#1
First draft, wrote today. Enjoy.

I've got you in the center of
the palm of my hand
And I can see you staring up at me
I don't want to be the one to
tell you how to think
We have enough of that influence in
this washed up society

So tell me
What do you believe?

Make your way around the corner
Get out while you can
If there's a good as time as any, it's
now that you must stand
I can't be with you to carry you to the end
This is your chance

So tell me what you believe in
What do you want to make of these lives that we're leading?
I want to see your mark in the concrete
So get up and show me
What you believe


#3
Don't bump your writing love. It's in the rules, clear and stark. Give them another once over if you like, cause they change them every so often . If you want more crits, look over someone else's, give insightful commentary, and leave a link for yours. More often than not they will be returned. Most people even write it in at the beginning of their thread, "Crit for crit". Then you can ask for a massage...or whatever

While I'm here...

I like the beginning but it seems to get weaker from there. I guess you go in with a bang but the writing doesn't keep it up. I love the first two lines very much, very effective and places a strange, surreal image in the mind.

The rest, as they say "tells, but does not show". I like the idea of "tell me what do you believe" because it's so openended and there's a lot of that whole "tell me what to believe" kind of writing going on now. But still, purely based on writing, I don't feel or see or think anything upon reading the rest of it. The end, a "call to action", is a really good idea for a closer; however it seems to me unconvincing because of everything in between that and the starter.

It did have good rhythm, I mean I could hear it being sung practically, very good measure and all that. With some good guitarwork, powerful lyrics seem less necessary, but lyrics on their own can be just as effective. Let us, the audience, be more involved than aloof spectators. Metaphors, strong imagery (as in the first two lines!), similes, colloquialisms, all that jazz, are very very good illustrators on the whole. Incorporate some more of those or just some raw feeling. Could be good
#5
thanks blu fame. I know it's the rules but recently I've been getting tired of lending my opinion to 10 pieces and only getting one or two back, so I guess I've gotten lazy in that department :P
This one I didn't go into too much detail cause, I had felt it as a simple acoustic. I don't write lyrics these short or simplified so often, so it has been a while. Thanks for you input though. I suppose I should go back and revamp it, as am sure, like you said, it would become more meaningful and well, interesting.