#1
Check it, I'm pretty happy with this, but who knows it might suck, crit 4 crit, just leave a link and I'll get back to you.

Enjoy, enjoy enjoy.




Pulling A Gown Off A Table And Watching Everything Glass Break Is Not A Magic Trick, It's Being Dumb As Hell.


Someone becomes abdominal,
gutteral snares sounding off
three blocks from twenty-third.
There's a comet stealing second,
rounding out the bases, crashing
dirt, it'll shoot up, and shoot out,
and the jets making lines in the sky,
she'll stare up at them and think about
cocaine.

Big balloons now, colored real bright with
oranges and pinks, she'll climb in, "Hot,
hot, hot, it's always hot." A sore wrist
from holding on too tightly wraps around
another. Skinny seas. Pale lakes, a body
of water flying above the ocean. I'll call her
faucet because when she leaks it's like pouring
money down the drain.

Diving down into the hair dye, red like some
house on fire. "Napalm, it reminds me of that movie."
Fake some laughs to get
inside of her pants, I've got nothing left
to hide except her. Smother that grin,
kill off the heat, because when the fire can't
breath, it stops burning. Pump up the AC,
freezing lucky I guess, nothing works except
the matches and this lighter, I don't smoke,
but I know she does.

Too clean to hide it, and the white from
over bleaching shows it, I'll roll in the snow,
to hide the stain, maybe it'll be alright,
be alright.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
very good, good imagery, the song doesn't exactly have a clear message, but i like it.
#3
S1:
"dirt" "making".
Ew.

S2:
"I'll call her
faucet because when she leaks it's like pouring
money down the drain."
I'm not sure where money plays into this. I think I know what you wanted to say, you just didn't say it.

S3:
n/a.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I think I said what I said pretty well actually, but thanks for the crit.

I don't even know what you thought about it, but whatever.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
"I'll call her
faucet because when she leaks it's like pouring
money down the drain."

never use a "because" to try to explain something, sounds ugly and takes away the pleasure of the reader to interpretate however they want.

i liked the first stanza, it was strong and fast.... then you got complicated, started making long, hard to read verses and the poem/song lost flow.

you have a good use of words and write very well, but you need to order your phrases and verses to create a symbiosis between them.
#7
Something Vague indeed.


I really enjoyed the imagery; it struck me as often frantic, almost in a strung out drugged out kind of way-- Where you shooting for something like that?

I like the last stanza a lot. "I'll roll in the snow, to hide the stain..." is a nice line.
#8
I LOVE that faucet part

personally my favourite bit, and because works in there, don't change it.

and I really like the "Freezing lucky" bit, the way you made it work with what you'd just written about A/C's instead of saying "frikkin/friggin/f***in" i just think it's clever wordplay, so nice, well done.

Personally, I didn't like the wya you used cocaine, it felt like a deadweight, like dropping rocks into a pool and didn't really have a knockout shot like it should have, i'm sorry, I don't know how you can change it but i don't really think it works all that well.

Apart from that, very well done man,

Nice piece, and I love the title, you've related yourself well and still left enough open for interpretation, nice work

Crit mine? Every Man Must Answer... (To History)
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Nov 9, 2007,
#9
I probably owe you a crit anyway, man. Okay here goes. Lets hope the PC doesnt crash on me as soon as I finish like it did last time...

Check it, I'm pretty happy with this, but who knows it might suck, crit 4 crit, just leave a link and I'll get back to you.

Pulling A Gown Off A Table And Watching Everything Glass Break Is Not A Magic Trick, It's Being Dumb As Hell.

Someone becomes abdominal,
gutteral snares sounding off
three blocks from twenty-third.
There's a comet stealing second,
rounding out the bases, crashing
dirt, it'll shoot up, and shoot out,
and the jets making lines in the sky,
she'll stare up at them and think about
cocaine.
Verry vague here, lovely imagery, though I'm not sure what the hell it means. Loved the "snares" and the "comet", but what is "stealing second"? Do you mena stealing seconds? Nice last line.

