#1
Here Goes Nothing.... Its about sex. sex. sex. completely cliche and probably poorly written, and definitely juvinille. but oh well, critisism welcome. I'll keep trying to c4c.

A Nod on my Way to Spanish Class


The angel screamed under my weight with warm gasps-
Telling God how good I felt inside of her.
Telling God how she would never forget this.

The next day started with a November frost-
Frost on my window, frost on my lawn,
Frost on my car, frost, covering the world
Just like it did the cold day before and
The couple of cold days before that.

The children played on the playground,
My first grader flew down the slide like a rocket,
The Wilson dogs barked at me on my way to school, and
My breath flew out of my mouth as little steam dragons,
Just like it flew the day before and
The couple of cold days before that.

The campus was white, just as it had been on Friday

She sent a nod my way-
She was wearing red, instead of nothing,
She was walking instead of moaning,
She was giggling instead of lying,

And that was the only difference.
#2
I would alter the following lines :

My breath flew out of my mouth as little steam dragons,
Just like it flew the day before and
The couple of cold days before that.

to :
My breath flew out of my mouth like little steam dragons
much like that day before
that day we were shaggin.. haha no thats kinda cornball but seriously

Much like that day before
the day we balled/or collapsed together
like clothes heaped upon the floor...


keep it or change it, but I think you could jazz it up a bit..

I like these lines a lot:

She sent a nod my way-
She was wearing red, instead of nothing,
She was walking instead of moaning,
She was giggling instead of lying,
#3
Quote by #1 synth

She sent a nod my way-
She was wearing red, instead of nothing,
She was walking instead of moaning,
She was giggling instead of lying,

And that was the only difference.


i think you should switch the first halves of the last two lines...the comparisons make more sense that way...

although...

the flow would be ruined if you did that...hmm.

sorry, i got nothing.

ray

p.s. i really love the ending...forgot to mention that. the rest is good too. i mean, it achieves what you wanted it to, i think. it just didn't stand out to me like the ending did. that's all.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?