#1
Trying to speak
When your knees are weak,
Is like climbing to a peak
Of a mountain
And balancing on a single toe
While looking down below
Hanging by a finger
And wanting to let go

Twisted stomach
Curled up insides
Trying not to break a stride
When talking to your beautiful self
It's like trying to carry the weight of a shelf
These feelings for you
I know to be true
Thinking them through and through
Creates a headache on its own
Dying to tell you, wanting you to know
Maybe someday these feeling will leak
Into your heart, and your knees will turn weak

thanks for any crit



ALL HAIL JOHN FRUSCIANTE
#2
Trying to speak
When your knees are weak,
Is like climbing to a peak
I like how you did three lines rhyme, instead of your average two. I like.
Of a mountain
And balancing on a single toe
While looking down below
Hanging by a finger
And wanting to let go
This is really cool. wanting to let go is great. Really brings the stanza to a dramatic finish.

Twisted stomach
Curled up insides
Trying not to break a stride
When talking to your beautiful self
It's like trying to carry the weight of a shelf
I'm not a big fan of rhyming self with shelf. And it seems a bit forced with the extra amount of syllables.
These feelings for you
I know to be true
Thinking them through and through
Creates a headache on its own
Dying to tell you, wanting you to know
Maybe someday these feeling will leak
Into your heart, and your knees will turn weak
Strong, strong ending.

All in all it was wicked. I like it, has some minor flaws though, but nothing major.
Keep it up

Crit one of mine if you get the chance?
#3
After I read the last 4 lines of the first verse i was inspired and wrote a beautiful melody. Thank you.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
thanks guys... i really appreciate it...if you have recording eqp and u can record what you wrote id love to hear how this makes others feel.



ALL HAIL JOHN FRUSCIANTE
Last edited by Bull5 on Parade at Nov 6, 2007,