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8 44%
10 56%
Voters: 18.
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i started to feel sick,
like i'd gotten used to the spin
just as it finished.

she danced like she
was trying to move something
across the room with her hips,
and she did.
it's the way
she touches me
like she knows
she shouldn't be,
the way her lips
look so innocent
as they sin across my skin.

it was a night of lustful misgivings
and explaining why the moon
looks so small in your hands.

and sometimes i mistake things
for what they really are, like
those summer nights
we killed our time
watching the stars drip
from the sky.


We'd spent our time together,
with cement-covered hands
and trowels and mixers
building our wall, brick by brick.
We had taken down the
scaffolding poles and planks-
the wall was finished;
they held no use.

Into summer, when the sun
caresses the sky into
a warming smile, our wall
stood proudly amongst others.
They were just pretenders
compared to ours, we thought.

Predictably, the thunderstorms
came, blustering and pounding
upon the solid stature. Exploding
in the sky, cannoning, destroying
what we'd crafted together. The
aftermath left us open mouthed.

Neither of us moved to fix it.
I saw you stare, as I did, at the
large pile of rubble on the ground.
It remained like that for many months;
passers-by flashing a rue smile
at our obvious, poor workmanship.

I spoke first- let's rebuild.

So having learned from past mistakes
we built this wall with better bricks,
and many storms have blown and gone
but our wall stands, now tall and strong.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.

I wrote an entire thing, i'll try again.

Red is brilliant, a strong straight out piece.

Blue however, while it starts a bit slow, builds so brilliantly to the horridness of the storm, following the metaphor so well, the empathy i felt for the protagonists had me shocked just like them and the hopelessness of continuing that was created in the aftermath of that storm, followed by the wiating and then the rebuilding created possibly the most amazing piece of imagery and in general writing of a piece using a metaphor that I have read. HOWEVER, having said all that that is good about it, I believe that if you had've been able to capture the "excitement" of a new relationship in the first stanza then it would've been better.

So I go Blue, simply because it "spoke" to me
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P

Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Red was Kyle right?

Edit, according to the thread it is Ad Astra, points going up now.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Nov 11, 2007,