Big balloons now, colored real bright with
oranges and pinks, she'll climb in, "Hot,
hot, hot, it's always hot." A sore wrist
from holding on too tightly wraps around
another. Skinny seas. Pale lakes, a body
of water flying above the ocean. I'll call her
faucet because when she leaks it's like pouring
money down the drain.
Again youre going mental with imagery, beut here it seems a bit random, as if you just plucked them from the top of your head without caring to give them meaning. I did like the way you talked about couds without calling them clouds; "a body of water flying above the ocean" and the faucet bit was good, not least because you're finally starting to tell me what this is about.

Diving down into the hair dye, red like some
house on fire. "Napalm, it reminds me of that movie."
Fake some laughs to get
inside of her pants, I've got nothing left
to hide except her. Smother that grin,
kill off the heat, because when the fire can't
breath, it stops burning. Pump up the AC,
freezing lucky I guess, nothing works except
the matches and this lighter, I don't smoke,
but I know she does.
I think the lind about napalm is a bit fumbled, either remove it or the quote marks. Persoanally though, I'd give "red like som house on fire" the second line, and give "napalm" its own line altogether. It's be much more effective an image. Again you're building on a story of sorts: "fake some laughs...", but again its too vague. Youre developing a tone with lots of images but not applying it to a tangible setting. Chnage "breath", its should be "breathe". I didnt get the lind "freezing lucky I guess", it didnt seem to make sense. Perhaps some punctuation? Good ending, were getting a semantic field of fire and destruction here.

Too clean to hide it, and the white from
over bleaching shows it, I'll roll in the snow,
to hide the stain, maybe it'll be alright,
be alright.
Nice stanza, but I can help feeling you could have ended this on a stronger note. "be alright" was a bit of an anti-climax, as I was expecting somethng aphoristic and conclusive. Again your imagery is awesome, the first three lines are perfect as part of this ending. Its just the last one I dont like.


Amazing poem, if a little vague on narrative. Your imagery was most certainly its highlight. Well written and lucid. I enjoyed this one.

Peace
Dave.
#10
Thanks so much, I wrote it on the spot sort of with little additions and I mean the basic idea was something personal of mine and applying it to the four elements in a really loose way.

The first stanza (and this is all pretty loose) represents earth
The second stanza represents air
The third stanza represents fire
and the fourth little blurb is water, which is basically snow, but again it was all pretty loose, I just thought of it at the beginning and wrote kind of around the idea, not really committing to it that much.

But yeah thanks so much.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Nov 9, 2007,
#11
By the way, you've crit'ed all my posts, so you can owe me one for when I post the next one on Saturday.

"There are fewer more distressing sights than that
Of an Englishman in a baseball cap"
#12
Let nme first start off by saying that the poem's title is just excellent. Anyways, onto the crit. I think in the first stanza you could use a diffrent word instead of "abdominal". (Mainly, because I have no idea what it means when someone becomes abdominal). Also I would add a "through" between "crashing dirt". The second stanza is good and especially liked the "it's like pouring money down the drain" line. The third stanza was my favorite in this piece. My only complaint would be "some house". I don't like the word "some". I think it's too general. Maybe something like "their" or "our house" instead. After the third stanza the fourth stanza seemed kind of disappointing. I don't why, it just seemed kind of weak to me. Anyways, the entire piece had great imagery and I really enjoyed reading it. Nice job, man.

Crit mine please
Revelations at the Nativity
#13
Quote by Something_Vague
I think I said what I said pretty well actually, but thanks for the crit.

I don't even know what you thought about it, but whatever.


I didn't, mais c'est selon moi.

I really thought you hated the "I love it"s.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
No, no, I only say that to keep everyone at bay, I love it when people adore my work. Just next time you dislike it, tell me what the problem is instead of giving me vague bullshit and how I can possibly fix what you didn't like.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#15
I think you should change the song title, a song title shouldn't be a complete sentence. It should be 1-10 words long. Cool lyrics though (even though they don't really mean anything) Get inspiration, (I hate it when I have to be the bad guy).
I love Cheezy Poofs, you love Cheezy Poofs,
If we didn't eat Cheezy Poofs, We'd be lame!

WHY SO SERIOUS SON!?
#16
Quote by KKING911
I think you should change the song title, a song title shouldn't be a complete sentence. It should be 1-10 words long. Cool lyrics though (even though they don't really mean anything) Get inspiration, (I hate it when I have to be the bad guy).


