don't afraid of anything man!
#17
Quote by Jaypack44
Why is the thread title boobies?


i dont know, but if it wasn't, i wouldn't be here...
יהוה


[][]
/ \


Quote by sinisa

How about actually doing something rather than asking everyone here questions?
#18
Quote by bearded_monkey
You can never run out of racist jokes


This is true.

You recycle old ones by changing the race involved. Easy to do, and ensures that a joke will never get old.

Just be clever with it and keep to stereotypes within reason.

However, you could also change "African" to "Ethiopian". That way, when the Ethiopian joke gets old, you have a choice of about 40 African countries to replace it with. And when they all get exhausted, you start from the beginning again.

For the record, I'm not racist, I'm just being logical here.
#19
Quote by floydman_4140



Oh and ive exausted all my rascist jokes so no more of those please.



dude, not cool.


oh wait, you're from Tennessee. nevermind.


try this: Womens rights
#20
Why did the girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms or legs
Quote by Cpt.Jackass
Nobody sig me or i'll kick your ass.
#21
Quote by Deliriumbassist
For the record, I'm not racist, I'm just being logical here.




Yeah, besides, once you get through all the countries, chances are there will be new countries, jokes, or everyone you've already told the jokes to will be dead.

No problems
In the bass chat:

<Jon> take the quote of me out your sig plx
<Jon> i hate seeing what i said around lol


Leader of the Bass Militia PM to join!



And now on BANDCAMP!


Officially the funniest member of the Bass Forum.
#22
So WTF?

Where are the boobies man?
This has nothing to do with boobies.

THIS IS BULL****!. >=[
͏͏͏
۩۩۩۩۩۩۩Ƒyre Ðeity۩۩۩۩۩۩۩

Quote by Here_is_no_why

"Hey Mike, did your mom have a C section when she gave birth to you? Because I wanna make sure she's tight before I bang her."
#23
Quote by kadinh
i dont know, but if it wasn't, i wouldn't be here...

Snap.

My freind was considering suicide, so i pushed him in front of a steam train.
he was chuffed to bits. After i did that i went home and found out that A blind prostitute just moved into my street - you've gotta hand it to her...
#24
A plane gets damaged during flight and won't be able to land unless they lose some weight, so after throwing all the luggage off, the racist captain announces over the speakers that he has told the cabin crew to throw people off in alphabetical order according to race, and first will be Africans and African-Americans.

A little boy turns to his father after the announcement and asks "But Daddy, aren't we African-American?". His father replies "No son, today we're niggers, and those fucking Mexicans are getting off first."


Please don't ban or report me for racism, it's a matter of context. I'm not truly racist, just joking. Kthxkl.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#25
K here is my best racist jk (no offence any of my homies)

Hurricane Katrina made noticable in USA...
Their was the guys breaking into the liqours cabients and such
well people try to keep it hidden that is there is proverty in usa...
the thing about is that poverty in america looks like

Black people

don't ban me for this

It just a jk
Quote by neopowell
Killing yourself seems like the only simple solution.
#26
Tell Madeline McCann jokes!!! I love 'em, even though everyone will say "You tight bastard!!"

Oh well...

Did you hear about the new range of car's Renault are doing, it's really good for taking your kids on holiday, although it's so big you might lose one. It's called the Renualt McCann.
Cam Sampbell's my hero
#27
What's the difference between you and Maddy?

You'll die a virgin.
Quote by lizarday
oh yeah? well larry king the slayer guitarist owns bc rich guitars. (i think)
#28
Quote by Jaypack44
Why is the thread title boobies?


Dude, who doesn't love boobies?!

Yeah, like everyone said, tell racist jokes. As long as you're joking , it's okay. For example:

Ever had Ethiopian food?
-Neither have they.

It's easy!
Quote by Trefellin
You know a music scene is fucked up when it becomes difficult to keep track of who killed who, who committed suicide and who alledgedly engaged in cannibalism.

LastFM
#29
How Moses got the ten commandments;


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
#30
Quote by evilgerbil666
Hm....

Wanna hear a good joke?
-Women's rights



Hahaha, this kid in my study hall said that to the teacher, who's a girl.
Whitest Kid U' Know of the Bass Militia
PM Dinky Daisy to join


Originally posted by Civildp1
I can't drink tequila anymore. it makes me do terrible things. Terrible naked things.
#31
^ to Alix_D
Reminds me of this:

A Reverend, a Rabbi, and a Sheikh (Muslim priest, for those who don't know) have all been donated some money, and they're deciding how much to give to the Church (EDIT: or synagogue, or mosque) and how much to keep for themselves.

