#1
your hands and feet are cozy warm
your heart's as cold as snow.
they've water to their necks already
and you force them to bow.
#2
The second half doesn't make sense to me in a way, but I think this could be an interesting piece if elaborated on.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#3
I think the second half makes perfect sense, but its just a verse. Im getting an anti-authoritarian vibe from it. Sort of political. I'm not sure I like that, because its been done so many times before, and you need to do something really great to make it original.
I think you just need to make it into a whole song that we can crit, and develop your theme in. Look forward to it.
Peace.
#4
Its a nice stanza, but you're going to need to write more if you want to convey any sort of idea.


I do like the image in the third and fourth lines though.
#5
uhh...to be honest right now I don't think I'm able to make anything out of it... I'm so frustrated with everything i write that I'm happy to have written atleast 4 lines that don't sound totally stupid... -.- anyway thx for the crits
#6
Quote by ENIGMATIC.
The second half doesn't make sense to me in a way, but I think this could be an interesting piece if elaborated on.

how does the second part not make sense? Its simple, when somebody is in water up to their necks....and they bow....well that wouldn't be good huh?
haha just stating the obvious