#1
Myspace.com/altruisticmusic
( 4th song)

Crit 4 Crit. Heres an acoustic song I wrote. The reason i',m posting this in the s&w forum is because the lyrics are what i want to get crit more on. The music is there for you to listen and enjoy ( hopefully)

You woke me up in the morning
Broke me away from all my dreams
Fixed me up for all of your boring friends to see
And my living room turned into a courthouse
With my conscious as a judge
All I had on was those sleeves that covered up my broken heart
And I knew it wasn’t enough
But how I love the way your cheeks glow when you’re ashamed
The blank reflection in your eyes show everyone how much you gave to me
And you out of everyone should know that people have their flaws
But if you let yourself get mesmerized by them all you’re bound to try and cover
up
The strings and stitched your curved and ridged never seamless skin
And we’ll never find the person we thought we loved to begin with
Too busy running in and out of your eye lines and hiding in fragile rib cages.
So you put me to sleep the next morning after another sleepless night
And you put everything I owned in the bags under my eyes
Put the hotel sheets all over me and the jury felt inclined
To tell me that were better off our separate ways
There she goes
Cheeks glowing bright
Smile alot today... okay?
#2
I's love to crit this but I really cant find that any flaws with it. I would say perhaps change "morning" to a more interesting time of day, everyone wakes in the morning. If she woke you in the afternoon it suggests irregularty.
And whet do you mean by "conscious" because it doesnt make grammatical sense. Maybe change it to consciousness, or conscience.
Other than that I cant offer much constructive critiscism other than if it is intended as a lyric why is there no rhyme (but I know its not unintentional, so I imagine there is a purpose) And to say that I particularly liked the "sleeves that covered up my broken heart" image. The allusion to wearing you heart on your sleeve is great and cancelled out the cliche-ness of a broken heart.
Overall a bloody good poem. Perhaps others will have more luck crit'ing it. Also perhaps you could crit mine...New York Blues?
#3
Thanks ^^ if you listen to the song you will see the lyrics work and ryhme at the appropriate time. The changes you suggested made perfect sense so I might edit it later. I'll crit yours now
Smile alot today... okay?
#4
Yeah, I heard it. I really like the way you compress lines without detracting from the weight of the lyrics. I take it you're a Bright Eyes fan by your First Day of My Life cover? I'm getting the impression such lyricists are rare on this site. It seems to be full of metalheads.
#5
You woke me up in the morning
Broke me away from all my dreams

Generally I would say that this is a too boring and generic start - but for the meaning it holds within the piece I don't really see it as a problem, it just starts the song of on a not so original note.

Fixed me up for all of your boring friends to see
And my living room turned into a courthouse
With my conscious as a judge

As Cacophanaut said, the 'conscious' should really be 'conscience' I think. I don't know if it should be your conscience that is the judge though.... I'd prefer if it was her conscience - I mean, she is the one screwing with you, not the other way round, so shouldn't she be struggling with issues of conscience more than you? Idk... perhaps by perception of this is all wrong.

All I had on was those sleeves that covered up my broken heart
And I knew it wasn’t enough

I don't really like this that much. I'm not sure I quite understand how a sleeve can cover up a broken heart.

But how I love the way your cheeks glow when you’re ashamed
The blank reflection in your eyes show everyone how much you gave to me

Brilliant two lines. It's probably just me, but the last line seems to imply that she really gave nothing to you at all, i'm probably way off though.

And you out of everyone should know that people have their flaws
But if you let yourself get mesmerized by them all you’re bound to try and cover
up
The strings and stitched your curved and ridged never seamless skin
And we’ll never find the person we thought we loved to begin with

Love the subtle rhymes and use of adjectives. This piece really picks up as it goes along.

Too busy running in and out of your eye lines and hiding in fragile rib cages.

'fragile rib cages' doesn't work for me. it's the only part of the piece that seems forced.

So you put me to sleep the next morning after another sleepless night
And you put everything I owned in the bags under my eyes
Put the hotel sheets all over me and the jury felt inclined
To tell me that were better off our separate ways
There she goes
Cheeks glowing bright

Brilliant ending.


Probably ignore the conscience part I mentioned, I can sort of see how it works now, although it still just reads awkwardly to me. Anyway, great piece, I'll check out the music for it now.

Crit mine? Waxman and the Museum of Wicks... first page near the top. Cheers.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.