#1
I haven't written in ages, nothing that I felt like posting anyway. So this may be limping a tad. Anyway, I'd appreciate any comments and will of course do my best to return worthy replies.



Broken Beat


See, I am innocent in death
Like you are innocent in life;
A child of wiles, of counting
Cars down in the street, or stars
Up in the deep, deep blue.
It all amounts to what you are
And always will be.

You’re sitting in another bar;
Some years from now, not a child -
Not anymore, you say again;
We’re filling glasses, feeling empty.
Just tell me what it is
You thought we’re all about,
Before you turn away.

And on the grass, so green it was -
We leaned against the tree,
Under a blue that melted away
The dark metallic fibers
Of your precious childish being:

You laced disgrace, while
Telling me that you no longer care
To play,
While smiling eyes and
All those wiles
Told me to stay.

I will be innocent in death
Like you are innocent in lies;
You’re counting riffs of a guitar
To break your image, clean.
But like a heart that beats too far,
Too fast, until it’s gone -

The mirror breaks long before you do
This is not a pipe
#2
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Broken Beat


See, I am innocent in death
Starting off with See, made me want to hate this piece, right out of the starting blocks. I still couldn't hate it, though. Dropping it entirely, changing it to 'You see,' anything would be an improvement, imho.
Like you are innocent in life;
A child of wiles, of counting
Cars down in the street, or stars
Up in the deep, deep blue.
It all amounts to what you are
And always will be.
Consider swapping positions on the words: will and always.

You’re sitting in another bar;
Some years from now, not a child -
Not anymore, you say again;
We’re filling glasses, feeling empty.
^ I thought this was the money line of the piece, until you did something even better, later.
Just tell me what it is
You thought we’re all about,
Before you turn away.

And on the grass, so green it was -
'so green it was' is a bit weak not terrible, but could be better.
We leaned against the tree,
Under a blue that melt away
Melts?
The dark metallic fibers
Of your precious childish being:

You laced disgrace, while
Telling me that you no longer care
To play,
While smiling eyes and
All those wiles
Told me to stay.
The first 'while' needs to be dropped, I think.
I will be innocent in death
Like you are innocent in lies;
This is extremely strong.
You've used a variation from 'lives' in the first stanza that cuts incisively.

You’re counting riffs of a guitar
To break your image, clean.
But like a heart that beats too far,
'beats too far' doesn't work that well. 'far' implies distance rather than longevity.
Too fast, until it’s gone -

The mirror breaks long before you do


I don't think you need to make any excuses for this. It's good as-is, and would be a bit better with some attention in a few spots.


Nothing current for me right now. You know I don't c4c, anyway.
Meadows
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#3
I love the strength of the imagery and the comparisons between the two personae in the song i.e. I and you who i assume to be seperate persons. I'd love to hear how this song would actually be performed because i think if sang right it could be brilliant.
#4
I do not like inversion when it does not add anything to the piece, nor the imagery presented here. It comes off very clumsily. (Line 15)

"Laced disgrace" .. :[

However..
"We’re filling glasses, feeling empty."
Very solid, and I personally like it beaucoup.
And I liked the idea you are trying to present with the first and last stanzas.

Iunno, really, about this one.
Not much on my mind about it, sadly.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Syk, I wish to disagree. the "see" was brilliant. added another thread that looped the piece together with itself, it begins and ends with ideas of sight... I thought you did that very deftly. Really good job here, probably the longest thing I've read from you in a long long while, but that didnt detract.