#1
I wrote this like, right now, inspired by Sumthing Catchy's compression of lines in Glow (which I really liked btw) See what you think.

There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I dont care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm

I stumble down the road in blissful ignorance
A daze-like trance enclosing me
In a world that's all our own
No bitterness can enter here
Its is crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved
Last edited by Cacophonaut at Nov 7, 2007,
#2
Dude, how do you write so damn much? haha

I guess me being 3 years younger than you leaves you with alot more to draw from.
If you get the chance watch jeff buckleys video " so real" I imagined that in my head when i read this. You do a good job of leaving the piece feel like a story told. Something I struggle with. Good job . By the way i never received your Pm
Smile alot today... okay?
#3
Aww thanks man. Youre an impressive lyricist for fourteen. I imagined you as being older from your writing style, which is quite mature. But youre right, experience does count towards good writing. I wrote this one about the other day when I had to leave my girlfriend's house in a hurry cos her mum would be pissed and I had to put my shoes on the in street. Its gettiong close to bonfire night so there were fireworks.
If I see any more of your stuff I'll be sure to crit' it.
#4
The "burning part" is a reccuring verse-ish line, between each stanza. It works with the music anyway. I was never sure of the image though. Youre right that it does seem a bit harsh. I may chenge it. Bear in mind that this was jotted rather hastily down.
"It writhes but not unpleasantly" again works with the music. If I could record it you could see, but you'll have to take my word for it.
I will definitely change "blissfull ignorance", as I was never that happy with that line.
Thanks for the crit.
#5
while the writhes line doesn't flow as it's mentioned before it is by FAR my favourite rhyming couplet in the piece, it's just so completely... different. Your use of Writhes but then to say it's not unpleasant is interesting and I liked it.

The rest of the piece flows nicely, the ideas seem to be recurring back to a point a tiny bit to haphazardly such as talking about walking on the street but then tlaking about how no bitterness cna enter your world, I understand that yo'ure reminiscing but it doesn't really lead into it and that was my only real problem with the piece.

Well done man,

Crit Returned
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
hey man, that is pretty good, the rhyming in it is a bit wierd. but everything else is quite explanitory. i like the very last verse (or chorus, im not sure which it was) but i liked it.
if there was one thing that you could do to make this better it would add some rhyming to it.
#7
this one is pure love, a little cliché in some verses, but still, very good description of love.
#8
dude, i loved it!
very good. i imagined seeing it as i read it and that felt pretty cool.
#9
First of all thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. I liked the opening stanza. It established the mood and seemed kind of dreamy. The only problem I have is the "It writhes but not unpleasantly" line. Once again excellent imagery in the second and the "the menory of your eyes" line was just beautiful. In the third stanza I would drop the "blissful". "blissful ignorance" just seems kind of cliche. The last stanza was great way to end the piece. I liked the "its not as bad as the cynics say" line. This was definitely a great love song.
#11
There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I dont care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy
^From the first stanza, this piece sounds like something Lennon wish he could've done. I like the jumpiness of this. Subtle imagery. I like.

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm
^I love this stanza. Because for once, I can tell that this was probably a real life experience and not just a recycled topic that some of these 'lyric writers' write about. I love this stanza.

I stumble down the road in blissful ignorance
A daze-like trance enclosing me
In a world that's all our own
No bitterness can enter here
Its is crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful
^Another great, quick stanza. I like this one a lot as well. Very jumpy and carefree. I just wish there was some punctuation. Especially between lines 1 and 2.

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved
^This stanza is beautiful except for the 3rd line. It seems a little oddly placed. But except that. Great ending.

Nice job. I enjoyed this.
i don't mean to seem like i care about material things. like a social status. i just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.
#12
gorgeous final stanza, brilliant writing

unfortunatly you ruined it with a terrible opening three
#13
Quote by skagitup
gorgeous final stanza, brilliant writing

unfortunatly you ruined it with a terrible opening three


I really dont like you. Thats not critiscism, if you didnt like it, dont post a reply saying you didnt like it, post one saying why. Please dont post on any more of my threads untill you have something constructive to offer.
#14
Quote by Cacophonaut
I really dont like you. Thats not critiscism, if you didnt like it, dont post a reply saying you didnt like it, post one saying why. Please dont post on any more of my threads untill you have something constructive to offer.


wow, don't be so defensive..

