#1
Yeah, crit for crit, haven't done anything for a while... Just leave a link and crap like always.


Who says that you're broken, when I claim you're fixed.
Someone needs to mark their words, they've torched you to the ground.
I'll build you back up with strong words and even stronger hands,
We haven't had the thoughts of missing out on eachother,
So I'll take you up on your advice tonight.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
This is a story.

Now, hands where I can see them,
So I can make sure you won't take more than your share.
And I'll listen to your favorite song, it's on the radio,
It gives me a chance to hold on,
You're the only one that I have.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
And you breath, deeper, deeper.

Amity and Atrophy seem to have nothing on me,
But they break you're best efforts apart every day.
Who needs to be fixed?
Who needs to be split?
Forget your world and I'll leave mine.
I know things will change for us as well.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
And you're singing in a language I don't even know,
And you're set on a place I can't even see.
And it's not easy to stand infront of me.
Tonight.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at Nov 10, 2007,
#2
Quote by calvinthecanadi

Who says that you're broken, when I claim you're fixed.
Someone needs to mark their words, they've torched you to the ground.
I'll build you back up with strong words and even stronger hands,
We haven't had the thoughts of missing out on eachother,
So I'll take you up on your advice tonight.


I'd take the word "even" out of the third line, it seems a bit superfluous. The fourth line is a bit awkward but I can't place why.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
And you've sat through the longest game of charades.


It's really awesome until the last line which throws off the flow completely. Irealyl really like "This is a hurricane of sound and fury," very powerful.

Now, hands where I can see them,
The safest bet is where you bet on me.
You've thrown down your white flag, no more surrender,
Step into the ring, you've got a new contender.


I like it, the last two lines are strong...the second is awkward to read though.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
And you breath, deeper, deeper.


Better ending line than it had the first time through, for sure.

Amity and Atrophy seem to have nothing on me,
But they break you're best efforts apart every day.
Who needs to be fixed?
Who needs to be split?
I need to be fixed,
I need to be split.
Running on empty seconds,
Who can wait forever?


I understadnd why you used repetition here but it comes off as a bit excessive when you say "fixed" and "split" twice each...consider shortening this section to two lines total IMO. Rest is peachy keen.

This is a symphony,
Of all your arteries,
Heartstrings and veins.
This is a hurricane,
Of sound and fury,
And you're singing in a language I don't even know,
And you're set on a place I can't even see.
And it's easy to stand infront of me.
Tonight.


Strong finish, strong piece. I like it.