Oh my,

I believe it's a poem, not a song. Also, pretty sure he doesn't need any inspiration either.

EDIT: On the piece itself, I did like it. It took me a bit to piece the meaning together, but I'm usually not the sharpest knife in the drawer. If I can think of anything to help improve it, I'll re-edit my post.
#17
Quote by KKING911
I think you should change the song title, a song title shouldn't be a complete sentence. It should be 1-10 words long. Cool lyrics though (even though they don't really mean anything) Get inspiration, (I hate it when I have to be the bad guy).


No offense, you're not being the bad guy, you're being an idiot.

He has inspiration, otherwise he wouldn't have written anything at all, maybe not awe inspiring inspiration, but inspiration none the less. And a song title (while this is a poem) can be as long as the writer wants, so it's up the author. If everything had set rules like that then life would be boring as hell.

So don't try and put stops on someone's creativity ok? It's not your place.

P.S. all lyrics mean something, whether you can make sense of them or like them or not.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#18
I don't like this.
I could blame it on the choppiness.
but there is something else I couldn't quite put my finger on
then it hit me:

I was once put in a room with a psychologist and was told a word and then told to say everything I thought as it came to me in it's pure form without real cognition. It was basically a bunch of random ****. " Trees..Fall..October..Dani...Dani's House...Cedar...TV...waterfront..leather couch..sleeping....brother...speeding...Banks O Dee...fire...barbecue...summer..dad...hair...

and so on and so on.

That is what this feels like
Pretty much random images loosely rolled together as a result of a singular thought.
In other words this feels pretty much thoughtless to me.

I must say however the idea that snow is "too clean to hide it" is pretty cool, and despite the rather crude manner of putting it, I enjoyed it.

But overall I think this needs some serious refining if it is to be appreciated by an audience besides yourself.

O and the title is silly.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at Nov 9, 2007,
#19
Thank you Jesse, you know I always appreciate your honesty.

To be truthful these days, I don't really write for anyone anymore, except for myself, it's a big change, and it'll probably be ****tier pieces, but I just don't care about impressing many people these days.

I mean, everything I write is always about the same person, in different contexts and emotions, it's pointless after awhile, every other piece of inspiration that I have is overshadowed by this one glaring thing, and it's all I ever write about.

I'm getting lazy is all, you know, I can't put myself into this much longer, it's eating me up, the whole turn of events and how everything has ended, it's really put me in a hole, that I've been hiding with the relationship I'm in right now.

There's nothing else to say except that this is all truthfully random, incoherence to everyone but me, and to me it has strong meaning, take it for what you will, a narrative about a boy and a girl, a poem about drugs, a poem about being fake, or a poem about sex, it's all of it, and let's be honest here, isn't that what all poetry is, incoherance molded afterwards into meaning?

The whole poem is about excessive drug use destroying someone close to me.

Thanks all who read, now I am going to sleep.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#20
i always wondered the true meaning behind that. writing for yourself, that is
then why post it? why ask for critique, comments, someone's praise?

it's like making a painting
putting it on exhibit
loving the praise
disregarding the dislike, after all
you're writing for yourself-- how can the critics know **** about your life and what it means?

sorry about your loss(es)

the entire third stanza with the exception of the first two lines is brilliant.
#21
I guess the only considerations I take in are those that I agree with, after writing for a long time, and well, being good, I can tell what of mine is good and bad, usually and when someone can convince that something of mine is bad, then I'll fix it or make sure not to do it again.

Thanks tig.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#22
Actually really flew for this. Way over the top in terms of imagery, but that's what got me into it.

"smother that grin,
kill off the heat, because when the fire can't
breath, it stops burning"

great lines, man.

Wouldn't the title be better as either "watching everything break", "watching glass break" or "watching all the glass break", instead of "watching everything glass break".. it just flows a little awkwardly to me...

You seem to be done with this, so I won't go into what (i think) could be improved any further, but for what it's worth, I enjoyed it.
#23
you know Matt I too typically find myself writing about a girl first.
I do it because you can conjure some pretty strong emotions doing so.
And through that I then like to change the meaning into something completely different
Like individuality or capitalism or what have you.
You might want to try that.

and I'd like to clarify the fact that I certainly wasn't saying this was poorly written but that as the psychologist in my little analogy, it sounded like randomness with subtle connections. I think that this piece could be much stronger with stronger connections between the imagery, perhaps dialogue as long as it doesn't get too cheesy, because now that you know this is about a drug problem it becomes rather touching.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#24
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
now that you know this is about a drug problem it becomes rather touching.


