i dunno why but i got the feeling to write something before i fell aslweep.

well, i drove home after drinking
singing along to some song
that I'd first heard tonight,
I put it on repeat and kept on singing,
until it was burned in my mind.
and it is burned in my mind

I've got malibu in my stomach,
tequila on my breath,
seagram's smooth in my back pocket,
I'm a liquid treasure chest,
and I love it, I guess,
oh I love it I guess

I kiss Floridian women,
sometimes they're twice my age,
and I don't know her name,
my camera remembers her face.
she took me to her place, tonight.
we went to her place tonight

I make lots of money,
but I spend even more,
maybe I could've bought a house,
instead I just passed it all out,
and then I passed out
but I'm awake now

so don't take this as sadness,
tomorrow I'll be drinking
then I'll be driving
trying to take some girl home.
and I took out a loan,
so now my bank account's full.
and now I'm all alone, at my house,
writing about a night I barely recall,
and I love it all,
oh how I love it all.
yes I do
I loved the storytelling aspect in this piece, but there were a few things that I didn't like. when you repeat 'oh i love it i guess' i would leave out the 'i guess'. it's annoying and i dont feel like it adds to the piece. in the next stanza you suddenly switch from plural (women, they) to singular (her name, she). it works, but it confused me when i first read it. i thought the wordplay with 'passed it al out' 'passed out' was pretty clever, loved that stanza. last stanza was perfect IMO. I loved how you repeated the whole 'drinking/driving/girl/money' thing that you described in the previous stanzas. one thing that i didnt really like was the repetition of 'oh how i love it all'. i'd personally leave out the 'all' the second time.. or the first time.

this was pretty solid writing and i loved reading it, but those few things just didn't make it 'special' for me.
can you get to mine?


lol I don't really remember this, I knew I wrote something though. this was on the way home from an awesome awesome Jimmy Buffet concert, so I think it's a song with a folky/islandy flow or at least that's the way I'm reading it.

thanks guys I appreciate it.

awesome dude, my name's corey too!
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 4, 2007,