I'm quite in my rights to offer my opinion on work. If you don't like my opinion then ignore it, but you know that i'm right, and that's why you're getting offended.

If I wanted to put you down, then I would put you on, but I'm just being honest. I certainly wouldn't have told you that the last stanza was gorgeous and well written if I was just trying to slate your work, would I?

All of the stanza's that I don't like don't appeal to me because they're boring, look like they were written in a couple of minutes with little thought, are pretentious at times, the rhymes seem forced and the vocabulary is strange (you should either stick to simple vocabulary done well, or more advanced vocabulary consistently, instead of changing between the two and irritating the reader). There's no point me offering any kind of deep analysis - my advice would be to scrap the three stanza's and re-write.

I'm only harsh because I keep seeing the odd good line in your work being destroyed by drivel and it's a waste, you need to be told what is good and what's not so that you can distinguish between the two and keep writing the good lines.

You have become personal (especially in anothet thread where you made a sarcastic remark about my writing), where I have only given vague opinions on a few pieces of work.

Sort yourself out and learn to take peoples views.
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 11, 2007,
#15
That wasnt the point I was making. I would rather prefer something constructive. That wasnt constructive, unless you serioulsy think I'm going to accept one persons advice and actually delete something I wrote, when every other crit has said something posetive about it.
I posted this here so people could tell me what I can imporve about it, not that three quarters of it is drivel and ought to be removed. Sort yourself out and learn to write proper crit's.

And wait, did I not request that you stop posting on my threads?
#16
Oh dear, someone still doesn't understand what an opinion is.

It's impossible to crit a stanza when the whole thing is bad. What I was trying to say is that it seems from the occasional good piece of writing that you have talent as writer, but with the attitude that you have at the moment you're never going to improve.

Everyone on here will always say they like everything. It takes an incredibly bad piece of writing for people to stop saying that they like it. People just want a return crit.

But fine, if you wish me to stop posting on your threads, then let this be the final post.

Have a think though, because I seriously don't understand what you think my motives are. Do you think I'm just trying to wind you up? I'm giving my honest opinion, and it's yours to accept or decline, but there's no need to get personal. I love nothing more than one someone tells me one of my stanza's is awful, because I know that they are being honest, and that when they say they like something it means it's actually good. For instance if you check out the last few threads I've made (which have been shit writing), I've had the majority of people saying it's good (normally because they want a return crit), then Jammydude or Confusius etc. comes along and says which part (or maybe all of it) is bad, and I know that it's bad because they know what they're talking about.

Oh hell, I can't even be bothered, do what you like.
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 11, 2007,
#17
Oh, get lost! Even if something is completely bad, you cant just jump in and say "this is ****, get rid of it", because that doesnt help me at all. I post here so people can point out things I've done wrong, what I could improve, and fair enough, I was never too confident with these peices (the reason I put them here) but what you said about the other one was out of order. If thats not trying to wind someone up then I dont know what is. Ive seen a great many peices I hated on this forum, however, if I cant find anything constructive to say about them (and I dont just say "yeah, i like it" for a return crit), then I dont post anything. I certainly dont post what is, frankly, ridicule.
#18
I apologise if you took it that way - I didn't realise you cared so much for your work. People are different and I would just laugh if someone posted something like that (and they have in the past) on one of my pieces, and although I stand by the rest of what I said, I agree that perhaps that was uneccessary.

Apologies.
#19
There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I don(')t care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy

A good start to a poem not much to offer as improvements are concerned

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm

Good stanza here, but i didn't especially like the last line; it seemed too cliche and annoying.
I stumble down the road in blissful ignorance
A daze-like trance enclosing me
In a world that's all our own
No bitterness can enter here
It(remove the s) is crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful

I like this stanza, although the stanza is cliche in general, it remains to be one of the better stanzas of this poem.

