#1
blissed out
neo partisan
hard ****ing
chapel sleeves &
rogue collar lapels
eating your
eyes out
picasso
painting rejects
springtime snowdrift
converts
who ponder
the modern
relevance of
old things
in the wild
& split
their ribs
to outline
a breakthrough
in the
shape of
a broken
duchamp
clockwork orange

defined
find my art.
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#3
Some interesting pop-culture references woven ito what appears (not too specific, this one) to be some critiscism/appraisal of avant guarde art. I liked it, actually. Interesting and as abstract as the works it alludes to.
I didnt, however, like your title. I'm sure you know what it means but I cant help be confused, and I'm sure others would feel the same way.
The structure also gave a lot, I get the feeing without it the poem would sound like just a stream of conciousness list, and I think there are probably some things you could do to flesh it out a bit, and in the process perhaps articulating your theme a little less obscurley.

Very good, man. Keep it up!
Dave
#4
reminds me of Aldo Palazzeschi, he writes in that form

i really enjoyed this one
#5
I thought this was some of the best writing I have seen here lately, and that's why I'm bumping this. I thought you failed a bit on the structure standpoint, but I can't really say anything else than that I'm jealous of this.

Post more.
#6
Well, this was unexpected.


blissed out
neo partisan
hard ****ing
chapel sleeves &
rogue collar lapels
eating your
eyes out
picasso
painting rejects
Phrases like these two lines would work better on a single line together. This is what phantom meant about failing structure-wise ; it just shows a bit of immaturity writing-wise. The alliteration works better on a single line as well. It creates a better image in the readers head, and not having it on the same line breaks it up a bit.
springtime snowdrift
Like this. Works better. Lovely line.
converts
who ponder
the modern
relevance of
old things
in the wild
& split
their ribs
to outline
a breakthrough
in the
shape of
These two could also be on the same line. It just reads much better.
a broken
duchamp
clockwork orange

defined
find my art.

Pretty much like the rest; real great read. Original, creative, just really good overall.

If you got time, a small comment on Rose in my sig would be very much appreciated.