The Reverend draws a circle on the ground, throws the money into the air, and says "Whatever lands in the circle, Christ can keep." The Sheikh then steps up, throws the money in the air and says "Whatever lands in the circle, Allah can keep." The Rabbi then goes over to the circle, throws the money in the air and says "Whatever God catches, he can keep."
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Nov 2, 2007,
#32
Quote by break-me-in
^ to Alix_D
Reminds me of this:

A Reverend, a Rabbi, and a Sheikh (Muslim priest, for those who don't know) have all been donated some money, and they're deciding how much to give to the Church and how much to keep for themselves.

The Reverend draws a circle on the ground, throws the money into the air, and says "Whatever lands in the circle, Christ can keep." The Sheikh then steps up, throws the money in the air and says "Whatever lands in the circle, Allah can keep." The Rabbi then goes over to the circle, throws the money in the air and says "Whatever God catches, he can keep."


#34
Quote by Twist of fate
hahahaha 600+ views


And they're not giving us any jokes? BASTARDS. Well, better keep the thread alive:

A priest goes golfing with one of his atheist friends. They begin the game and they're both having a fairly good game, then the atheist completely messes up one shot, and shouts
"OH MY GOD HOW DID I MISS THAT GODDAMNED SHOT?!". The priest turns to him and says
"Look, I know you don't subscribe to my religion, and I respect that, but please could you try and not blaspheme at least just for the afternoon?"
"Oh yeah, sorry man, I was just a bit frustrated and I completely forgot. I'll try and tone down the language a bit." So the priest thanks him and the game continues. Later on, when the atheist is on a roll, he misses another shot and shouts "JESUS CHRIST I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THAT!" Again, the priest asks if he would kindly refrain from blasphemy. The atheist apologises. The game carries on.

Towards the end, it's turned out to be a pretty tight round of golf, and the atheist really needs his next shot. Again, he misses, and shouts "Jesus Christ I missed!" The priest gets angry at him this time and says
"Look, I asked you nicely, but you just won't stop, will you? Shut up, ok?", to which the atheist retorts "Oh c'mon, if God were so pissed, he'd smite me down." All of a sudden, there is a freak lightning bolt from the clear, blue, cloudless skies and the preist is struck down. The atheist shouts "What the fuck?!" and the heavens erupt with a voice which booms "JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#35
Quote by floydman_4140
UG's always been a place for high class humor, and now i need yalls help on how to be funny.

Somehow last year i got the reputation as being a funny man on my wrestling team. I like to consider myself a witty guy around my friends but not after a three hour practice. I was hoping that this year, being an upperclassman and all, that the pressure from my coach to tell jokes would be gone. But its not! I have pratice tonight and everyone is going to be expecting a joke from me. I know that there have been joke threads and all that but please, dont flame me and just give me some funny stuff.


Oh and ive exausted all my rascist jokes so no more of those please.

Wow....


Just wow.
#36
i know a diffeent version of that last one
The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
#37
Quote by schecter_guy
break someone's neck.

nobody will ever bug you to be funny ever again.


FTW!!!!
My main rig:
Schecter C-1 Classic
B.C. Rich Mockingbird NJ Neck-thru
LTD M-300
Peavey 5150 II
Randall RS412XL

Greatest thread ever.
#39
Quote by break-me-in
And they're not giving us any jokes? BASTARDS. Well, better keep the thread alive:

A priest goes golfing with one of his atheist friends. They begin the game and they're both having a fairly good game, then the atheist completely messes up one shot, and shouts
"OH MY GOD HOW DID I MISS THAT GODDAMNED SHOT?!". The priest turns to him and says
"Look, I know you don't subscribe to my religion, and I respect that, but please could you try and not blaspheme at least just for the afternoon?"
"Oh yeah, sorry man, I was just a bit frustrated and I completely forgot. I'll try and tone down the language a bit." So the priest thanks him and the game continues. Later on, when the atheist is on a roll, he misses another shot and shouts "JESUS CHRIST I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THAT!" Again, the priest asks if he would kindly refrain from blasphemy. The atheist apologises. The game carries on.

Towards the end, it's turned out to be a pretty tight round of golf, and the atheist really needs his next shot. Again, he misses, and shouts "Jesus Christ I missed!" The priest gets angry at him this time and says
"Look, I asked you nicely, but you just won't stop, will you? Shut up, ok?", to which the atheist retorts "Oh c'mon, if God were so pissed, he'd smite me down." All of a sudden, there is a freak lightning bolt from the clear, blue, cloudless skies and the preist is struck down. The atheist shouts "What the fuck?!" and the heavens erupt with a voice which booms "JESUS CHRIST I MISSED!"


Atheists FTW
͏͏͏
۩۩۩۩۩۩۩Ƒyre Ðeity۩۩۩۩۩۩۩

Quote by Here_is_no_why

"Hey Mike, did your mom have a C section when she gave birth to you? Because I wanna make sure she's tight before I bang her."
#40
stereotype jokes are the funniest.
Quote by akack
We beat you 6-0 you stupid mother ****er.


"Nobody likes an unkempt shrubbery - The monty Python appreciation society"
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