#1
jumping, humping, laughing
falling with rejoice
killer games, kinder gaze
loudly mumbling aborted yells
crudely scoffing, red
threads streaming down
and as the pale keyboard turned to passion
acre taste run up his nerves

incredibly soft
touch and comfort
anguish for the new look
danger on the apron
cool, quiet
painless and fearless
toothless.
#2
Quote by izaguF
jumping, humping, laughing
falling with rejoice
killer games, kinder gaze
loudly mumbling aborted yells
crudely scoffing, red
threads streaming down
and as the pale keyboard turned to passion
acre taste run up his nerves

Well, to be honest, I don't really understand this... But, I've never been one for subtlety in writing, its usually lost on me. I mean, its decent imagery and I can kind of picture the firstbit... but after 'red' I just don't understand where keyboards come into place. I don't know what an 'acre taste' is, but I have a poor vocab too... just trying to point out somethings that threw me off. I dunno... I just didn't feel like this really had much substance or point to it. It kind of felt like it was trying to say something in the beginning... like it was setting up for some sort of epiphany but then the punch line never came.



incredibly soft
touch and comfort
anguish for the new look
danger on the apron
cool, quiet
painless and fearless
toothless.

Ok, here I really enjoyed the imagery... it was a pleasure to envision as I read. However, again there just isn't a lot of substance to this... it feels like its describing a situation... and there is an out of place punch line in 'toothless.' And honestly, this gives me the feeling you are describing a hill-billy wife... but I have no idea what you were going for.

I do like the short choppy descriptors... they work in your advantage.



Overall, it wasn't a bad piece Your word choice was strong, your description was good... it just feels like its lacking in meaning. But, good pieces don't always need meaning. To me, this feels kinda non-sensical... like it was written to make you wonder, which if that was your intent, you've certainly done well.

c4c in sig, or I have something up new called "OTS - Untitled," The latest one is more of an experiment in training myself to write... and I just posted it to get feedback on how that went over. So do as you wish.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#3
when i write, i like to take inspirations from stupid or irrelevant situations to make poems... not thay they MUST mean exactly what i got inspired from...
for example this one looks like it doesn't mean anything because it really doesn't wanna mean anything, but it got inspired from the image of a kid who was playing and fell, losing a tooth.
#4
Knowing what its about I enjoyed it a lot more. Its clearly a bizzare, abstract poem/lyric inspired by a bizzare, random event, but its all the better for it.
I liked it. Keep posting.
#5
Quote by Cacophonaut
Knowing what its about I enjoyed it a lot more. Its clearly a bizzare, abstract poem/lyric inspired by a bizzare, random event, but its all the better for it.
I liked it. Keep posting.


that was my idea when i wrote it