#1
I haven't posted here for a long time. sheit. well i've been writting a lot. here's one i like it's called missing from the frame... for now at least

It rained yesterday
But it looks like it's morning now
Over coffee my head goes wild
No dreams, Just something cold i feel inside.

(chorus)
What good will your mind do you?
When you finally close your eyes
Please let me know after forever
My friend

It's hard, so hard
To think about life when
You're missing from the frame
People unaware, wearing their smiling face.

Numbers and figures
They are all the same
I wish i could change them
Mold them, to something more i'd like.

chorus

If we can't count
On anything in our little lifes
Put your bets on leaving
In a few short years, everyone goes sometime

All we can do
Enjoy this ride until another quarter's due
Until you see a madonna painted black
Hold on tight boy, it's all you'll ever have

Tell me, what makes a minute?
do you smile smile all day?
what makes a good life?
The world turns and pretends the sun rises

chorus

(outro)
empty verses and broken songs
leave me heavy and my soul empty
please won't you give me my crown
please won't you give me my crown
give me my crown
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#2
neone?
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#3
r they that bad?
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#4
Don't worry about your lyrics, S+L is kind of slow sometimes. Poems and songs get pushed back a bit all the time.

Quote by ellisguitarman

It rained yesterday
But it looks like it's morning now
Over coffee my head goes wild
No dreams, Just something cold i feel inside.
I definitely like the concept you have here, but I think it could be worded a little different to make a bigger impact. No suggestions for that unfortunately.

(chorus)
What good will your mind do you?
When you finally close your eyes
Please let me know after forever
My friend
It's generally average, the third line doesn't seem right to me for some reason. I'm thinking it's the after forever.

It's hard, so hard
To think about life when
You're missing from the frame
People unaware, wearing their smiling face.
I really like this verse.

Numbers and figures
They are all the same
I wish i could change them
Mold them, to something more i'd like.
The last line doesn't cut if for me, even simply switching it to something I'd like more makes it sound better - asides from the fact that it doesn't flow or sound to nice to the ear, ahah. And it seems like it's an unnecessary comma.

chorus

If we can't count
On anything in our little lifes
Another word besides little would sound nicer, I think.
Put your bets on leaving
In a few short years, everyone goes sometime

All we can do I think it might flow better if you were to say, all we can do is to...
Enjoy this ride until another quarter's due
Until you see a madonna painted black
Hold on tight boy, it's all you'll ever have

Tell me, what makes a minute?
do you smile smile all day?
what makes a good life?
The world turns and pretends the sun rises
It doesn't seem to fit into the whole of the piece, but it could just be because it's so vague.

chorus

(outro)
empty verses and broken songs
leave me heavy and my soul empty
You could fit in some nice repition here, what do you think of using something along the lines of, leave me heavy, leave my soul empty?
please won't you give me my crown
please won't you give me my crown
give me my crown


All in all, this is a solid piece and I see some great potential in this, I'd love to see it fine-tuned and worked on a little more.

Thanks for the crit on my poem by the way.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#5
awesome thnx for the crit
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix