#1
Hey this is a new song I'm working on. I just want to see what you guys think so far and if you have any suggestions for me. Also I've been having a bit of trouble getting it to rhyme any help with that would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks.

Look now girl
is this what you rally want?
look past the dream
you want to see

You and me will be
The starts of your dream
And we will
Burn away your past

I can show you
A new reality
A much
Better way

Everything that holdes you back
Just put it down
And come and get
Everything you deserve.

Thats all I have so far.
Guitars:
PRS Custom 24
Gibson Les Paul 60's Tribute
85' MIJ Strat
97' Snakepit Les Paul
LP Traditional 1960 Zebra
MIJ Tele
MIA Strat

Amps:
Silver Jubilee 2525
Peavey Ultra 112
Jet City JCA50H
66' Bassman
Pink Paisley Princeton RV
74' Vibro Champ
#2
Hm... well, it really wasn't that good. but if you keep editing it you could def turn it into something good. Here's the thing. It's just not very well developed. you need to take some more time and think about what you really want in this because right now it's reallly redudant, and kinda annoying.

as for the rhyming. i don't think that songs really have to rhyme. actually, according to ted, (ninjamonkey), the songs of mine that don't rhyme, are actually my better songs. but hey, if you really want to rhyme, who am i to stop you? could you crit my newest? it's called shattered glass.
#3
Thanks man. yea I only slapped that much together last night and I know that it need more work. as for the rhyming I like me songs that don't rhyme better it's just my singer says that lyrics should rhyme and that the way he wants me to write em.
Guitars:
PRS Custom 24
Gibson Les Paul 60's Tribute
85' MIJ Strat
97' Snakepit Les Paul
LP Traditional 1960 Zebra
MIJ Tele
MIA Strat

Amps:
Silver Jubilee 2525
Peavey Ultra 112
Jet City JCA50H
66' Bassman
Pink Paisley Princeton RV
74' Vibro Champ
#4
waaay to cliché man, it's like just snother beatles song (don't think me wrong, i love the beatles), but the words and phrases you use are way too used.

besides that, i felt nothing while reading it... like it was really vague and you just wrote it cause you were being ordered to write it by yourself, so you didn't put your feelings in it.
#5
Quote by izaguF
waaay to cliché man, it's like just snother beatles song (don't think me wrong, i love the beatles), but the words and phrases you use are way too used.

besides that, i felt nothing while reading it... like it was really vague and you just wrote it cause you were being ordered to write it by yourself, so you didn't put your feelings in it.


This is nothing like a Beatles song! The Betales were pop genuis, pleae dont compare them to lyrics from forums! Its sacrilage!