#1
I watch the bird as it
moves its fins, gaseous
exchange occurring in its gills,
how beautiful its perfection…
I also have

read about Nately complaining
about Yossarian’s Italian whore,
call her girlfriend, if you must.
I smile childishly as my eyes
scroll down the page. All of this whilst

listening to Benny Goodman
wheeze and puff
away, garde-avant sheet sounds
coming from his tenor.

...so did I succeed with a metaphor?
Last edited by confusius at Nov 9, 2007,
#2
yes i think that you did succeed with the metaphor one other thing i think you should've a little more punctuation but other than that i liked it it was a little wierd but hey thats what makes it uniquely you! also i would like you to tell me what you think about my stuff
the link is
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com.forum/showthread.php?t=702624
its called, heroin cant take away your pain.
tell me what you think i would appreciate it
one more thing if you'd like you can send me some links so i can crit some more of your stuff
#7
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
"it's" and "its" are different. do yourself a favor and learn how so.


i agree.


Quote by confusius
I watch the bird as it
moves it’s fins, gaseous
exchange occurring in it’s gills,
how beautiful it’s perfection…
I also have

read about Nately complaining
about Yossarian’s Italian whore,
call her girlfriend, if you must.
I smile childishly as my eyes
scroll down the page. All of this whilst

listening to Benny Goodman
wheeze and puff
away, garde-avant sheet sounds
coming from his tenor.

...so did I succeed with a metaphor?


i didn't like this. first of all, the grammatical errors in the first stanza. last line of first stanza was clumsily worded. then the catch-22 reference. it didn't really make sense to me, it felt like you were just namedropping. 'garde-avant' - it's 'avant-garde', nothing else. i didn't like 'wheeze' either. last line sounded way too pretentious to me.
i think you were trying to hard here, kyrl.

i'm sorry.
(and in a bad mood)

j.
#8
I' ve read some of your stuff before, and as usual I never understand it. There seems to be depth there, though...

btw, if the last line is an actual question, i can't find the metaphor
#9
This just doesn't live up to the standard I have of you from reading your other pieces. I'd have to overall agree with Phantom with his critiques.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#10



No one got this. I know it's avant garde, it's Nately's whore not Yossarian's, birds don't have gills and Benny Goodman doesn't play the sax.

That and the title should be able to show what I'm trying to say... I'll fix the grammar mistake. That one is embarrassing.

#11
Quote by confusius
I watch the bird as it
moves its fins, gaseous
exchange occurring in its gills,
how beautiful its perfection…

Well, its good imagery... thank you for fixing 'its.' I don't know, as with most of your pieces, I can tell its trying to say something, I just can't quite find out what. However, at least your writing is sound.

I also have...

I think this would be more effective if you set it off on its own with an ellipse. I just think it gives it a better vibe, and by setting it apart it connects you piece better. That's just my personal opinion though.

read about Nately complaining
about Yossarian’s Italian whore,
call her girlfriend, if you must.
I smile childishly as my eyes
scroll down the page. All of this whilst

I've read Catch-22... I like the reference, however I still don't get whatever you are trying to point out here. I understand that these are all things that are backwards... that are oxymoronical (is that a word?) However, I just am not really picking up the vibe. I like your punctuation and line breaks... it makes this read well.

listening to Benny Goodman
wheeze and puff
away, garde-avant sheet sounds
coming from his tenor.

The avant-garde bothered bothered me too much for me to enjoy the rest of this. Sorry mate.


Well as per usual, I'm either too dumb or not informed enough to understand what you were trying to accomplish. I think you are a great writer and you have a style all your own... and sometimes I really wish I could get into your brain and grasp what you are trying to say... however... I just don't get it here. And I was even looking for it after I read your latest post... so yeah. Sorry again mate.

c4c in sig-gy?

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#12
coming from his tenor

re-word that, it sounds horrible

Yossarian’s Italian whore

hated the colour change on "re"... everyone keeps doing it and it's getting boring

Other than that I liked it (up until the last line which made me cringe).

whoever said you're trying too hard was spot on
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 10, 2007,
#13
It's cute.

"garde-avant" gave it away. Ugly, as well.

Trying too hard, methinks.

I normally really, really like your stuff.

Also, les jeunes, if you are going to critique someone's grammar and spelling, please adhere to the same rules. Thank you for your ignorance.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
Quote by culex-knight

Also, les jeunes, if you are going to critique someone's grammar and spelling, please adhere to the same rules. Thank you for your ignorance.


It's not the same, really. Spelling or grammar mistakes in a quick post (to tell someone what you thought of a piece) aren't as serious as those made in a piece of writing which has been crafted specifically for the purpose of being read and enjoyed.

That is, if les jeunes was someone who replied to this thread, if not then crack on.
Last edited by skagitup at Nov 10, 2007,
#16
Quote by confusius
Now now, no starting fights in my thread.



I guess I forgot please. I don't mind people correcting my grammar, I actually thank it especially since I know it is poor in many cases. I do know the difference between it's and its but I didn't proof read and that's when things like this happen.