#1
lady in a black dress
stands with a martini
she's a wallflower
watching everyone dance

guys can't approach her
she's too interlectual
whilst they like Hard-fi
she likes Vivaldi
infact they can't even see her

she doesn't even know
why is she at this party
till she spots him
across the bar
drinking red wine
casually reading
Emmanual Kant

She walks over to him
her breath is light as she walks

a sudden flash
a trip
a fall and
she passes into the bar
straight through onto the otherside
she pulls herself up
only to see the man is gone

and she's alone in a room she doesn't want to be in and cannot leave.
#2
Quote by Draken
lady in a black dress
stands with a martini
she's a wallflower
watching everyone dance

you set the scene here nicely, but i didnt like the third line. wallflower sounded sooo out of place to me. maybe try to come up with a better word or another image. it's pretty standard writing, nothing really stands out to me, but a good start.

guys can't approach her
she's too interlectual
whilst they like Hard-fi
she likes Vivaldi
infact they can't even see her

interlectual? intellectual. i thought this was pretty clumsy. the last line ruined it for me, it was way too bland and ruined the flow for me. i like how you make her intellectual/like vivaldi. first line was also a bit bland maybe, i'd change it but it's up to you, of course.

she doesn't even know
why is she at this party
till she spots him
across the bar
drinking red wine
casually reading
Emmanual Kant

Immanuel first three lines didn't really stand out to me but they work. you slipped a lot of hipster bull**** in the last three lines, but hey, who doesn't nowadays. if anything, i could relate to those last three lines so that's a good thing

She walks over to him
her breath is light as she walks

a sudden flash
a trip
a fall and
she passes into the bar
straight through onto the otherside
she pulls herself up
only to see the man is gone

and she's alone in a room she doesn't want to be in and cannot leave.

i like how you ended it. this reminded me a lot of bukowski's writing and it was a good ending for a piece thaat i did enjoy, but did not really like. if that makes sense.



can you do mine, luke?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=704401

thanks


j.
#3
you where telling a story too much i think. in my humble opinion it needs more metaphors to make it a little more interesting, but it does have potential. i assume you have an idea for the melody but just reading it, i couldnt feel any flow. just my opinion, i dont know how you have it planned.

crit mine?
Who decided that pie would be sold on Tuesday but not Wednesday?