#1
I think this is my most abstract writing as of yet... perhaps it's too abstract. i'll just say that this is about worshipping false idols for the most part... but it's also about how we always want to blame, yet we never want to look to the source of the problem.

Crit for Crit, as always.


Waxman and the Museum of Wicks

the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures caricatured
on pin-up perceptions.

we place feathers under
candle kings like we place the
madcap over the face
of a newly crowned widow and
her faded red finger-painted dress.
even though the children
can’t fashion pieces so full of
unabashed emotion we’re happy
to force smiles and label them modern Picassos
anyway. and then we wonder why the
walls end up painted in blood.

chickens have feathers.

ironic? probably not.


O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Nov 4, 2007,
#2
"the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures caricatured
on canvassed perceptions."

Okay, i'm getting the image here maybe trying to hard to be abstract. But still I can undertand it and appreciate it.


"we place feathers under
candle kings like we place the
madcap over the face
of a newly crowned widow"
I can't put my finger on where the feather comes on on buy candle kings i thought the whole catholic thing with mary and jesus candles? Or maybe reffering back to the waxmen... okay this is making more sense


"and
her faded red finger-painted dress.
even though the children
can’t fashion pieces so full of
unabashed emotion"
More story telling here I like it but it's open to interpretation.

we’re happy
to force smiles and label them modern Picassos
anyway. and then we wonder why the
walls end up painted in blood.

chickens have feathers.

ironic? probably not.

I'm slowly understanding this and I keep thinking i'm in your head loooking at everything over and over again.

I liked it could be worded diffrently for 14yr old morons like myself.

Anywyas thanks for the crit and I hope i explained my thoughts on urs
Smile alot today... okay?
#3
Quote by Snowblind 911
I think this is my most abstract writing as of yet... perhaps it's too abstract. i'll just say that this is about worshipping false idols for the most part... but it's also about how we always want to blame, yet we never want to look to the source of the problem.

Crit for Crit, as always.


Waxman and the Museum of Wicks

the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures caricatured
on canvassed perceptions.

we place feathers under
candle kings like we place the
madcap over the face
of a newly crowned widow and
her faded red finger-painted dress.
even though the children
can’t fashion pieces so full of
unabashed emotion we’re happy
to force smiles and label them modern Picassos
anyway. and then we wonder why the
walls end up painted in blood.

chickens have feathers.

ironic? probably not.





Snowblind, I love you.

Your descriptions are seriously, seriously lovely.

The first part is beautiful, I'm a huge fan of the flawless aching smiles, it really hits the reader. The entire thing read as a dim still-life being painted. Static; in conjunction with the title it feels like close observation and no interference.

So the next part I like because of the mention of art/modern Picassos, it goes well with the title and then the horrific effects of useless praise (I assume this is the source of the problem you addressed in your heading) are made quite clear. The blood is out of place and shocking for that reason, I assume this is intentional

Your handle on language is so refreshing, I enjoy your writing so much that I can't even start thinking about meaning for a second because I'm still going on the descriptions and wordings.

I'm not really sure about the ending tbh, I liked the 'ironic? probably not' phrase but the chickens have feathers, threw off the whole thing for me. I rediscover the first mention of feathers, but I still have difficulty tying the two together without putting a disturbing image of a flappy burning chicken in my head. I really might be missing the whole thing and I'm afraid that it's a crucial part of the writing, and I've just idiotically gone on about how much I liked it. Explain?
#4
Aw, thanks.

The chickens have feathers line - By saying that we put feathers under candle kings is sort of saying that we are putting these false idols on a perch or treating them like well... kings - the feathers are put under them so that they are comfortable and whatnot.

So the last line is saying that chickens have feathers. if you take the double meaning of chicken to mean coward, then it means that we are cowards for worshipping these 'candle kings' [and placing 'feathers' under them. we are told what to like, what is good, what is bad, we are told who to look up to and who is better than us. most people go along with what they are told to look up to - too scared to step back and say, hey, you're not that brilliant after all.

Something along those lines... my mind is a mess atm... i'll try and clarify it more later if you want me to, i just can't think straight right now for some reason.

Thanks again
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#5
Ohohohoh I see.

I guess in my mind I inverted it cause I thought of the flame under the chicken I see where the confusion stemmed from haha.

I've noticed from your pieces that although I enjoy the writing, every line is full of meaning but the underlying purpose seems disjointed to me. I wonder if there are weak connections or if I'm just stupid. More on that later I guess carry on.
#6
It's not that abstratc and upto some extent everyone will have same meaning . the description and use of words was pretty nice and refreshing . the whole chicken bit in the end threw me off a little bit . But i have an idea of what u are talking about . The sarcasm like tone in the end probably worked for you . Overall it was really refrshing . I'll see u around

Hi
#7
Waxman and the Museum of Wicks

the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures caricatured
on pin-up perceptions.
I really like this stanza. Love the alliteration.

we place feathers under
candle kings like we place the
madcap over the face
of a newly crowned widow and
her faded red finger-painted dress.
This is a very nice comparison. It just seems to go on for longer than it should in my opinion.
even though the children
can’t fashion pieces so full of
unabashed emotion we’re happy
to force smiles and label them modern Picassos
Love this. Your vocabulary is amazing throughout the piece.
anyway. and then we wonder why the
walls end up painted in blood.
Painted in blood...????? I would take that out, doesn't really fit in my opinion.

chickens have feathers.

ironic? probably not.
And of course, your usual comparison to animals at the end. Love it.


Good stuff man. keep it up.
thanks for the crit on mine
#8
the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures caricatured
on pin-up perceptions.

Good start. I think the last two lines could be worded a bit differently. For example... "the caricature of picture perfect postures on pin-up perceptions." To me that flows better and carries the alliteration through.

we place feathers under
candle kings like we place the
madcap over the face
of a newly crowned widow and
her faded red finger-painted dress.
even though the children
can’t fashion pieces so full of
unabashed emotion we’re happy
to force smiles and label them modern Picassos
anyway. and then we wonder why the
walls end up painted in blood.

Nice rhyming in line 5. I like the idea behind your second sentence here. My only complaint is the last sentence. It feels incredibly unoriginal compared to the rest of the piece. Especially the whole "wondering why" thing. It's way over-used in poetry, though I'm sure I've used it myself. But anyways, I'm sure there's another way you can express that thought other than using blood on walls.

chickens have feathers.

ironic? probably not.

Nothing to say about this.

So yeah I liked this. Probably the best I've seen from you. No huge issues with it, but I think those couple things I mentioned could make it that much better.

Nice work.

As for a return crit, check out the second link in my sig. But if it's too old then don't worry about it. I don't remember when it was posted. Thanks.

EDIT: Okay I just posted a new one. Not in my sig yet, but should be on the first page somewhere.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Nov 5, 2007,
#9
Really liked this. I wouldn't say it was incredibly abstract - just good 'ole 'properly poetic' that's all (which is of course a very good thing)

The imagery of feathers + chicken is, although shrouded in meaning, very poigniant and when we reach the moment of realisation at the end it gives the effect of everything clicking into place

the subject matter is a topic i've written on myself previously and therfore understand your position exactly.

I like the compostion too although if I had written it the first stanza would proabably be arranged like this:


the pretty waxmen
and their flawless, aching smiles.
picture perfect postures
caricatured on 
pin-up perceptions.


sorrounding the line 'caricatured on' with a line of alliteration on either side to encapsualte the 'surrounded' feeling that there is. Obviously you've done the rest very well though so there's proabably a better reason that you didn't :p

Will be on the look out for more of your stuff now hehe

Thanks for the crit

Ollie
#11
It looks terrible if it isn't centred. And as Jamie [jammydude] once said to me [or something along these lines] the way a poem looks is just as important as how it reads.

meh.

edit: and Oh My God.

this is so awesome... what an honour.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Nov 8, 2007,
#12
Quote by #1 synth
Dont center it unless there is an incredibly pressing reason to do so.


this is a bizzare comment. people can present their poetry however they like, be it for reasons of meaning or aesthetics. i know how you love to be critical, but c'mon....
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#13
meh, alright, I guess its just personal opinion. Didnt mean to be so forceful about it, I was tired .

