#1
Dark sewers of venom
suddenly swirmling through
the copious roots of life
wondering why
foolish feeling of frustration
clutched the chest
and ate the key
bother not being the brains
beautiful eyes
bewitched aren't they.


*not a song, but can become one tho.
#2
Some fantastic imagery. You clearly have a vivid imagination to create such elaborate metaphors. I would say its a little short. The fcat that nothing is explained (not neccesarily a bad thing) makes me think perhaps another, smaller stanza could close it? Beut maybe not because you ended it rather well.
Punctuation definitely needs work (ie. there isnt any) and there needs to be if its just a poem, you nee dsome indicators of how it should flow, maybe. I think you should definitely put a comma between "bewitched" and "aren't they", or even separate them with a whole new line. I also think you need commas after the third and seventh lines, and a full stop after the eighth, just to give some indication of its pace.
Very good, even though I had no clue what it was about (and judging by "Toothless" this seems to be a common trait of your writing) I really liked the imagery. Great work! If you're going to return the crit (you dont have to though) dont do Homesick, Ive had loads for that one already. Thanks!

Dave
#3
oh this one is rather depressing, i write what im feeling sometimes..