#1
I could not for the life of me, get my work done today in class. so I scribbled this down.
it's still very unpolished, but it's probably one of my best lately

here it is.

I just don't understand
(why you made me do this)

I was far too unsteady
as it was, but you pushed me
and (inevitably) I cracked

I fell at no one's feet
but yours
Am I only yours?
Was I ever yours?

Let go of me,
just let me breathe,
let me breathe,
let me stand on my own feet
you're the only thing I can see
but I just don't want to fall again,
not for you

Just kill me now
or can't you see this blatant torture?
I think of nothing but you
over and over and over
inside my head

I long to be free of this,
but I can't stand the thought
of letting all of you
fall away
Last edited by freakykatt at Nov 7, 2007,
#2
I just don't understand
(why you made me do this)

I was far too unsteady
as it was, but you pushed me
and (inevitably) I cracked
I like how the first two lines have a slant rhyme in them, nice feel to it.

I fell at no one's feet
but yours
Am I only yours?
Was I ever yours?
The first two lines here seem off from the rest. And the last two seem a little cliché.

Let go of me,
just let me breathe,
let me breathe,
let me stand on my own feet
you're the only thing I can see
but I just don't want to fall again,
not for you
This stanza really pulls things together. A lot of hidden things are now revealed.
Except I would take out the 'just' in the second last line.


Just kill me now
or can't you see this blatant torture?
I think of nothing but you
over and over and over
inside my head
No bones to pick with this stanza.

I long to be free of this,
but I can't stand the thought
of letting all of you
fall away
Perfect way to end it off.


All in all i liked it. A few minor imperfections that i found lol but not many.
I like the style you show here. And i can't wait to see more of your work up here on UG
#3
thanks very much for the crit.

heh, you said take out the "just," in...whichever stanza at was. haha. It wasn't in the original. I just added it when I typed it up. I've never been too good with rhythms, but I was thinking if all else fails, when I sing it, maybe I can just compensate with the length of notes, or something like that...
but other than that, thanks
Last edited by freakykatt at Nov 7, 2007,