But, still, to me centering it comes off as you concealing something, such as a weakness in the piece, by altering where the center of focus on the page is and making it look centered just for the hell of being centered. Also, to me it makes it look unnecessarily artsy, just there to raise your ethos and pretend your piece is something its not, if that makes sense.

But Gurgle's right. Your piece, do what you want. And 'gratz on the WotW
#14
Quote by #1 synth
meh, alright, I guess its just personal opinion. Didnt mean to be so forceful about it, I was tired .

But, still, to me centering it comes off as you concealing something, such as a weakness in the piece, by altering where the center of focus on the page is and making it look centered just for the hell of being centered. Also, to me it makes it look unnecessarily artsy, just there to raise your ethos and pretend your piece is something its not, if that makes sense.

But Gurgle's right. Your piece, do what you want. And 'gratz on the WotW


well, i guess, but in this case, i think the piece does look better centred. so why not centre it? aesthetics matter.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#15
yeah, this didn't sit well with me

i guess my personal preference for poetry
is poetry to feel
as opposed to figure out

edit: uncalled for
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Nov 9, 2007,
#16
Agreed. Aesthetics matter quite a bit. However, I just feel that the "aesthetics" here overshadow the content more than it deserves, which is where we differ.

Oh, and the 'gratz wasnt as sarcastic as it sounded in the other post, I forgot to put the smilie face at the end... so, here,
#17
Quote by punchupatatigge
yeah, this didn't sit well with me

i guess my personal preference for poetry
is poetry to feel
as opposed to figure out

edit: uncalled for



For the most part, I agree.

This was just something different from how I normally write... It was a topic that emotionally I can't really put into words, so I wrote it in more of a sarcastic, double-meaning sort of way.

oh, and it strikes me strange how people always like a piece until it's WoTW, then no one crits it, and people just end up arguing over random things. There are a few exceptions, but from what i've seen, this happens a lot.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#18
Quote by Snowblind 911
For the most part, I agree.

This was just something different from how I normally write... It was a topic that emotionally I can't really put into words, so I wrote it in more of a sarcastic, double-meaning sort of way.

oh, and it strikes me strange how people always like a piece until it's WoTW, then no one crits it, and people just end up arguing over random things. There are a few exceptions, but from what i've seen, this happens a lot.


the trouble is, the second something becomes WOTW people do feel the need to point out minor flaws. which is good in a way i guess, it stops the WOTW thing going to people's heads or whatever... but i dunno. personally, i think having a wotw is a bit... strange.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#19
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
the trouble is, the second something becomes WOTW people do feel the need to point out minor flaws. which is good in a way i guess, it stops the WOTW thing going to people's heads or whatever... but i dunno. personally, i think having a wotw is a bit... strange.


Don't see why. Just shows who had one of the most solid piece of writing in the week.


Grats Snowblind...
#20
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
the trouble is, the second something becomes WOTW people do feel the need to point out minor flaws. which is good in a way i guess, it stops the WOTW thing going to people's heads or whatever... but i dunno. personally, i think having a wotw is a bit... strange.


I can understand. Not many of our threads get sticky.
Hi
#21
Quote by Gurgle!Argh!
the trouble is, the second something becomes WOTW people do feel the need to point out minor flaws. which is good in a way i guess, it stops the WOTW thing going to people's heads or whatever... but i dunno. personally, i think having a wotw is a bit... strange.


Since everyone else is quoting that, I thought I should too.

But personally I think everyone is looking into it too much. WotW is just a piece each week that was above average and enjoyed by most... simple as that. It's to provide a sense of satisfaction and an example to others.