#1
Haven't written for awhile, this is all ots. crit for crit.
V
You look through the glass
I ask what do you see
You say, "It's a butterfly
That's starin back at me"

V
Now that it's my turn
I take a good hard look
But i simply see me, and the
Big black darkness takin over

C
I put my fist to the glass
That shatters with my dreams
The darkness is uncaged
Now it latches onto me
I've always regretted
Every single thing i've done
Apologize, no it's too late
You're already lost

V
"How could you?" you ask
"Everything that was great,
Everything that i loved,
Was everything you ruined"

V
Yeah, i'll take the blame
I put us into the ground
And i used to feel sorrow
But no, not now, not now

C
I just put my fist to the glass
It shatters like all i ever knew
The darkness latched onto me
Now i know it's taken over
I'm still regretting it
Every single thing i've done
Apologize, no it's too late
You're already lost,
You're already lost
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Nov 8, 2007,
#2
man that really good. I like it!!
Guitars:
PRS Custom 24
Gibson Les Paul 60's Tribute
85' MIJ Strat
97' Snakepit Les Paul
LP Traditional 1960 Zebra
MIJ Tele
MIA Strat

Amps:
Silver Jubilee 2525
Peavey Ultra 112
Jet City JCA50H
66' Bassman
Pink Paisley Princeton RV
74' Vibro Champ
#4
I have to say I really liked the first verse, especially the butterfly line. In the second verse I wan't too fond of the "big black darkness line". I think that he should see maybe moths or flies. Some kind of insect would help connect it with the first verse more. I also think that the chorus could use a little tweaking. The premise is good, but some of the wording could be fixed. "Shattered like my dreams" just doesn't sit right with me. I would change it to. "That shattered with my dreams". I think it sounds a little less cliche that way. Also the "Darkness not uncontained" is kind of awkward sounding. I would change it to something like "The uncaged darkness". And this is just a personal preference but I think changing "I regret it already" to "I've always regretted" would sound, I don't know, more dramatic. Anyways, I hope my crit was able to help you and I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

Crit mine pleaseRevelations at the Nativity
#5
uhhhh, what was the main idea for this song???? i got lost somehwhere between the chorus and 2nd verse.