#1
Let's just pass the time
Lay your hand in mine
Underneath the starry blanket sky
We'll taste the icy rain
We'll laugh away the pain
Invincible, just you and I

Give me one reason not to need you anymore
I'm not so different from the man I was before
And if I could, I'd burn all circumstance away
Give me one reason not to ask for yesterday

The year has not been kind
Disappointment's robbed me blind
But far be it that I should repine
You weren't really there,
Drifting slowly through the air
An answer that I couldn't find

Give me one reason not to need you anymore
I'm not so different from the man I was before
And if I could, I'd burn all circumstance away
Give me one reason not to ask for yesterday

I'd brave the bitter, frozen wind
To feel your breath upon my face
I cannot breathe without you; lost,
Pondering steps I can't retrace
And still I'm drowning in your eyes
And still your face is all I see
And for a moment you were everything to me.
Last edited by flame843 at Nov 6, 2007,
#4
Quote by flame843
Let's just pass the time
Lay your hand in mine
Underneath the starry blanket sky
We'll taste the icy rain
We'll laugh away the pain
Invincible, just you and I

Seems kind of cliche, alot of it does, but for some reason you seemed to put this different spin on it. Like in the third line, oyu added an extra word (blanket), and just made it a little more interestign. I like that.

Give me one reason not to need you anymore
I'm not so different from the man I was before
And if I could, I'd burn all circumstance away
Give me one reason not to ask for yesterday

Reminds me of "Rocket Man" by Elton John for reasons that are slightly obvious. The 2nd line is almost word for word, but it was probably not meant to be like that. Other than that, it's sort of boring, there's not really anything new or anything I haven't seen before.

The year has not been kind
Disappointment's robbed me blind
But far be it that I should repine
You weren't really there,
Drifting slowly through the air
An answer that I couldn't find

I don't like the use of the word "blind" here, it seems kind of out of place. Maybe, (just thinkign of the top of my head here) "This year has not been my best of friends, These comatose times have foudn their end." Other than that, the rest is decent, nothing amazing though.

Give me one reason not to need you anymore
I'm not so different from the man I was before
And if I could, I'd burn all circumstance away
Give me one reason not to ask for yesterday

I'd brave the bitter, frozen wind
To feel your breath upon my face
I cannot breathe without you; lost,
Pondering steps I can't retrace
And still I'm drowning in your eyes
And still your face is all I see
And for a moment you were everything to me.

This part REALLY reminds me of "Stockholm Syndrome" by Blink-182 for some reason, the last few lines ring with the echos of the bridge in SS. This is actually really, really good now that I've read it a few times, the last three lines, honestly, just blew me away. After reading sort of a mediocore peice, you end it on this amazing bridge (I think).



Kay, so, I think it's fine, except for the last part obviously (amazing still by the way). The chorus really could use some work, it seems un-memorable and boring like. Fix that up and you're on your way. 7/10 (thanks to the last part haha).
Crit mine?
"There's Cyanide Dripping Down The Side Of You."
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#5
Okay, thanks for the criticism, I posted about your song too

On second look you're right about most of it sounding generic so I gave it a bit of an overhaul and changed the chorus completely. Here's version 2.0.

Let's watch time slip by
Lay your hand in mine
Underneath the starry blanket sky
Relax a little while
The rain can't douse a smile
Pretend the sun will never die

Melt my snow, erase it all
Put the tired leaves back on the trees,
Bring me fall.

The year has not been kind
Each day more ill-designed
And everything's a symbol to remind
That you were never there
A wisp of smoke across the air
Like a gray illusion floating through my mind

Melt my snow, erase it all
Put the tired leaves back on the trees,
Bring me fall.

I'd brave the bitter, frozen wind
To feel your breath upon my face
I cannot breathe without you; lost,
Pondering steps I can't retrace
And still I'm drowning in your eyes
And still your face is all I see
And for a moment you were everything to me.
Last edited by flame843 at Nov 16, 2007,
#6
Wow, that's deep. I really like this. It kind of reminds me of a relationship I just ended. Mehh.. It makes me wanna go write and play my trash of a guitar.

Kudos ^^
#8
I don't really have much time to go into it now, but I just wanted to say that eventho the first version didn't do much for me, I really love the second one! Well written
#9
Dude, I love this song, especially the second version. I recommend you taking up songwriting as a fulltime proffession, cause that was friggin awesome. Really sad, but still very good.

If you wouldn't mind, I just posted this piece a while ago, and seeing as you have a very developed talent for songwriting, I would greatly appreciate your opinion.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=702531&highlight=Interfearance