Perhaps rename it, and let the name give away the topic?

I agree that I didn't really get the drug problem thing the first time I read it, and once you revealed it I certainly warmed more to the piece..
#25
I automatically assume everything is about that, because after every piece he ends up explaining that it is. So that's how I read everything by him now.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#26
I automatically assume everything is about that, because after every piece he ends up explaining that it is. So that's how I read everything by him now.


Is it just me or is there a not-too-subtle jackass tone to this?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#27
Quote by Something_Vague
Thank you Jesse, you know I always appreciate your honesty.

To be truthful these days, I don't really write for anyone anymore, except for myself, it's a big change, and it'll probably be ****tier pieces, but I just don't care about impressing many people these days.

I mean, everything I write is always about the same person, in different contexts and emotions, it's pointless after awhile, every other piece of inspiration that I have is overshadowed by this one glaring thing, and it's all I ever write about.

I'm getting lazy is all, you know, I can't put myself into this much longer, it's eating me up, the whole turn of events and how everything has ended, it's really put me in a hole, that I've been hiding with the relationship I'm in right now.

There's nothing else to say except that this is all truthfully random, incoherence to everyone but me, and to me it has strong meaning, take it for what you will, a narrative about a boy and a girl, a poem about drugs, a poem about being fake, or a poem about sex, it's all of it, and let's be honest here, isn't that what all poetry is, incoherance molded afterwards into meaning?

The whole poem is about excessive drug use destroying someone close to me.

Thanks all who read, now I am going to sleep.

dude, i write for myself, only i can understand my poems... but i leave immagination to others, so that anyone can interpretate them like they want... it helps me a lot to discharge shi t into words
#28
Quote by Something_Vague
Is it just me or is there a not-too-subtle jackass tone to this?


It's a "meh" tone to it.

I don't see why I would be demeaning anything or anyone here.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#29
I've find myself writing bout one person more than anyone else at the moment too, and it sucks because there's so many other people who deserve to have things written about them and put into songs but I keep going back to that too... hmm... It really ****s me, so I try and block it out, and write about something else but if I do that then, to me, it doesnt sound as good because it's not as "meaningful" becuase it's not what I was thinking about when I wrote if that makes sense.

I do'nt konw about everyone else but my mind went to the drug problem straight away with this piece. I say well done SV because I though, just like I said before, that it was well written. Congrats.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#30
Was I the only one who actually knew what this was about?

Anyways, Matt, how is she doing? I haven't talked with her in a long, long time. I'm mostly just assuming I know what/who this piece is about, if this isn't about the person I think it's about.. then I'll look like a jackass, haha.

But yeah, I actually enjoyed the piece quite a bit. Maybe I'll re-read it again and try to nitpick at things.
#31
I really wouldnt change the title, now I think about it. It sorta says everything, but in a more interesting way.
I think the best peices are the ones that mean a lot to you, and are cryptic to everyone else. Thats the way I tend to write about stuff thats very close to the bone, I guess partly so I dont have to feel I'm bearing my wounds to the world. Anyway, if its well written sometimes you dont need a clear message, and the audience can just revel in the wonderful imagery and beautiful language.
#32
Quote by Final
Was I the only one who actually knew what this was about?

Anyways, Matt, how is she doing? I haven't talked with her in a long, long time. I'm mostly just assuming I know what/who this piece is about, if this isn't about the person I think it's about.. then I'll look like a jackass, haha.

But yeah, I actually enjoyed the piece quite a bit. Maybe I'll re-read it again and try to nitpick at things.



Well, to be truthful, we're not friends anymore, last time we talked was a little over month or so ago, and I said I didn't want anything to do with her anymore, and her apathy towards everything just propelled my loathing for her even further.

But yeah, last time we talked she told me she was moving to Portland with a boy she's known for like four months, I still feel very betrayed, but whatever. I've got a girlfriend now.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic