#1
One of the songs I wrote while in New York (hence the title) Its pretty sketchy, anyway, see what you think...

The wind is blowing, the sky is dark
They sit together in the park
I watch in the eye of my mind
With bitter empathy
Tommorow morning Ill lock the door
Walk by the cafe youre workin' for
And ill time it just right
So your shift is on
Then Ill walk down to the record store
And flip through lovesongs like before
Just like we used to do
And your smile...
Ill leave without buying anything
Their forlorn words seem trite and strange
A miiror of a wound, somehow painless.

And Ill drift with a hollow refrain
To the subway, where a train awaits
Im not on it anymore
Im a busker on the platform
Singing songs of loss
that no-one cares to know

And the motion rocks me tendrly
With my guitar sat by my knee
I'll survey my company
On this lonely carousel
And I wont get off for quite some time
I'll wait untill the end of line
I just need something to fill the day
And it'll get dark on the street again
Ther city skyline's like a friend
I sit on the pier for a while
And think of nothing
Then I'll get into my run down car
And drive untill I feel the stars
That coldness rushing in
Its crushing me
And Ill drive down to the darkest low
To seek the piece that I am owed
Or maybe I just dont have the guts
I guess not

And its not like Ive never been alone
I have time to reconstruct my broken home
I forget about tomorrow
its a vision I dont need
As I erase your number from my phone
#2
Hmm I liked it. It actually took me about 2 or 3 reads to get the whole image in my head.
Some little mistakes here and there , maybe intentional i'm not sure but parts like.

And the motion rocks me tendrly- present
With my guitar sat( sits) by my knee- past

just little things like that and words you could look over.

The first two stanzas I liked alot and the first to lines are just a brilliant way to set the rest of piece up.

"Ther city skyline's like a friend" = the city skline's like a friend

The rest of the poem is just really good in flow and choice of words. I feel like a story is being told. I do hope other people seriously read it. It's hard to make long stuff good but i think you did it quite well.

Sorry the crits all jambled up but thanks for critting mine..
Smile alot today... okay?
#3
Thanks man! Most of the mistakes were just symptoms of sloppy typing. I copied it from my notepad rather hastily when I got back, lest I lose the pad. Thanks for pointing out the tense change, I wouldne have noticed that.

I wrote it after hearing the first few lines of "Simple Twist of Fate" by Bob Dylan in a record store in New York, I came up with the first few lines and wrote the rest on the subway. Hence the images.
#4
wow i rarely tie things up like that. Leave it to dylan for inspiration. By the way don't be afraid to Pm if you write new stuff alot of good pieces get ignored because people don't bother to think and read at the same time
Smile alot today... okay?
#5
Haha exactly. I do enjoy bright eyes I learned alot of his songs. I love dylan and jeff buckley is who i try to imitate vocally. If our chat end up taking up the forum my aim is acts8893 I learned alot about writting from people i don't know in real life since it's easier for me to open up I guess. By the way have you done any covers or originals?
Smile alot today... okay?
#6
I havent done any recordings full stop! I'm only seventeen. I cant afford it! But I did just PM you with the song I just wrote, so maybe you'd like to read that.
Btw, Buckley? Hard voice to imitate, man! (you do a pretty good job though, I have to say!)
#7
Quote by Cacophonaut
I havent done any recordings full stop! I'm only seventeen. I cant afford it! But I did just PM you with the song I just wrote, so maybe you'd like to read that.
Btw, Buckley? Hard voice to imitate, man! (you do a pretty good job though, I have to say!)

$20 dollar radio shack mic, $3 1/4-1/8" jack, download audacity and your all set dude.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
I liked it, a lot. Some really great phrases and imaes in it.

The 2 shorter stanzas are great imo, especially the first, great cohice of words. And for quite a long song you've done well to keep it original, it never seems monotonous. Good work!

Id like to hear it recorded, you should give it a shot... what the guy above me said^. Cheers for critting mine
#10
i commented on your first song in your list, but i hadn't seen the list at first. i saw it afterwards, and just read all your songs. you have a lot of talent, you have a great way of wording things in a way that is simple and intelligent simultaneously. I think that if you kept writing, you could create some true gems, not to demean your current work, which i like, but if you get recorded and heard, you would easily become popular, at least with songwriting, i am not sure how you play or sing. keep up the work and i am looking forward to more
#11
Quote by Cacophonaut
One of the songs I wrote while in New York (hence the title) Its pretty sketchy, anyway, see what you think...

The wind is blowing, the sky is dark
They sit together in the park *in Central Park maybe?
I watch in the eye of my mind
With bitter empathy
Tommorow morning Ill lock the door
Walk by the cafe youre workin' for
And ill time it just right
So your shift is on
Then Ill walk down to the record store
And flip through lovesongs like before
Just like we used to do
And your smile...
Absolutly LOVED the lines in blue
Ill leave without buying anything
Their forlorn words seem trite and strange
A miiror of a wound, somehow painless.

And Ill drift with a hollow refrain
To the subway, where a train awaits
Im not on it anymore
Im a busker on the platform
Singing songs of loss
that no-one cares to know Maybe make this a hook and have some rymes?

And the motion rocks me tendrly
With my guitar sat by my knee
I'll survey my company
On this lonely carousel
And I wont get off for quite some time
I'll wait untill the end of line
I just need something to fill the day
And it'll get dark on the street again
Ther city skyline's like a friend *Id have it as just "the skyline is my friend"
I sit on the pier for a while
And think of nothing
Then I'll get into my run down car
And drive untill I feel the stars
That coldness rushing in
Its crushing me
And Ill drive down to the darkest low
To seek the piece that I am owed
Or maybe I just dont have the guts
I guess not

And its not like Ive never been alone
I have time to reconstruct my broken home
I forget about tomorrow
its a vision I dont need
As I erase your number from my phone


The ending seems a little under dramatic,
but i cant decide whether that is good or not.
Overall i really like all of these lyrics.
The meaning really hits me and i know where your coming from.
Great work mate.

Crit my latest?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=802144