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved

I'm not too sure if the fireworks is meant to be a metaphor of you realising your mistakes and dishonestness with a girl and after your embracement with her your eyes finally opened and realised your wrong doing, but as a man admitting wrong doings damages pride, as the 'cynics' would say?
this stanza is good, probably the best stanza of the poem.

Overall i like the poem. But to avoid cliche i think it would be best to completely keep your poems in a metaphoric style, only if dealing with love poems/songs though. But thats only my opinion on your poem.
7/10
#20
Holy ****! Bleed Away! thats probably the first time someone has completely got what I'm trying to say. I feel pretty good I got my message across to someone.

Well anyway, thanks for the apolology skagitup. I dont think im at the stage with my work where I can just laugh of that sort of thing. I take pride in my songs, and for someone to say that, well, its just a bit of a kick in the balls if you know what I mean. When you think you've written something pretty good and someone comes along and takes the piss it hurts.
#21
Okay, this isnt a bump, you fascists. I'm pretty sure I'm adhering to the rules...
I have merely changed a stanza. I am also considering chnaging the last one to be twise as long, simply because the music feels like it ought to be. Anyway, all opinions will be valued.


There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I dont care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm

The tailights trail a ribbon
Of impossible escape
Beneath my feet I hear the city mourn
But its bitterness cant get to me
Its crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved
#22
Quote by Cacophonaut

There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I dont care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm

The tailights trail a ribbon
Of impossible escape
Beneath my feet I hear the city mourn
But its bitterness cant get to me
Its crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved


I really liked this piece, I'm not going to provide a stanza-by-stanza crit for this one because I don't feel it's necessary. There's a lovely feel encassing the whole piece and the last stanza in particular i think is really excellent, I disagree with skagitup's assesment of this piece however I will say that I thought the first 3 lines of stanza 2 could do with some changes, it doesn't seem to flow well to me but I think its rescued by 2 very good finishing lines. Overall it's an excellent piece, well done.

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727998 If you'd be so kind
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

Or hear my demo recordings at Myspace
Last edited by Pete Murray#1 at Dec 4, 2007,
#23
There are colours in the sky, I'm bright and carefree
Dogs are barking somewhere, I dont care
The world is now irrelevant
And theres something warm inside of me
It writhes but not unpleasantly
A feeling I could learn to enjoy
This opening is a puzzle to me. I find the first four lines so be very cliche, the breaking of them annoying and the grammar used to structure it absolutely horrible. Saying that, the last two lines are strangely bringing everything together, especially the feeling behind the stanza and I find myself really liking this stanza. Perhaps utilize commas in a more efficient way, just to control the pace of reading.

I left you in a hurry with my shoes in hand
A secret joy, I put them on in the street outside
Lest I be seen in your house
The wind was blowing coldly but somehow I felt immunity
The memory of your eyes would keep me warm
Again, you put through the main feeling, and do it very well, but the punctuation and the weird structure of sentences seems awkward. The best way to describe it is in saying that each line stands on its own, with no binding connection to its former or the next one.

I stumble down the road in blissful ignorance
A daze-like trance enclosing me
In a world that's all our own
No bitterness can enter here
Its is crushed by our embrace
There is nothing more beautiful
Same point as before, you have to work on the punctuation and the relation between your line so that the piece would feel more coherent. Other than that, once more, I really appreciate how to convey the feeling and emotions through your wording.

Fireworks are in my eyes, I am burning
Its not as painful as the cynics say
What do they know?
I never saw it coming, never realised
How beautiful it is to love
And to be loved
Except for the same points again, this ending is quite cliche and disappointing in general. It might be fitting the piece but it's already been said so many times before, in exactly those words. I suggest you consider finding original wording to end this piece, because it truly deserves a notable finish.

So, I really enjoyed what you have to say, think you may need to work a little on the way you say it, but there is great potential and I hope to keep seeing your pieces here. This was a good reading.

Carmel
This is not a pipe